lifetothefullest | [IC Inbox]

From:

I thought it was necessary.

[Regardless of whether Henry would allow it, something had needed to be done.]

I am capable of making those choices. To Henry they are dishonorable. To most people they are dishonorable. I would rather do these things then put them on him.

From:

lifetothefullest

[It's making his skin crawl a bit listening to this and that isn't helping him stay as calm as he wants to be, so his tone begins to edge into snappish as he response.]

And so although you trust his judgement, in that what you were planning to do was both wrong and not the best course of action, you still decided to go through with it. Why should I--or anyone else--believe you won't do the same thing next time?

[And, by extension, that she's learned anything from this experience.]

From:

mismanagement

I didn't think it was the wrong course of action.

[Not at the time, at least.]

A statement had to be made. A statement will still be made, though not by me. My judgement was compromised.

From:

lifetothefullest

[Breathe, Lance. Don't do anything out of frustration or anger or any other emotion; be patient, and end the conversation if you can't be.

He takes a slow, deep breath, counting mentally and also allowing himself to appreciate the fact that he can actually take a full breath once again without feeling like he's being stabbing in the side when he does so. Things are getting better, not worse, despite how stressful the last few weeks have been.

That thought helps center him, and after another several seconds of silence he finds his voice again; although he's more blunt than usual when he responds, it's measured and purposeful rather than out of frustration or any other emotion.]

Maketh, I'm going to be very honest with you. It is your decision, and yours alone, whether you want to continue in the manner you have been. If so, then that is your choice and you'll have to deal with whatever consequences come of it. But if not, then you can't continue to justify to everyone--and most importantly, yourself--why your poor choices are, or were, reasonable at the time.

[And something more, that she probably won't like--]

And you can't continue to act as though the situation you come from justifies a different set of standards for your behavior. Being victimized doesn't define your life or who you are, and it doesn't excuse you from your decisions. It's something that you have to live with, but ultimately it's still your life.

[He tries to keep his words as clinical as he can, but there's probably no hiding that this is a subject he knows more about than just having read a textbook on. Still, with any luck Maketh won't pick up on that, and if she does then perhaps it'll just help get through to her.]

From:

mismanagement

I am not a victim!

[She doesn't mean to snap. That's not the point of this, isn't the point at all, she's mean to come here and account for her behavior. Take her lashes and refrain from doing it again - or at least not in front of witnesses. But she's not here to be---

No. She is not a victim. She was never a victim. Everything she did was because of her own choices.]

I am cruel and I am wrong but I am not some--some slave.

From:

lifetothefullest

[Well, it's not the reaction that would've been ideal, but it's something other than dull responses and repeated, seemingly rehearsed lines.

He stares back at her, intently, but his voice is still as calm as before.]

Not everything is an extreme.

From:

mismanagement

[Maketh shivers, pressing her hands flat against the temple steps. She doesn't know why she's so angry all of a sudden. He cannot be allowed to believe these things about her. It edges too close to pity and that cannot be allowed.] No. You don't get to do that. I am not a slave, I am not a--fucking victim. I am an officer of the Imperial Court!

From:

lifetothefullest

[He's watching her reaction carefully, both for hints of how to proceed and because he can tell she's angry, which means he needs to be careful but also that he's hitting upon something important.]

This subject is eliciting a very strong reaction. Is there a reason for that?

From:

mismanagement

[This subject is eliciting a very strong reaction. Stars, she wants to hit him then. Something to make him shut up.]

Fuck you mother.

[Maketh twitches. Forces her hands to lay flat.]

I don't want your pity. Get rid of it.

From:

lifetothefullest

[He's heard a lot worse, and isn't fazed.]

This isn't pity.

[And that's true; he feels understanding, empathy, and some level of concern, but not pity. It's not something that's helpful in this situation.]

And you didn't answer the question.

From:

mismanagement

[Maketh shoots him a sharp look, full of suspicion. Pity is dangerous - it means she looks weak.]

I am not a victim. I had choices. Maybe they were wrong, but they were mine.

From:

lifetothefullest

[He stares back at her, just as intent as always.]

As I've said before, we always have choices. But that doesn't somehow prevent other people from trying--or succeeding--in causing harm.

[And he makes a mental note that now she's taking responsibility for her decisions, but doesn't say anything about that or the timing of it.]

From:

mismanagement

[Maketh fights the urge to shiver and bolt. She doesn't like this conversation. She liked it better when she thought she was getting punished. That would have been predictable, expected. This is just confusing, entirely alien, and she's constantly misstepping.]

I never denied that I caused harm.

From:

lifetothefullest

That's not what I was talking about.

[He thinks she knows that, but he'll spell it out.]

Your ability to make choices doesn't somehow completely prevent harm being done to you, just as it doesn't for anyone else.

From:

mismanagement

[Maketh shivers again. She doesn't want to talk about this, doesn't want to go there.]

I enlisted. I lived. I chose that.

From:

lifetothefullest

If choosing to enlist meant that one was immune to the effects of what might happen to them, I wouldn't have a job.

[Or well, he would, but most likely it wouldn't be at the FBI. And the sorts of situations that agents--and those in the military--face are serious, but they don't seem to have the elements that he's heard Maketh and Hux describe as being normal.]

Do you remember what we spoke about when we had our session?

[About survival mechanisms.]

From:

mismanagement

[He keeps talking. Maketh shivers. She doesn't--

Stop that. You promised.]

Yes. Why?

From:

lifetothefullest

Coping mechanisms only form when they're needed. Acknowledging that there is a reason for them, and what that reason is, is essential to changing how you choose to react to situations which, if I understood correctly, is something you want to do.

[The question is more whether she's willing to put in the effort to do so, of if she'd rather keep falling back on what's easier.]

From:

mismanagement

[Maketh hunches her shoulders. She hates this, feeling cornered. Stirring things up that she's already buried. But she promised, she gave Emily and Henry her word that she would try, and--

And this is part of it.

She shivers hard.]

I have to talk about it?

From:

lifetothefullest

You don't have to do anything.

[Again, choices.

And he's not entirely sure this is the best place for continuing this conversation, either, but he's hesitant to set up another formal session. She has definitely not convinced him that it's safe to do so, and he has to draw hard boundaries in dealing with situations like this or he'll do exactly the same thing he's telling her not to regarding old patterns.]

From:

mismanagement

[What I want is irrelevant.

She almost says it. The words are there. She's said them before.

Maketh watches Sweets for a long moment.]

I want to be better.

[She's not sure that's possible.]

From:

lifetothefullest

[He's quiet for another several seconds, staring at her intently in return, searching for any trace of whether she's lying. He doesn't think so, but she doesn't have to be lying in order to not be being truthful.]

You have to be certain you truly mean that.

[And he's not agreeing to anything yet either.]

From:

mismanagement

What I want has not--mattered overly much. In the past.

[It's said quite simply.]

I gave my word. To people who matter.

[It's all she has, really.]

Maybe that is not enough. Wanting a thing does not make it so.

From:

lifetothefullest

[The is exactly the opposite of an encouraging answer, and Lance is tempted to end the conversation there. She's not getting it.

But he'll try just a little more, because it would be wrong to give up on her so easily.]

In this circumstance, what you want is the most important thing of all. It's up to you to decide whether you want to be a better person more than you want to do whatever seems most appealing at the time, and whatever is most familiar. You can't truly change just for other people, no matter how much you care about them.

[So doing this because she gave her word is not good enough.]

From:

mismanagement

[Then, perhaps, it's too late to change herself. It's something that Maketh has suspected for a long time, that she's still too much of an Imperial to ever be anything else. The Empire no longer has a use for her, but the protocols remain. And loving someone as much as she loves Emily and Henry cannot change that.

Perhaps that's always been true.

Maketh closes her eyes. She's tired again.]

Your honesty is appreciated, Doctor Sweets.