[Breathe, Lance. Don't do anything out of frustration or anger or any other emotion; be patient, and end the conversation if you can't be.
He takes a slow, deep breath, counting mentally and also allowing himself to appreciate the fact that he can actually take a full breath once again without feeling like he's being stabbing in the side when he does so. Things are getting better, not worse, despite how stressful the last few weeks have been.
That thought helps center him, and after another several seconds of silence he finds his voice again; although he's more blunt than usual when he responds, it's measured and purposeful rather than out of frustration or any other emotion.]
Maketh, I'm going to be very honest with you. It is your decision, and yours alone, whether you want to continue in the manner you have been. If so, then that is your choice and you'll have to deal with whatever consequences come of it. But if not, then you can't continue to justify to everyone--and most importantly, yourself--why your poor choices are, or were, reasonable at the time.
[And something more, that she probably won't like--]
And you can't continue to act as though the situation you come from justifies a different set of standards for your behavior. Being victimized doesn't define your life or who you are, and it doesn't excuse you from your decisions. It's something that you have to live with, but ultimately it's still your life.
[He tries to keep his words as clinical as he can, but there's probably no hiding that this is a subject he knows more about than just having read a textbook on. Still, with any luck Maketh won't pick up on that, and if she does then perhaps it'll just help get through to her.]
[She doesn't mean to snap. That's not the point of this, isn't the point at all, she's mean to come here and account for her behavior. Take her lashes and refrain from doing it again - or at least not in front of witnesses. But she's not here to be---
No. She is not a victim. She was never a victim. Everything she did was because of her own choices.]
I am cruel and I am wrong but I am not some--some slave.
[Maketh shivers, pressing her hands flat against the temple steps. She doesn't know why she's so angry all of a sudden. He cannot be allowed to believe these things about her. It edges too close to pity and that cannot be allowed.] No. You don't get to do that. I am not a slave, I am not a--fucking victim. I am an officer of the Imperial Court!
[He's watching her reaction carefully, both for hints of how to proceed and because he can tell she's angry, which means he needs to be careful but also that he's hitting upon something important.]
This subject is eliciting a very strong reaction. Is there a reason for that?
[Maketh fights the urge to shiver and bolt. She doesn't like this conversation. She liked it better when she thought she was getting punished. That would have been predictable, expected. This is just confusing, entirely alien, and she's constantly misstepping.]
If choosing to enlist meant that one was immune to the effects of what might happen to them, I wouldn't have a job.
[Or well, he would, but most likely it wouldn't be at the FBI. And the sorts of situations that agents--and those in the military--face are serious, but they don't seem to have the elements that he's heard Maketh and Hux describe as being normal.]
Do you remember what we spoke about when we had our session?
Coping mechanisms only form when they're needed. Acknowledging that there is a reason for them, and what that reason is, is essential to changing how you choose to react to situations which, if I understood correctly, is something you want to do.
[The question is more whether she's willing to put in the effort to do so, of if she'd rather keep falling back on what's easier.]
[Maketh hunches her shoulders. She hates this, feeling cornered. Stirring things up that she's already buried. But she promised, she gave Emily and Henry her word that she would try, and--
And he's not entirely sure this is the best place for continuing this conversation, either, but he's hesitant to set up another formal session. She has definitely not convinced him that it's safe to do so, and he has to draw hard boundaries in dealing with situations like this or he'll do exactly the same thing he's telling her not to regarding old patterns.]
[He's quiet for another several seconds, staring at her intently in return, searching for any trace of whether she's lying. He doesn't think so, but she doesn't have to be lying in order to not be being truthful.]
[The is exactly the opposite of an encouraging answer, and Lance is tempted to end the conversation there. She's not getting it.
But he'll try just a little more, because it would be wrong to give up on her so easily.]
In this circumstance, what you want is the most important thing of all. It's up to you to decide whether you want to be a better person more than you want to do whatever seems most appealing at the time, and whatever is most familiar. You can't truly change just for other people, no matter how much you care about them.
[So doing this because she gave her word is not good enough.]
[Then, perhaps, it's too late to change herself. It's something that Maketh has suspected for a long time, that she's still too much of an Imperial to ever be anything else. The Empire no longer has a use for her, but the protocols remain. And loving someone as much as she loves Emily and Henry cannot change that.
[He can feel the sense of resignation, and again it isn't a good sign. As much empathy as he feels, and as much as he wants to help her, this is past the point where he would've referred her to someone else if they were back in his world, and not having that option here makes everything more complicated.
He doesn't want to just give up on her, and leave her to deal with things on her own; it won't be good for her, or for anyone else. But despite how selfish and guilty he feels, he can't put himself at risk of serious physical or emotional harm like he had when he'd gone to speak with her at her apartment. And, considering she hasn't mentioned the incident once, he doesn't have any reason to think she regrets it enough for it not to happen again.
He hates having to say this, and he feels so guilty he's almost nauseous over it, but it isn't wrong to put his well-being first. It's one of those things he's had to learn logically, because he can't always remember and feel it emotionally.]
I don't think we should continue meeting, at least for the foreseeable future.
[His voice is calm, but almost eerily so, and his expression is very blank; he can't do this without withdrawing emotionally.]
You can still call me, whether in an emergency or if you need advice on a specific situation, but we'll speak over the phones.
[She expected this. Truthfully she's been expecting it since the start. The only real surprise is that it took this long to play out. And why not? She's only insulted and threatened him since the beginning. Not so long ago she threw a knife at him. Called him weak.
It would have been easier if he'd just hit her in retaliation. That would be simple. And, perversely, Maketh thinks it would have hurt less.
She opens her eyes but doesn't look at him. No point.]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 05:43 pm (UTC)[Not at the time, at least.]
A statement had to be made. A statement will still be made, though not by me. My judgement was compromised.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 06:11 pm (UTC)He takes a slow, deep breath, counting mentally and also allowing himself to appreciate the fact that he can actually take a full breath once again without feeling like he's being stabbing in the side when he does so. Things are getting better, not worse, despite how stressful the last few weeks have been.
That thought helps center him, and after another several seconds of silence he finds his voice again; although he's more blunt than usual when he responds, it's measured and purposeful rather than out of frustration or any other emotion.]
Maketh, I'm going to be very honest with you. It is your decision, and yours alone, whether you want to continue in the manner you have been. If so, then that is your choice and you'll have to deal with whatever consequences come of it. But if not, then you can't continue to justify to everyone--and most importantly, yourself--why your poor choices are, or were, reasonable at the time.
[And something more, that she probably won't like--]
And you can't continue to act as though the situation you come from justifies a different set of standards for your behavior. Being victimized doesn't define your life or who you are, and it doesn't excuse you from your decisions. It's something that you have to live with, but ultimately it's still your life.
[He tries to keep his words as clinical as he can, but there's probably no hiding that this is a subject he knows more about than just having read a textbook on. Still, with any luck Maketh won't pick up on that, and if she does then perhaps it'll just help get through to her.]
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 06:20 pm (UTC)[She doesn't mean to snap. That's not the point of this, isn't the point at all, she's mean to come here and account for her behavior. Take her lashes and refrain from doing it again - or at least not in front of witnesses. But she's not here to be---
No. She is not a victim. She was never a victim. Everything she did was because of her own choices.]
I am cruel and I am wrong but I am not some--some slave.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 06:27 pm (UTC)He stares back at her, intently, but his voice is still as calm as before.]
Not everything is an extreme.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 06:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 06:40 pm (UTC)This subject is eliciting a very strong reaction. Is there a reason for that?
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 06:46 pm (UTC)Fuck you mother.
[Maketh twitches. Forces her hands to lay flat.]
I don't want your pity. Get rid of it.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 06:52 pm (UTC)This isn't pity.
[And that's true; he feels understanding, empathy, and some level of concern, but not pity. It's not something that's helpful in this situation.]
And you didn't answer the question.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 06:55 pm (UTC)I am not a victim. I had choices. Maybe they were wrong, but they were mine.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 07:01 pm (UTC)As I've said before, we always have choices. But that doesn't somehow prevent other people from trying--or succeeding--in causing harm.
[And he makes a mental note that now she's taking responsibility for her decisions, but doesn't say anything about that or the timing of it.]
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 07:11 pm (UTC)I never denied that I caused harm.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 07:13 pm (UTC)[He thinks she knows that, but he'll spell it out.]
Your ability to make choices doesn't somehow completely prevent harm being done to you, just as it doesn't for anyone else.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 07:23 pm (UTC)I enlisted. I lived. I chose that.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 07:27 pm (UTC)[Or well, he would, but most likely it wouldn't be at the FBI. And the sorts of situations that agents--and those in the military--face are serious, but they don't seem to have the elements that he's heard Maketh and Hux describe as being normal.]
Do you remember what we spoke about when we had our session?
[About survival mechanisms.]
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 07:29 pm (UTC)Stop that. You promised.]
Yes. Why?
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 07:33 pm (UTC)[The question is more whether she's willing to put in the effort to do so, of if she'd rather keep falling back on what's easier.]
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 07:38 pm (UTC)And this is part of it.
She shivers hard.]
I have to talk about it?
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 07:42 pm (UTC)[Again, choices.
And he's not entirely sure this is the best place for continuing this conversation, either, but he's hesitant to set up another formal session. She has definitely not convinced him that it's safe to do so, and he has to draw hard boundaries in dealing with situations like this or he'll do exactly the same thing he's telling her not to regarding old patterns.]
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 07:47 pm (UTC)She almost says it. The words are there. She's said them before.
Maketh watches Sweets for a long moment.]
I want to be better.
[She's not sure that's possible.]
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 07:52 pm (UTC)You have to be certain you truly mean that.
[And he's not agreeing to anything yet either.]
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 07:57 pm (UTC)[It's said quite simply.]
I gave my word. To people who matter.
[It's all she has, really.]
Maybe that is not enough. Wanting a thing does not make it so.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 08:02 pm (UTC)But he'll try just a little more, because it would be wrong to give up on her so easily.]
In this circumstance, what you want is the most important thing of all. It's up to you to decide whether you want to be a better person more than you want to do whatever seems most appealing at the time, and whatever is most familiar. You can't truly change just for other people, no matter how much you care about them.
[So doing this because she gave her word is not good enough.]
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 08:15 pm (UTC)Perhaps that's always been true.
Maketh closes her eyes. She's tired again.]
Your honesty is appreciated, Doctor Sweets.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 08:45 pm (UTC)[He can feel the sense of resignation, and again it isn't a good sign. As much empathy as he feels, and as much as he wants to help her, this is past the point where he would've referred her to someone else if they were back in his world, and not having that option here makes everything more complicated.
He doesn't want to just give up on her, and leave her to deal with things on her own; it won't be good for her, or for anyone else. But despite how selfish and guilty he feels, he can't put himself at risk of serious physical or emotional harm like he had when he'd gone to speak with her at her apartment. And, considering she hasn't mentioned the incident once, he doesn't have any reason to think she regrets it enough for it not to happen again.
He hates having to say this, and he feels so guilty he's almost nauseous over it, but it isn't wrong to put his well-being first. It's one of those things he's had to learn logically, because he can't always remember and feel it emotionally.]
I don't think we should continue meeting, at least for the foreseeable future.
[His voice is calm, but almost eerily so, and his expression is very blank; he can't do this without withdrawing emotionally.]
You can still call me, whether in an emergency or if you need advice on a specific situation, but we'll speak over the phones.
[It's as much of a compromise as he can offer.]
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 08:51 pm (UTC)[She expected this. Truthfully she's been expecting it since the start. The only real surprise is that it took this long to play out. And why not? She's only insulted and threatened him since the beginning. Not so long ago she threw a knife at him. Called him weak.
It would have been easier if he'd just hit her in retaliation. That would be simple. And, perversely, Maketh thinks it would have hurt less.
She opens her eyes but doesn't look at him. No point.]
Is that all?
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