[Rosen does not answer Lance's comment about hatred. Hatred, notably self-hatred, is an emotion that Rosen has used in times to get himself off the mat. To push himself to protect more. Fight more. But he recognizes what Lance is saying as truth. And perhaps it was self-serving, trying to give Lance an out to cut him off now before it would hurt even more later. And even now Lee feels the uncomfortable bristling that comes from being viewed under the harsh light of reality, pathetic and vulnerable, and left wondering if he's just poured a corrosive acid into the veins of their friendship. Because even if Lance might not say as much, might be too kind to say as much, how could he trust Rosen the way he had before knowing what he now knows.
But Lee resolves here and now that, if Lance has not decided to cut him out like some cancerous mass, then he will show through action how important the young man's friendship has become to him. Its the harder route. One that takes time. Patience. But its more than worth the effort.]
I wish I had done things right when it was the time to act, but yes.
[He taps a fingertip against the side of the mug]
All the things I failed to do right by my daughter, by my family, are things I strive to get right now. For my Alphas. To protect them. And if I can find a way, to protect all of them. Not just my team. And also to help them grow.
[A laugh forces its way from his throat and his eyes shine]
I-I'm so proud of them. I wish you could meet them. These amazing people. I wish I could show you how far they've come. Nina and Rachel...and Gary....
[Which reminds him...]
...They don't have me to help them now. Not as long as I am in that cell.
[Lance is very forgiving in general, and like with most things whether he'll accept what Rosen did depends entirely on a combination of what motives Rosen had at the time, whether he regrets his actions now, and whether he's trying to keep from making the same mistakes again.
So far all three of those factors are on the positive side, but it's fair to say that Lance will be more cautious in the future with how much he trusts Rosen, at least for a time.
Still, Rosen's answer is encouraging regarding how he's been dealing with the Alphas, and it's still Lance's desire to help; he's quiet, giving a small smile as Rosen talks about how proud he is of the Alphas, and makes a mental note of their names before finally addressing the last thing he said.]
Hopefully what you've taught them will be enough for them to be able to help themselves now, as well as each other.
[Lee really cannot say. He trusts in their capabilities, their personal strengths, but the way things happened and the way Parish is pushing forward the world is getting less and less safe for them, and they are being forced underground.]
Do you see now why I worry about everything?
[Why he refused to let Lance be by himself while he was recovering. Why he panics over Frisk and Chara, and why he tries to poke at Sans when he can. Constantly fearing the moment he turns his back, he'll have broken someone again]
And why it worries me that I'm starting not to care about a lot of the big things going on here?
[He definitely gets why Rosen worries about everything--even if it's not necessarily always warranted--and takes another sip of tea before he responds.]
So you're worried about not being worried enough, is what this comes down to.
[It's said dryly enough that it might not be obvious it's meant lightly, but Lance briefly raises his eyebrows and looks at Rosen as he downs more tea, making it more apparent.]
It is possible to be so concerned with a few--or a lot of--things that anything new that comes up, even if it is major and would normally prompt a reaction, is just too much to be able to bring yourself to care about.
[Though it never forms a full smile, Rosen's mouth quirks in tired amusement at the ridiculous, and true, comment]
I don't know that thats how I would have put it.
[He lets his long fingers dance a bit on the rim of his mug]
I am an old man, Lance. All joking aside, I am. Now thats not to say I am about to kick the bucket, but what it means is I have lived long enough to lose a lot of things. Now my family, that was my fault and I will not pretend otherwise. But there are other losses. Things we can't control. I'm at an age where my parents are gone and its not unusual to receive letters in the mail "your college roommate has passed away, a heart attack' or 'your best friend from medical school was killed in a car crash.' And then in my line of work death is all too common. So I am going to worry until the day they finally manage to throw me in my grave. Because I've found too often when something is precious to you, its got a time limit.
[Another long sip of tea]
But worrying and caring are two separate things, and I've accepted the former and I am concerned about the latter. Worrying is fussing, protecting, stressing. Caring is that innate ability to show empathy and concern for others. And if I am losing that then I might as well be an automaton. And that is why I asked you to take my patients. Because I do not want to risk hurting anyone else. Fuck pride, or shame, a mental health professional who can't find his ability for empathy [he recognizes the irony given Danielle's ability] is only a liability.
[Lance is quiet, listening, and tries not to feel condescended to as Rosen talks about the realities of being later on in life; it's obviously not meant that way, and he can tell he's reaching his own limit of amount of stress that can be handled at one time when suddenly everything feels personal. So he carefully pushes that all aside, focusing instead on the meaning of what Rosen is saying rather than the words themselves as much.
He understands the distinction made between worrying and caring, although he doubts the division is there as strongly as Rosen seems to think it is. Still, he thinks arguing at this point is going to be more detrimental than helpful.]
I understand.
[And he's already agreed to take Rosen's patients, so he doesn't need to say that part again.]
I think it's a good idea for you to take a step back. Find something you enjoy doing--[He gestures vaguely back at the piano as a suggestion.]--and spend some time reflecting and working things out.
[With that said--]
But I highly doubt there's anything seriously wrong with your ability to care about other people, or that you're inherently selfish. You just seem tired.
[And Lance has only been in this place for a month and a half and is possibly more exhausted than he's ever been in his life, so he can't imagine Rosen feels any better after having been here even longer.]
I would like to focus on the clinic for the time being. Its where I see myself doing the most immediate good. And now that Kate and Flick-
[He pauses]
-Ah yes. I meant to mention before that the healer I told you about before. The one I trusted most. He's gone now as well. Kate, and Flick, and Faith are all gone now. So the clinic staff is a little worse for wear.
[The Clinic's a fine thing to focus on, as far as he's concerned; it's something that's very much needed here and indeed a way to do good.
The news that the healer Rosen knew best is gone, along with apparently a few others, doesn't particularly bother him personally aside from a pang of empathy for Rosen losing a friend here, but he can definitely see the practical problem.]
I don't really know anyone who works there other than you.
[So he doesn't really know much of the current roster status other than what Rosen is telling him.]
f I am honest I am not sure who 'we' is anymore myself but if you ever want to learn how to clean wounds and apply bandages we'd be more than glad for an extra set of hands
[There's Hannibal, of course, and Ronan, but he's been sworn to secrecy about Ronan's involvement with the clinic, and then he just recently asked Asgore to help where he can.
Certainly Rosen would enjoy Lance's company at the clinic, but he feels now is not exactly the right moment to press. Not while the dust is settling]
Hopefully things will stay quiet in the cave for a while longer.
I can do the basics, but it might be useful to learn things like how to do stitches.
[And he's curious, a bit; he's had a lot of stitches over time but rarely watched them be done, and it seems like a useful skill to have in general.
He sips more tea and is finally feeling the caffeine kicking in, thankfully. He was already tired and now he feels even more drained after that conversation, and so his nodding and response to Rosen's next statement is a little distant.]
I hope so, although that seems a little optimistic.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2017-05-23 12:44 am (UTC)But Lee resolves here and now that, if Lance has not decided to cut him out like some cancerous mass, then he will show through action how important the young man's friendship has become to him. Its the harder route. One that takes time. Patience. But its more than worth the effort.]
I wish I had done things right when it was the time to act, but yes.
[He taps a fingertip against the side of the mug]
All the things I failed to do right by my daughter, by my family, are things I strive to get right now. For my Alphas. To protect them. And if I can find a way, to protect all of them. Not just my team. And also to help them grow.
[A laugh forces its way from his throat and his eyes shine]
I-I'm so proud of them. I wish you could meet them. These amazing people. I wish I could show you how far they've come. Nina and Rachel...and Gary....
[Which reminds him...]
...They don't have me to help them now. Not as long as I am in that cell.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-23 01:12 am (UTC)So far all three of those factors are on the positive side, but it's fair to say that Lance will be more cautious in the future with how much he trusts Rosen, at least for a time.
Still, Rosen's answer is encouraging regarding how he's been dealing with the Alphas, and it's still Lance's desire to help; he's quiet, giving a small smile as Rosen talks about how proud he is of the Alphas, and makes a mental note of their names before finally addressing the last thing he said.]
Hopefully what you've taught them will be enough for them to be able to help themselves now, as well as each other.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-23 01:19 am (UTC)[Lee really cannot say. He trusts in their capabilities, their personal strengths, but the way things happened and the way Parish is pushing forward the world is getting less and less safe for them, and they are being forced underground.]
Do you see now why I worry about everything?
[Why he refused to let Lance be by himself while he was recovering. Why he panics over Frisk and Chara, and why he tries to poke at Sans when he can. Constantly fearing the moment he turns his back, he'll have broken someone again]
And why it worries me that I'm starting not to care about a lot of the big things going on here?
no subject
Date: 2017-05-23 01:25 am (UTC)So you're worried about not being worried enough, is what this comes down to.
[It's said dryly enough that it might not be obvious it's meant lightly, but Lance briefly raises his eyebrows and looks at Rosen as he downs more tea, making it more apparent.]
It is possible to be so concerned with a few--or a lot of--things that anything new that comes up, even if it is major and would normally prompt a reaction, is just too much to be able to bring yourself to care about.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-23 01:43 am (UTC)I don't know that thats how I would have put it.
[He lets his long fingers dance a bit on the rim of his mug]
I am an old man, Lance. All joking aside, I am. Now thats not to say I am about to kick the bucket, but what it means is I have lived long enough to lose a lot of things. Now my family, that was my fault and I will not pretend otherwise. But there are other losses. Things we can't control. I'm at an age where my parents are gone and its not unusual to receive letters in the mail "your college roommate has passed away, a heart attack' or 'your best friend from medical school was killed in a car crash.' And then in my line of work death is all too common. So I am going to worry until the day they finally manage to throw me in my grave. Because I've found too often when something is precious to you, its got a time limit.
[Another long sip of tea]
But worrying and caring are two separate things, and I've accepted the former and I am concerned about the latter. Worrying is fussing, protecting, stressing. Caring is that innate ability to show empathy and concern for others. And if I am losing that then I might as well be an automaton. And that is why I asked you to take my patients. Because I do not want to risk hurting anyone else. Fuck pride, or shame, a mental health professional who can't find his ability for empathy [he recognizes the irony given Danielle's ability] is only a liability.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-23 02:00 am (UTC)He understands the distinction made between worrying and caring, although he doubts the division is there as strongly as Rosen seems to think it is. Still, he thinks arguing at this point is going to be more detrimental than helpful.]
I understand.
[And he's already agreed to take Rosen's patients, so he doesn't need to say that part again.]
I think it's a good idea for you to take a step back. Find something you enjoy doing--[He gestures vaguely back at the piano as a suggestion.]--and spend some time reflecting and working things out.
[With that said--]
But I highly doubt there's anything seriously wrong with your ability to care about other people, or that you're inherently selfish. You just seem tired.
[And Lance has only been in this place for a month and a half and is possibly more exhausted than he's ever been in his life, so he can't imagine Rosen feels any better after having been here even longer.]
no subject
Date: 2017-05-23 02:07 am (UTC)[He pauses]
-Ah yes. I meant to mention before that the healer I told you about before. The one I trusted most. He's gone now as well. Kate, and Flick, and Faith are all gone now. So the clinic staff is a little worse for wear.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-23 02:11 am (UTC)The news that the healer Rosen knew best is gone, along with apparently a few others, doesn't particularly bother him personally aside from a pang of empathy for Rosen losing a friend here, but he can definitely see the practical problem.]
I don't really know anyone who works there other than you.
[So he doesn't really know much of the current roster status other than what Rosen is telling him.]
But if there's a way I can help, let me know.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-23 02:19 am (UTC)[There's Hannibal, of course, and Ronan, but he's been sworn to secrecy about Ronan's involvement with the clinic, and then he just recently asked Asgore to help where he can.
Certainly Rosen would enjoy Lance's company at the clinic, but he feels now is not exactly the right moment to press. Not while the dust is settling]
Hopefully things will stay quiet in the cave for a while longer.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-23 02:28 am (UTC)[And he's curious, a bit; he's had a lot of stitches over time but rarely watched them be done, and it seems like a useful skill to have in general.
He sips more tea and is finally feeling the caffeine kicking in, thankfully. He was already tired and now he feels even more drained after that conversation, and so his nodding and response to Rosen's next statement is a little distant.]
I hope so, although that seems a little optimistic.