[Rosen sighs heavily before switching to video. He should have seen that coming.]
You know, some people do just retire in their 60s.
[Lee, seated on his couch, runs a hand roughly through his now much too long silver hair, some of the strands sticking up as his fingers drop away again]
It has come to my attention that I may not be capable of offering patients the type of aid they need for mental health treatment. And for the sake of everyone it might be best I restrict myself to the running of the clinic.
[Lance frowns a little, eyes narrowed slightly as he both watches Rosen's reaction and contemplates it; sure, people do retire in their 60s--or a number of other ages, for various reasons--but he remembers very distinctly Rosen telling him about the attempts to get a mental health clinic going here in Hadriel right after Lance first arrived. Considering that was only a month and a half ago, he's not buying the general excuse of age, and wouldn't have even if Rosen hadn't added that last part about it having 'come to his attention' that he might not be capable of advising patients.]
Did something specific happen?
[Or multiple specific things, maybe, but there has to be something that prompted this, and he's very concerned about the particular wording Rosen is using.]
[Rosen hums softly in thought. Something specific? No. It wasn't Shadow being killed. It wasn't Flick disappearing. Or Kate disappearing. Or the varren attack. Or the city being split. He can trace his finger back along everything thats happened since he arrived in this place and he can see that it wasn't any singular event. He can't even really say when he began to notice it.
But there's been a developing trend. One he can't ignore anymore]
I don't care.
[His eyes look directly into the video feed at that as he just lets those words sink in for a moment. its the first time he's said it aloud.
It first really struck him when Marian was asking about the Gods. What people thought of them. And sitting alone in his apartment all Rosen could dig up within himself was an emptiness. A lack of feeling. He just couldn't care about the gods or what happened to them. And then when Sato's video came up, he once again found that same lack of feeling where there should have been feeling]
I keep finding that I don't care about things I probably should...things I probably would have before.
[Lee exhales heavily]
And that is not a symptom of a fit mental health professional.
[Lance is quiet while Rosen talks, and although he immediately understands what Rosen means by his first statement the additional comments help confirm it.]
It isn't, but it is a very common reaction to stress.
[He says it more simply than he normally would've because he's sure Rosen is probably aware of that fact, considering his profession. Still, he feels the reminder is important.]
Taking a break is... Probably a good idea, but is there anything you want to talk about?
[Because although he'd like to think Rosen already knows the offer is there, it's also worth the reminder.]
['I'm fine' is what he wants to say. Its what he always says. At least when anyone bothers to ask. And even when they don't, he says it to himself. 'I'm fine'. Always fine.
[Lance nods a little, much more satisfied with that answer than he would've been with an 'I'm fine' because at least this one's probably honest. And it's understandable, too.
He hesitates, trying to decide whether to let the subject mostly go there or pressing a bit, but eventually chooses the latter. Considering Rosen had messaged him first, and then asked the favor, surely he knew Lance would pry and so he's taking that as a sign that Rosen might, on some level, actually want to discuss this further.]
Was there a particular instance when you first realized you felt this way?
When Marian was asking about the Gods. I couldn't come up with any answer aside from 'I don't care what happens to them', 'I don't care what they are doing.' I just-
[Rosen's voice trails before he closes his eyes and he shakes his head]
I don't want to do this over a phone, Lance.
[He moves to sit up on the couch, now sitting so his back is crouched over, phone held low near his knees with hims staring down at it]
[He feels a brief sense of deja vu--he's pretty sure he said something very similar to Rosen when he'd called him a month earlier--but ignores it and shakes his head.]
It isn't. I'll be there in twenty minutes.
[He has to look vaguely presentable in order to try to keep the conversation on topic, without Rosen picking up on anything and turning the questions back on him.]
[In the meantime Rosen prepares tea. He has no coffee in his place so it has to be tea or nothing and at least the process of boiling water and steeping tea leaves gives him something to be doing with his hands.
When there is a knock at the door he answers it fairly quickly, dressed in dark slacks and a grey button down shirt. His usual 'classic professor at a stuffy east coast university' style of dress]
[Lance arrives pretty much when he said he would, dressed casually; he'd already bothered to find the sweater so he kept it, and grabbed jeans and sneakers to go with it along with trying to tame his hair, which is starting to get out of control. There wasn't much he could do about looking like he hasn't slept much, but surely that's understandable in this place.
When Rosen opens the door Lance gives a small smile, stepping into the apartment.]
[Rosen follows but its clear he's not used to being the one who is being led. He comes around to one of the chairs and stands next to it, eyeing it as if he's forgotten its function.]
Its probably obvious that I'm not exactly experienced with this
[He understood his position when it was himself bandaging up Lance, or when it was Lance asking him for advice. But being the one who needs help, being the one whose asked for help, is like being thrown into cold murky water and he can't see where he's swimming]
[He's keeping up the joking to try to help Rosen stay at ease, but also to make it clear this isn't something formal to be nervous about. Unless he'd like it to be otherwise, right now this is just talking between friends who both happen to have a little more experience in the art of talking about problems than most people do.]
[Lee manages a small laugh at that and his shoulders ease back a little so its looks less like he has a coat hanger in his shirt. He even relaxes enough to pour tea into both the mugs, pushing one towards lance before pulling the other towards himself]
I should be upset about what Sato did. About Shadow.
[A sigh as he leans back fully into the chair, internally reminding himself that this is Lance. This isn't an interrogation, and this isn't the prison psychiatrist trying to convince him he's insane again.
Its Lance.]
Right now all I can think is I don't care what happens to Sato. If Maketh, or anyone, killed him right now I probably wouldn't feel much of anything about it.
[Lance is glad to see him relax a little, taking the tea when offered but not trying to drink it just yet until it cools a bit. Instead he waits, quiet, while Rosen talks, and nods a little once he finishes.]
That's a pretty normal reaction. Do you know Sato or Shadow very well?
[If so then it might be less normal, depending, but feeling ambivalent about an incident that doesn't directly involve oneself isn't unusual even if--and sometimes especially if--it's something shocking.]
I don't know Sato at all. Shadow I know somewhat. He's not bad. We talked about music. [Lee sneaks a small blow of air to try and cool his tea] I have to admit I thought I had been drugged when I first saw a talking hedgehog. Somehow it was stranger to me than the talking skeleton. But thats what this place does to you.
[His gaze lifts from the gently waving surface of his tea to Lance]
I hate killing, Lance. I hate it. Or I did. Bill, one of my Alphas, he pushed and pushed for me to carry a firearm. But I hated the things. I hated the idea of killing to the point of feeling ill over the thought of it
[Lance glances off to the side, rising his eyebrows and giving a few nods in a clear 'yeah, I've got that' in regards to getting used to the idea of talking skeletons and--apparently--hedgehogs. Compared to everything else, that sort of thing is just suddenly nowhere near as strange as it should be.
He returns his own gaze to make eye contact as Rosen continues, reading between the lines of what he's saying easily enough.]
And now you feel nothing about it? Both personally and in regards to other people?
[The question makes Rosen go quiet. Its telling that he even has to stop and think about it.]
My brain still says 'logically we hate killing', but the heart and the gut have gone quiet. I'm not about to raise a weapon myself but I don't really feel inclined to stop anyone else from doing it.
[He chuckles half-heartedly then]
Watching you, running around worrying about what Maketh is going to do or what someone else is going to do, makes it really obvious to me how much I've changed. The Rosen who outed the federal government would have been right there with you. This Rosen is tired.
[Lee attempts a sip, making a small grimace when it proves to be too hot]
[Lance nods, still watching him intently, although he gives a small wince of sympathy when Rosen burns himself on the tea. He's quiet another several seconds as he thinks over what to say, idly running his fingernails over the ceramic of his mug.]
Well, like I said and I'm sure you know, emotional deadening and numbness is a common reaction to extreme--and especially repeated--stress. So if I had to make a guess, that's likely the underlying cause and not that you've suddenly changed as a person to that extent.
[He wants it to be clear, because he's concerned Rosen might be taking this change as a sign of something being wrong with him morally instead of mentally or emotionally.]
[Rosen drums his fingertips on the table as he mulls that over. What Lance is saying is nothing new. Its what he's said to many patients in the past. But there's something that's snagging when he tries to swallow it. Some reason why it won't go down his throat]
Danielle says that I'm not capable of caring about people outside of myself. That I'm an, um, an automaton so to speak.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
Re: [Video]
Date: 2017-05-22 06:50 pm (UTC)You know, some people do just retire in their 60s.
[Lee, seated on his couch, runs a hand roughly through his now much too long silver hair, some of the strands sticking up as his fingers drop away again]
It has come to my attention that I may not be capable of offering patients the type of aid they need for mental health treatment. And for the sake of everyone it might be best I restrict myself to the running of the clinic.
[Video]
Date: 2017-05-22 06:57 pm (UTC)Did something specific happen?
[Or multiple specific things, maybe, but there has to be something that prompted this, and he's very concerned about the particular wording Rosen is using.]
Re: [Video]
Date: 2017-05-22 07:08 pm (UTC)But there's been a developing trend. One he can't ignore anymore]
I don't care.
[His eyes look directly into the video feed at that as he just lets those words sink in for a moment. its the first time he's said it aloud.
It first really struck him when Marian was asking about the Gods. What people thought of them. And sitting alone in his apartment all Rosen could dig up within himself was an emptiness. A lack of feeling. He just couldn't care about the gods or what happened to them. And then when Sato's video came up, he once again found that same lack of feeling where there should have been feeling]
I keep finding that I don't care about things I probably should...things I probably would have before.
[Lee exhales heavily]
And that is not a symptom of a fit mental health professional.
[Video]
Date: 2017-05-22 07:23 pm (UTC)It isn't, but it is a very common reaction to stress.
[He says it more simply than he normally would've because he's sure Rosen is probably aware of that fact, considering his profession. Still, he feels the reminder is important.]
Taking a break is... Probably a good idea, but is there anything you want to talk about?
[Because although he'd like to think Rosen already knows the offer is there, it's also worth the reminder.]
Re: [Video]
Date: 2017-05-22 07:47 pm (UTC)['I'm fine' is what he wants to say. Its what he always says. At least when anyone bothers to ask. And even when they don't, he says it to himself. 'I'm fine'. Always fine.
Except he's not]
-I wouldn't even know where to start.
[Video]
Date: 2017-05-22 07:57 pm (UTC)He hesitates, trying to decide whether to let the subject mostly go there or pressing a bit, but eventually chooses the latter. Considering Rosen had messaged him first, and then asked the favor, surely he knew Lance would pry and so he's taking that as a sign that Rosen might, on some level, actually want to discuss this further.]
Was there a particular instance when you first realized you felt this way?
Re: [Video]
Date: 2017-05-22 08:04 pm (UTC)[Rosen's voice trails before he closes his eyes and he shakes his head]
I don't want to do this over a phone, Lance.
[He moves to sit up on the couch, now sitting so his back is crouched over, phone held low near his knees with hims staring down at it]
[Video]
Date: 2017-05-22 08:06 pm (UTC)Would you like me to come over instead?
Re: [Video]
Date: 2017-05-22 08:08 pm (UTC)If its not an inconvenience.
[Video]
Date: 2017-05-22 08:14 pm (UTC)It isn't. I'll be there in twenty minutes.
[He has to look vaguely presentable in order to try to keep the conversation on topic, without Rosen picking up on anything and turning the questions back on him.]
[Action]
Date: 2017-05-22 08:20 pm (UTC)[In the meantime Rosen prepares tea. He has no coffee in his place so it has to be tea or nothing and at least the process of boiling water and steeping tea leaves gives him something to be doing with his hands.
When there is a knock at the door he answers it fairly quickly, dressed in dark slacks and a grey button down shirt. His usual 'classic professor at a stuffy east coast university' style of dress]
[Action]
Date: 2017-05-22 08:24 pm (UTC)When Rosen opens the door Lance gives a small smile, stepping into the apartment.]
Hey.
Re: [Action]
Date: 2017-05-22 08:30 pm (UTC)There's tea [He gestures to the pot and a pair of mugs on the kitchen table]
You look like you could use the caffeine.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-22 08:38 pm (UTC)Thanks.
[He'll just lead the way over to the table, glancing back to make sure Rosen's following.]
no subject
Date: 2017-05-22 08:41 pm (UTC)Should we, um, should we sit?
no subject
Date: 2017-05-22 08:43 pm (UTC)[Lance responds with a small grin, pulling out the other chair.]
no subject
Date: 2017-05-22 08:46 pm (UTC)Its probably obvious that I'm not exactly experienced with this
[He understood his position when it was himself bandaging up Lance, or when it was Lance asking him for advice. But being the one who needs help, being the one whose asked for help, is like being thrown into cold murky water and he can't see where he's swimming]
no subject
Date: 2017-05-22 08:50 pm (UTC)[He's keeping up the joking to try to help Rosen stay at ease, but also to make it clear this isn't something formal to be nervous about. Unless he'd like it to be otherwise, right now this is just talking between friends who both happen to have a little more experience in the art of talking about problems than most people do.]
no subject
Date: 2017-05-22 08:57 pm (UTC)I should be upset about what Sato did. About Shadow.
[A sigh as he leans back fully into the chair, internally reminding himself that this is Lance. This isn't an interrogation, and this isn't the prison psychiatrist trying to convince him he's insane again.
Its Lance.]
Right now all I can think is I don't care what happens to Sato. If Maketh, or anyone, killed him right now I probably wouldn't feel much of anything about it.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-22 09:05 pm (UTC)That's a pretty normal reaction. Do you know Sato or Shadow very well?
[If so then it might be less normal, depending, but feeling ambivalent about an incident that doesn't directly involve oneself isn't unusual even if--and sometimes especially if--it's something shocking.]
no subject
Date: 2017-05-22 09:11 pm (UTC)[His gaze lifts from the gently waving surface of his tea to Lance]
I hate killing, Lance. I hate it. Or I did. Bill, one of my Alphas, he pushed and pushed for me to carry a firearm. But I hated the things. I hated the idea of killing to the point of feeling ill over the thought of it
[But all of that is gone.]
no subject
Date: 2017-05-22 09:18 pm (UTC)He returns his own gaze to make eye contact as Rosen continues, reading between the lines of what he's saying easily enough.]
And now you feel nothing about it? Both personally and in regards to other people?
no subject
Date: 2017-05-22 09:24 pm (UTC)My brain still says 'logically we hate killing', but the heart and the gut have gone quiet. I'm not about to raise a weapon myself but I don't really feel inclined to stop anyone else from doing it.
[He chuckles half-heartedly then]
Watching you, running around worrying about what Maketh is going to do or what someone else is going to do, makes it really obvious to me how much I've changed. The Rosen who outed the federal government would have been right there with you. This Rosen is tired.
[Lee attempts a sip, making a small grimace when it proves to be too hot]
no subject
Date: 2017-05-22 09:39 pm (UTC)Well, like I said and I'm sure you know, emotional deadening and numbness is a common reaction to extreme--and especially repeated--stress. So if I had to make a guess, that's likely the underlying cause and not that you've suddenly changed as a person to that extent.
[He wants it to be clear, because he's concerned Rosen might be taking this change as a sign of something being wrong with him morally instead of mentally or emotionally.]
no subject
Date: 2017-05-22 09:44 pm (UTC)[Rosen drums his fingertips on the table as he mulls that over. What Lance is saying is nothing new. Its what he's said to many patients in the past. But there's something that's snagging when he tries to swallow it. Some reason why it won't go down his throat]
Danielle says that I'm not capable of caring about people outside of myself. That I'm an, um, an automaton so to speak.
[Another drum of his fingers]
No heart inside.
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From: