I'd hoped you might've had a chance to reflect upon your actions and choices, and come to some conclusions or decisions.
[How someone reacts to their mistakes is an incredibly important indicator of their outlook, personality, and mental state. But she mostly just seems concerned with consequences so far.]
But worrying him is not enough to stop you from doing whatever it is you'd like to do.
[Considering what she said about drinking in the Orchard, and that she'd very purposefully not informed Henry of her plans regarding Sato, it seems like a statement he can make definitively.]
Alright, first of all, there are exactly three people here qualified to make that diagnosis, and you're not one of them. Neither is Will.
[Just starting off there, and sure, maybe there's someone else around with the necessary knowledge and training to diagnose mental illness but he's pretty certain it's limited to himself and the two psychiatrists.]
And while you do fit some of the qualifications, those that are applicable can be caused by other factors. I'm also confident in stating that you exhibit certain characteristics that would essentially disqualify a diagnosis of psychopathy, sociopathy, or antisocial personality disorder; whichever you'd like to call it.
[That said--]
So you can't use that as an excuse for your actions, and so you're going to have to take responsibility for them.
[It's a genuine question. Her protocols are flawed. She doesn't know how to correct them.
Maketh shrugs. It's hard to feel much of anything right now. She can hear the tension in Lance's voice, the way his shoulders are beginning to bunch up. Clearly she's not saying the right things or saying them in the right way.]
[God who may or may not exist, give him strength. At least enough strength to keep his temper under control, which is not something he typically struggles with, but he's had a very hard last few weeks. Or more like six weeks, really.
Finally, he manages to come up with something relatively professional, unlike most of the things that are coming to mind at the moment.]
Is there anything you would've done differently, looking back on the situation now?
[He's not saying that's a bad thing by any means--he doesn't know Henry well, but he seems sensible enough--but he wants to confirm that's the conclusion.]
[Because she needs someone to be a metric to base what's appropriate and what isn't.
However...]
But you knew this all already, before this happened; you knew he wouldn't approve, and therefore that it was not the right course of action. That's why you didn't call him to begin with.
[So why should anyone believe she'll actually go to Henry next time? It's not like she was unaware of her actions being wrong.]
[Regardless of whether Henry would allow it, something had needed to be done.]
I am capable of making those choices. To Henry they are dishonorable. To most people they are dishonorable. I would rather do these things then put them on him.
[It's making his skin crawl a bit listening to this and that isn't helping him stay as calm as he wants to be, so his tone begins to edge into snappish as he response.]
And so although you trust his judgement, in that what you were planning to do was both wrong and not the best course of action, you still decided to go through with it. Why should I--or anyone else--believe you won't do the same thing next time?
[And, by extension, that she's learned anything from this experience.]
[Breathe, Lance. Don't do anything out of frustration or anger or any other emotion; be patient, and end the conversation if you can't be.
He takes a slow, deep breath, counting mentally and also allowing himself to appreciate the fact that he can actually take a full breath once again without feeling like he's being stabbing in the side when he does so. Things are getting better, not worse, despite how stressful the last few weeks have been.
That thought helps center him, and after another several seconds of silence he finds his voice again; although he's more blunt than usual when he responds, it's measured and purposeful rather than out of frustration or any other emotion.]
Maketh, I'm going to be very honest with you. It is your decision, and yours alone, whether you want to continue in the manner you have been. If so, then that is your choice and you'll have to deal with whatever consequences come of it. But if not, then you can't continue to justify to everyone--and most importantly, yourself--why your poor choices are, or were, reasonable at the time.
[And something more, that she probably won't like--]
And you can't continue to act as though the situation you come from justifies a different set of standards for your behavior. Being victimized doesn't define your life or who you are, and it doesn't excuse you from your decisions. It's something that you have to live with, but ultimately it's still your life.
[He tries to keep his words as clinical as he can, but there's probably no hiding that this is a subject he knows more about than just having read a textbook on. Still, with any luck Maketh won't pick up on that, and if she does then perhaps it'll just help get through to her.]
[She doesn't mean to snap. That's not the point of this, isn't the point at all, she's mean to come here and account for her behavior. Take her lashes and refrain from doing it again - or at least not in front of witnesses. But she's not here to be---
No. She is not a victim. She was never a victim. Everything she did was because of her own choices.]
I am cruel and I am wrong but I am not some--some slave.
[Maketh shivers, pressing her hands flat against the temple steps. She doesn't know why she's so angry all of a sudden. He cannot be allowed to believe these things about her. It edges too close to pity and that cannot be allowed.] No. You don't get to do that. I am not a slave, I am not a--fucking victim. I am an officer of the Imperial Court!
[He's watching her reaction carefully, both for hints of how to proceed and because he can tell she's angry, which means he needs to be careful but also that he's hitting upon something important.]
This subject is eliciting a very strong reaction. Is there a reason for that?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2017-05-24 03:21 pm (UTC)[There are a few ways to interpret what she said, and he wants to be clear on what she meant.]
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Date: 2017-05-24 03:22 pm (UTC)[He'd be well within his rights to refuse and cut all contact with her. Maketh isn't sure why he hasn't.]
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 03:24 pm (UTC)[How someone reacts to their mistakes is an incredibly important indicator of their outlook, personality, and mental state. But she mostly just seems concerned with consequences so far.]
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Date: 2017-05-24 03:33 pm (UTC)[Maketh hasn't really. She failed and that must be accounted for. Later, when she's not so exhausted, then there will be reflection.
Maybe. It's new. Difficult, too. She's used to burying things when they're no longer immediately relevant.]
I made Henry worry.
[She frowns.]
I do that a lot.
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Date: 2017-05-24 03:36 pm (UTC)[Considering what she said about drinking in the Orchard, and that she'd very purposefully not informed Henry of her plans regarding Sato, it seems like a statement he can make definitively.]
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Date: 2017-05-24 03:42 pm (UTC)[Maketh tips her her head back.]
He's a good person. I'm likely a psychopath. He shouldn't have to do those things.
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Date: 2017-05-24 04:15 pm (UTC)[Just starting off there, and sure, maybe there's someone else around with the necessary knowledge and training to diagnose mental illness but he's pretty certain it's limited to himself and the two psychiatrists.]
And while you do fit some of the qualifications, those that are applicable can be caused by other factors. I'm also confident in stating that you exhibit certain characteristics that would essentially disqualify a diagnosis of psychopathy, sociopathy, or antisocial personality disorder; whichever you'd like to call it.
[That said--]
So you can't use that as an excuse for your actions, and so you're going to have to take responsibility for them.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 04:25 pm (UTC)Curious.
She watches him for a long moment, confused.]
I am not excusing my actions. They were my own.
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Date: 2017-05-24 04:28 pm (UTC)[He crosses his arms in frustration as he speaks, although his tone remains mostly even.]
Have you learned anything, from any of what happened a few days ago?
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 04:41 pm (UTC)[It's a genuine question. Her protocols are flawed. She doesn't know how to correct them.
Maketh shrugs. It's hard to feel much of anything right now. She can hear the tension in Lance's voice, the way his shoulders are beginning to bunch up. Clearly she's not saying the right things or saying them in the right way.]
I don't know what you want me to say.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 04:58 pm (UTC)Finally, he manages to come up with something relatively professional, unlike most of the things that are coming to mind at the moment.]
Is there anything you would've done differently, looking back on the situation now?
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 05:06 pm (UTC)But he asked. Maketh shrugs again.]
Talked with Henry first.
[It doesn't matter. She disappointed him again.]
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 05:07 pm (UTC)Why?
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 05:13 pm (UTC)His choices are better.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 05:14 pm (UTC)[He's not saying that's a bad thing by any means--he doesn't know Henry well, but he seems sensible enough--but he wants to confirm that's the conclusion.]
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 05:15 pm (UTC)[There's no hesitation, no question at all.]
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 05:19 pm (UTC)[Because she needs someone to be a metric to base what's appropriate and what isn't.
However...]
But you knew this all already, before this happened; you knew he wouldn't approve, and therefore that it was not the right course of action. That's why you didn't call him to begin with.
[So why should anyone believe she'll actually go to Henry next time? It's not like she was unaware of her actions being wrong.]
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 05:27 pm (UTC)[Regardless of whether Henry would allow it, something had needed to be done.]
I am capable of making those choices. To Henry they are dishonorable. To most people they are dishonorable. I would rather do these things then put them on him.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 05:32 pm (UTC)And so although you trust his judgement, in that what you were planning to do was both wrong and not the best course of action, you still decided to go through with it. Why should I--or anyone else--believe you won't do the same thing next time?
[And, by extension, that she's learned anything from this experience.]
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 05:43 pm (UTC)[Not at the time, at least.]
A statement had to be made. A statement will still be made, though not by me. My judgement was compromised.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 06:11 pm (UTC)He takes a slow, deep breath, counting mentally and also allowing himself to appreciate the fact that he can actually take a full breath once again without feeling like he's being stabbing in the side when he does so. Things are getting better, not worse, despite how stressful the last few weeks have been.
That thought helps center him, and after another several seconds of silence he finds his voice again; although he's more blunt than usual when he responds, it's measured and purposeful rather than out of frustration or any other emotion.]
Maketh, I'm going to be very honest with you. It is your decision, and yours alone, whether you want to continue in the manner you have been. If so, then that is your choice and you'll have to deal with whatever consequences come of it. But if not, then you can't continue to justify to everyone--and most importantly, yourself--why your poor choices are, or were, reasonable at the time.
[And something more, that she probably won't like--]
And you can't continue to act as though the situation you come from justifies a different set of standards for your behavior. Being victimized doesn't define your life or who you are, and it doesn't excuse you from your decisions. It's something that you have to live with, but ultimately it's still your life.
[He tries to keep his words as clinical as he can, but there's probably no hiding that this is a subject he knows more about than just having read a textbook on. Still, with any luck Maketh won't pick up on that, and if she does then perhaps it'll just help get through to her.]
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 06:20 pm (UTC)[She doesn't mean to snap. That's not the point of this, isn't the point at all, she's mean to come here and account for her behavior. Take her lashes and refrain from doing it again - or at least not in front of witnesses. But she's not here to be---
No. She is not a victim. She was never a victim. Everything she did was because of her own choices.]
I am cruel and I am wrong but I am not some--some slave.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 06:27 pm (UTC)He stares back at her, intently, but his voice is still as calm as before.]
Not everything is an extreme.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 06:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 06:40 pm (UTC)This subject is eliciting a very strong reaction. Is there a reason for that?
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