[Lance nods, still watching him intently, although he gives a small wince of sympathy when Rosen burns himself on the tea. He's quiet another several seconds as he thinks over what to say, idly running his fingernails over the ceramic of his mug.]
Well, like I said and I'm sure you know, emotional deadening and numbness is a common reaction to extreme--and especially repeated--stress. So if I had to make a guess, that's likely the underlying cause and not that you've suddenly changed as a person to that extent.
[He wants it to be clear, because he's concerned Rosen might be taking this change as a sign of something being wrong with him morally instead of mentally or emotionally.]
[Rosen drums his fingertips on the table as he mulls that over. What Lance is saying is nothing new. Its what he's said to many patients in the past. But there's something that's snagging when he tries to swallow it. Some reason why it won't go down his throat]
Danielle says that I'm not capable of caring about people outside of myself. That I'm an, um, an automaton so to speak.
[Lance gives him time to think it over, taking the moment to ponder his tea and try to decide if he's brave enough to take a sip yet.
He's not expecting the comment about Danielle, and it immediately throws him off a bit for a few reasons; he certainly doesn't think of Rosen as being incapable of caring for other people, and it's quite an accusation for his daughter to have made. Of course, sometimes people aren't what they appear, but then again children can say pretty terrible things to their parents for all sorts of reasons.
The last is the most likely, and so--]
People can say hurtful things without truly meaning them, especially to family. Was she angry with you, or was there a particular reason for her accusation?
[Rosen stares intently at the surface of the table. If its shame, or guilt, or pain, or some combination of all three he can't be certain, but he doesn't dare look at Lance directly. And bit by bit he seems to crumple under the weight of it. Shoulders sloping, jaw going slack, and hands going still.]
[Its an awkward start to an increasingly more and more uncomfortable explanation, and its clear Rosen is trying to feel out how to even talk about this in the first place. He's never laid it out. Never put it into a narrative for anyone.]
It....it was me. At first it was fine. It was good. I was just out of medical school, I got hired on to a clinic right away. We moved into the city. But there started being problems. Danielle would go through extremes of emotions and none of the doctors could figure out why. I-I don't want to go through all this but um, it was the early stages of her ability. She's an emphatic contagion, she shares emotions, she can take them and give them but as a child she couldn't control it. How could she? She had no idea what was happening
[He stops to take a drag of breath]
It was the first Alpha ability I had ever encountered. Her mother and I, we're just average. We don't have any enhanced abilities. So i threw myself into the research. Trying to figure it out. At first I knew exactly what I was doing. What it was for. I wanted to help Dani. But it was like a drug. Once I started down that rabbit hole I couldn't, or maybe I just wouldn't, look up. I began to live in my work. Never home. And once the government got wind of my research and they wanted me as head of their research team I was definitely not in the picture.
[He couldn't see it at the time. He had kept his head down and filled with data and statistics. It formed a static that blocked out everything else]
Things at home began to unravel. The stress of having an Alpha as a child on top of the strain between myself and my wife. At some point everything just broke. The divorce was...efficient....but bitter. And then only a few years later Danielle ran way from home. To god knows where. I only found her again about a year ago. I've been absent for half her li-
[He raises a hand to cover his mouth as his voice breaks off, silent tears gathering heavy in his lashes before pooling over and dribbling down his cheeks]
[As Rosen speaks and the story starts to become clear, Lance lets out a slow, silent breath of relief; it's not like this is a good story by any means, but it isn't anything like he'd briefly feared. It's easy to feel just how terrible Rosen feels about the situation, and if the start of it was as Rosen describes, then it certainly didn't come from a place of heartlessness.
But he doesn't say that right away, mostly because if he talks he won't be able to keep control of his own emotions; it's always a struggle for him to see even strangers cry, let alone a friend, and he has to blink hard a few times to keep his own vision clear. Still, it's clear enough on his face that he feels for him, even though he doesn't make any attempt to reach out because he isn't sure that would help the situation.
Instead he's quiet for a bit longer, gaze fixed on his tea so as to give Rosen some level of privacy, and eventually he finds his voice.]
It sounds like you cared too much, if that's possible, not that you didn't care enough. It was just... Probably not expressed in a way she could understand.
[But the situation is so unique, and without knowing much about Danielle or Rosen's ex-wife he can't further guess at any factors other than those Rosen told him, but it seems completely understandable how the relationship would've fallen apart. Divorce is always hard on any children, let alone one with an ability involving empathy, and if one or both parents were misdirecting their own emotions and focuses it's no wonder that Danielle might've ended up bitter and angry toward at least one of them.]
[There are no sobs, no loud gulps for air, and aside from a small choked hum in his throat, almost a whimper, Rosen's tears remain mostly silent. He's smothering the possibility of anything else beneath his fingers which momentarily dig into his cheek, pressing into the flesh. He only drops his hand away when he's gathered himself enough to trust his voice. Cheeks still damp and breath lightly ragged he shakes his head, weakly trying to protest against what Lance is saying]
No. No.....no....
[You don't understand. He did this. He fucked it up. He ruined it.]
Even when I was home I was tired and I was short--I would, um, I would yell and then I'd lock myself in my office. As far as t-they knew I didn't want a family.
[Did he? Lee can't remember if he ever had wanted one. Or if it had been another box to tick. His guilt and his memories are so firmly fused together he's not sure what is what anymore]
And then when it was obvious it was over, I couldn't accept it. I panicked. I...I tried to use Danielle's ability to save our marriage. To try and give her mother happiness. But when Danielle touched her mother she just absorbed her hurt. The hurt that I made.
[He drops his face forward into his hands and groans, head now aching at the temples]
[Everything Rosen is saying is still pretty normal, if not exactly a great way of handling things, at least until he gets to the part about using Danielle's ability to try to manipulate the situation. That's... Something that's obviously and clearly wrong in a way that makes Lance feel unsettled, but he pushes that aside for now to focus on the big picture.]
You don't need me to tell you which parts of what you did are wrong.
[It's soft, as nonjudgmental as he can manage; Lance is pretty sure Rosen knows exactly what he did wrong, from what he's been saying. But that doesn't mean the overall conclusion he's come to correct, and that's what Lance is trying to address for now.
He's quiet another few seconds before he shifts a little to rest his elbows on the table, leaning forward while he speaks.]
I've met people who don't care; people who were completely and utterly only concerned with their own desires and needs, some of whom were relatively benign and some of whom did horrific things.
[He pauses once more, trying to make eye contact again.]
But what was universal among them is that they didn't feel guilt. They didn't feel remorse. And none of them ever accepted blame for their actions, or tried to change them.
[Rosen shuts his eyes tightly against the skin of his palms. He can feel Lance trying to make eye contact and he's not ready. His breath comes in long drags now, burning down his throat, but they don't ever feel like they are reaching his lungs.
Finally he shudders with a particularly large gasp for air and he lets his hands fall away, dropping them into his lap. Staring forward with the numb disorientation that tends to following the aftermath of weeping.
After a moment he turns his head, and though not making direct eye contact, he's gazing steadily at Lance's hands]
I was a coward of a father. [A small nod accompanies that quiet but very much decided statement] I've tried to be less of a coward for my Alphas. Thats...thats why I did what I did when I got arrested.
Danielle [His voice still hitches at her name] She and I...we've been talking. Seeing each other. It hasn't been easy but she's the only one who visits me in the prison. Who r-reassures me that what I know to be true is true. I'm not crazy.
[Lee finally looks Lance in the eye, his own now puffy and bloodshot]
I'm sorry. I shouldn't put this on you. You have more than enough to worry about.
[Lance doesn't argue with any of Rosen's first statements; they're harsh, perhaps unnecessarily so, but perhaps not. Still, it's clear from what Lance knows of what Rosen did regarding the Alphas that Rosen was indeed trying to make up for his mistakes with his daughter.
So he lets that go, especially since what Rosen says about Danielle visiting him is very significant.]
If she's willing to talk to you, and not just that but visit you, then it's unlikely she finds what you did unforgivable.
[If she's reaching out, then there's hope there.
Lance shakes his head immediately at the apology, sitting back in his chair again and touching his fingers to his mug of tea; it's probably cool enough to drink now, but he doesn't just yet and instead focuses on Rosen once more.]
There's no reason to apologize, especially since I offered to listen. And it's good to talk about it; you won't resolve anything by just holding onto it.
[Considering how long ago what Rosen's describing apparently happened, it's unlikely he's had much success at sorting it out through self-reflection. And sure, Lance is being a huge hypocrite here about talking about problems, but he does know this is the best way to go about dealing with things.]
[Rosen wouldn't have stood for Lance disagreeing with that statement anyway. Yes, it hurts to finally say it aloud, but he's a 60 yr old man and what seeds he sowed in his younger years must bare what fruit they will. And he must face that. Its time]
I asked her to show me [He holds up a hand to vaguely demonstrate what he means] To show me what it felt like when an empath absorbs sorrow or anguish. She's such a kind girl that even after everything she still didn't want me to know what that kind of hurt felt like. She still wanted to protect me. But I needed to know... in the end we both needed for me to know. To understand. Its so raw. It goes straight to your nerves. You feel sick. You feel like your core is coming undone. Like the very threads of your being are unraveling from the pain.
[He shakes his head sadly]
And that was just a very small taste. I can never forgive myself for what I did. Even if she somehow finds a way to, I can't. At the time I somehow convinced myself it was for the good of the family, if I could just save the family it would be best for everyone.
But that was fucking bullshit. I was only protective myself.
[Sighing he lifts his mug to his lips, throat parched from the crying, and when he lowers it again he looks at Lance dead on]
So if you hate me now that you know this. I understand. [It is said without self-pity. Instead it is almost said like a suggestion]
[Lance can't imagine what it would feel like for someone with that level of empathy to take on such strong emotions; he's one of those people who is not only empathetic but has enough experiences of his own to understand a lot of situations, and that's often painful enough. Something beyond that, to the point where it'd seem like an almost supernatural power, is unfathomable.
He also can't really argue with anything Rosen is saying, or even say that he should forgive himself for his actions, although that'd be ideal. He does have an idea of something that might help moving forward, but Rosen's last statement catches him off guard and he has to address it first.
His initial reaction is annoyance, which is only stopped by that he can tell Rosen isn't being self-pitying. Still, whether self-pitying or a suggestion it's still a statement that's self-serving and edges on manipulative. So Lance takes a moment to decide how he wants to respond, before deciding to go with something carefully said.]
Hatred is a poisonous emotion.
[It's one that can't always be helped, and there had definitely been times in his life that he'd felt it, but it's one of those emotions he tries very purposefully not to cultivate. The people he's felt that way toward are not individuals he wants to have any sort of connection with, and hatred connects people as strongly as love can.
And he certainly doesn't feel that way about Rosen; he's disappointed, a bit, maybe a little angry about a few things, but nothing strong enough to want to cut ties by any means. If Rosen's attitude about the subjects was different, then maybe, but not in this situation.
He finally takes a sip of tea, mostly as something to do, before setting the mug back down and saying what he'd originally wanted to say in response.]
These mistakes you made, and the choices you regret; have you learned from them?
[Rosen does not answer Lance's comment about hatred. Hatred, notably self-hatred, is an emotion that Rosen has used in times to get himself off the mat. To push himself to protect more. Fight more. But he recognizes what Lance is saying as truth. And perhaps it was self-serving, trying to give Lance an out to cut him off now before it would hurt even more later. And even now Lee feels the uncomfortable bristling that comes from being viewed under the harsh light of reality, pathetic and vulnerable, and left wondering if he's just poured a corrosive acid into the veins of their friendship. Because even if Lance might not say as much, might be too kind to say as much, how could he trust Rosen the way he had before knowing what he now knows.
But Lee resolves here and now that, if Lance has not decided to cut him out like some cancerous mass, then he will show through action how important the young man's friendship has become to him. Its the harder route. One that takes time. Patience. But its more than worth the effort.]
I wish I had done things right when it was the time to act, but yes.
[He taps a fingertip against the side of the mug]
All the things I failed to do right by my daughter, by my family, are things I strive to get right now. For my Alphas. To protect them. And if I can find a way, to protect all of them. Not just my team. And also to help them grow.
[A laugh forces its way from his throat and his eyes shine]
I-I'm so proud of them. I wish you could meet them. These amazing people. I wish I could show you how far they've come. Nina and Rachel...and Gary....
[Which reminds him...]
...They don't have me to help them now. Not as long as I am in that cell.
[Lance is very forgiving in general, and like with most things whether he'll accept what Rosen did depends entirely on a combination of what motives Rosen had at the time, whether he regrets his actions now, and whether he's trying to keep from making the same mistakes again.
So far all three of those factors are on the positive side, but it's fair to say that Lance will be more cautious in the future with how much he trusts Rosen, at least for a time.
Still, Rosen's answer is encouraging regarding how he's been dealing with the Alphas, and it's still Lance's desire to help; he's quiet, giving a small smile as Rosen talks about how proud he is of the Alphas, and makes a mental note of their names before finally addressing the last thing he said.]
Hopefully what you've taught them will be enough for them to be able to help themselves now, as well as each other.
[Lee really cannot say. He trusts in their capabilities, their personal strengths, but the way things happened and the way Parish is pushing forward the world is getting less and less safe for them, and they are being forced underground.]
Do you see now why I worry about everything?
[Why he refused to let Lance be by himself while he was recovering. Why he panics over Frisk and Chara, and why he tries to poke at Sans when he can. Constantly fearing the moment he turns his back, he'll have broken someone again]
And why it worries me that I'm starting not to care about a lot of the big things going on here?
[He definitely gets why Rosen worries about everything--even if it's not necessarily always warranted--and takes another sip of tea before he responds.]
So you're worried about not being worried enough, is what this comes down to.
[It's said dryly enough that it might not be obvious it's meant lightly, but Lance briefly raises his eyebrows and looks at Rosen as he downs more tea, making it more apparent.]
It is possible to be so concerned with a few--or a lot of--things that anything new that comes up, even if it is major and would normally prompt a reaction, is just too much to be able to bring yourself to care about.
[Though it never forms a full smile, Rosen's mouth quirks in tired amusement at the ridiculous, and true, comment]
I don't know that thats how I would have put it.
[He lets his long fingers dance a bit on the rim of his mug]
I am an old man, Lance. All joking aside, I am. Now thats not to say I am about to kick the bucket, but what it means is I have lived long enough to lose a lot of things. Now my family, that was my fault and I will not pretend otherwise. But there are other losses. Things we can't control. I'm at an age where my parents are gone and its not unusual to receive letters in the mail "your college roommate has passed away, a heart attack' or 'your best friend from medical school was killed in a car crash.' And then in my line of work death is all too common. So I am going to worry until the day they finally manage to throw me in my grave. Because I've found too often when something is precious to you, its got a time limit.
[Another long sip of tea]
But worrying and caring are two separate things, and I've accepted the former and I am concerned about the latter. Worrying is fussing, protecting, stressing. Caring is that innate ability to show empathy and concern for others. And if I am losing that then I might as well be an automaton. And that is why I asked you to take my patients. Because I do not want to risk hurting anyone else. Fuck pride, or shame, a mental health professional who can't find his ability for empathy [he recognizes the irony given Danielle's ability] is only a liability.
[Lance is quiet, listening, and tries not to feel condescended to as Rosen talks about the realities of being later on in life; it's obviously not meant that way, and he can tell he's reaching his own limit of amount of stress that can be handled at one time when suddenly everything feels personal. So he carefully pushes that all aside, focusing instead on the meaning of what Rosen is saying rather than the words themselves as much.
He understands the distinction made between worrying and caring, although he doubts the division is there as strongly as Rosen seems to think it is. Still, he thinks arguing at this point is going to be more detrimental than helpful.]
I understand.
[And he's already agreed to take Rosen's patients, so he doesn't need to say that part again.]
I think it's a good idea for you to take a step back. Find something you enjoy doing--[He gestures vaguely back at the piano as a suggestion.]--and spend some time reflecting and working things out.
[With that said--]
But I highly doubt there's anything seriously wrong with your ability to care about other people, or that you're inherently selfish. You just seem tired.
[And Lance has only been in this place for a month and a half and is possibly more exhausted than he's ever been in his life, so he can't imagine Rosen feels any better after having been here even longer.]
I would like to focus on the clinic for the time being. Its where I see myself doing the most immediate good. And now that Kate and Flick-
[He pauses]
-Ah yes. I meant to mention before that the healer I told you about before. The one I trusted most. He's gone now as well. Kate, and Flick, and Faith are all gone now. So the clinic staff is a little worse for wear.
[The Clinic's a fine thing to focus on, as far as he's concerned; it's something that's very much needed here and indeed a way to do good.
The news that the healer Rosen knew best is gone, along with apparently a few others, doesn't particularly bother him personally aside from a pang of empathy for Rosen losing a friend here, but he can definitely see the practical problem.]
I don't really know anyone who works there other than you.
[So he doesn't really know much of the current roster status other than what Rosen is telling him.]
f I am honest I am not sure who 'we' is anymore myself but if you ever want to learn how to clean wounds and apply bandages we'd be more than glad for an extra set of hands
[There's Hannibal, of course, and Ronan, but he's been sworn to secrecy about Ronan's involvement with the clinic, and then he just recently asked Asgore to help where he can.
Certainly Rosen would enjoy Lance's company at the clinic, but he feels now is not exactly the right moment to press. Not while the dust is settling]
Hopefully things will stay quiet in the cave for a while longer.
I can do the basics, but it might be useful to learn things like how to do stitches.
[And he's curious, a bit; he's had a lot of stitches over time but rarely watched them be done, and it seems like a useful skill to have in general.
He sips more tea and is finally feeling the caffeine kicking in, thankfully. He was already tired and now he feels even more drained after that conversation, and so his nodding and response to Rosen's next statement is a little distant.]
I hope so, although that seems a little optimistic.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2017-05-22 09:39 pm (UTC)Well, like I said and I'm sure you know, emotional deadening and numbness is a common reaction to extreme--and especially repeated--stress. So if I had to make a guess, that's likely the underlying cause and not that you've suddenly changed as a person to that extent.
[He wants it to be clear, because he's concerned Rosen might be taking this change as a sign of something being wrong with him morally instead of mentally or emotionally.]
no subject
Date: 2017-05-22 09:44 pm (UTC)[Rosen drums his fingertips on the table as he mulls that over. What Lance is saying is nothing new. Its what he's said to many patients in the past. But there's something that's snagging when he tries to swallow it. Some reason why it won't go down his throat]
Danielle says that I'm not capable of caring about people outside of myself. That I'm an, um, an automaton so to speak.
[Another drum of his fingers]
No heart inside.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-22 09:51 pm (UTC)He's not expecting the comment about Danielle, and it immediately throws him off a bit for a few reasons; he certainly doesn't think of Rosen as being incapable of caring for other people, and it's quite an accusation for his daughter to have made. Of course, sometimes people aren't what they appear, but then again children can say pretty terrible things to their parents for all sorts of reasons.
The last is the most likely, and so--]
People can say hurtful things without truly meaning them, especially to family. Was she angry with you, or was there a particular reason for her accusation?
no subject
Date: 2017-05-22 09:56 pm (UTC)Given her experience. She's not wrong.
[A hard swallow]
no subject
Date: 2017-05-22 10:00 pm (UTC)What do you mean?
[He asks the question a little cautiously, hoping that Rosen is just feeling overly guilty about something relatively benign or understandable.]
no subject
Date: 2017-05-22 10:13 pm (UTC)[Its an awkward start to an increasingly more and more uncomfortable explanation, and its clear Rosen is trying to feel out how to even talk about this in the first place. He's never laid it out. Never put it into a narrative for anyone.]
It....it was me. At first it was fine. It was good. I was just out of medical school, I got hired on to a clinic right away. We moved into the city. But there started being problems. Danielle would go through extremes of emotions and none of the doctors could figure out why. I-I don't want to go through all this but um, it was the early stages of her ability. She's an emphatic contagion, she shares emotions, she can take them and give them but as a child she couldn't control it. How could she? She had no idea what was happening
[He stops to take a drag of breath]
It was the first Alpha ability I had ever encountered. Her mother and I, we're just average. We don't have any enhanced abilities. So i threw myself into the research. Trying to figure it out. At first I knew exactly what I was doing. What it was for. I wanted to help Dani. But it was like a drug. Once I started down that rabbit hole I couldn't, or maybe I just wouldn't, look up. I began to live in my work. Never home. And once the government got wind of my research and they wanted me as head of their research team I was definitely not in the picture.
[He couldn't see it at the time. He had kept his head down and filled with data and statistics. It formed a static that blocked out everything else]
Things at home began to unravel. The stress of having an Alpha as a child on top of the strain between myself and my wife. At some point everything just broke. The divorce was...efficient....but bitter. And then only a few years later Danielle ran way from home. To god knows where. I only found her again about a year ago. I've been absent for half her li-
[He raises a hand to cover his mouth as his voice breaks off, silent tears gathering heavy in his lashes before pooling over and dribbling down his cheeks]
no subject
Date: 2017-05-22 10:47 pm (UTC)But he doesn't say that right away, mostly because if he talks he won't be able to keep control of his own emotions; it's always a struggle for him to see even strangers cry, let alone a friend, and he has to blink hard a few times to keep his own vision clear. Still, it's clear enough on his face that he feels for him, even though he doesn't make any attempt to reach out because he isn't sure that would help the situation.
Instead he's quiet for a bit longer, gaze fixed on his tea so as to give Rosen some level of privacy, and eventually he finds his voice.]
It sounds like you cared too much, if that's possible, not that you didn't care enough. It was just... Probably not expressed in a way she could understand.
[But the situation is so unique, and without knowing much about Danielle or Rosen's ex-wife he can't further guess at any factors other than those Rosen told him, but it seems completely understandable how the relationship would've fallen apart. Divorce is always hard on any children, let alone one with an ability involving empathy, and if one or both parents were misdirecting their own emotions and focuses it's no wonder that Danielle might've ended up bitter and angry toward at least one of them.]
no subject
Date: 2017-05-22 11:01 pm (UTC)No. No.....no....
[You don't understand. He did this. He fucked it up. He ruined it.]
Even when I was home I was tired and I was short--I would, um, I would yell and then I'd lock myself in my office. As far as t-they knew I didn't want a family.
[Did he? Lee can't remember if he ever had wanted one. Or if it had been another box to tick. His guilt and his memories are so firmly fused together he's not sure what is what anymore]
And then when it was obvious it was over, I couldn't accept it. I panicked. I...I tried to use Danielle's ability to save our marriage. To try and give her mother happiness. But when Danielle touched her mother she just absorbed her hurt. The hurt that I made.
[He drops his face forward into his hands and groans, head now aching at the temples]
It was me. It was me. All of it.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-22 11:16 pm (UTC)You don't need me to tell you which parts of what you did are wrong.
[It's soft, as nonjudgmental as he can manage; Lance is pretty sure Rosen knows exactly what he did wrong, from what he's been saying. But that doesn't mean the overall conclusion he's come to correct, and that's what Lance is trying to address for now.
He's quiet another few seconds before he shifts a little to rest his elbows on the table, leaning forward while he speaks.]
I've met people who don't care; people who were completely and utterly only concerned with their own desires and needs, some of whom were relatively benign and some of whom did horrific things.
[He pauses once more, trying to make eye contact again.]
But what was universal among them is that they didn't feel guilt. They didn't feel remorse. And none of them ever accepted blame for their actions, or tried to change them.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-22 11:26 pm (UTC)Finally he shudders with a particularly large gasp for air and he lets his hands fall away, dropping them into his lap. Staring forward with the numb disorientation that tends to following the aftermath of weeping.
After a moment he turns his head, and though not making direct eye contact, he's gazing steadily at Lance's hands]
I was a coward of a father. [A small nod accompanies that quiet but very much decided statement] I've tried to be less of a coward for my Alphas. Thats...thats why I did what I did when I got arrested.
Danielle [His voice still hitches at her name] She and I...we've been talking. Seeing each other. It hasn't been easy but she's the only one who visits me in the prison. Who r-reassures me that what I know to be true is true. I'm not crazy.
[Lee finally looks Lance in the eye, his own now puffy and bloodshot]
I'm sorry. I shouldn't put this on you. You have more than enough to worry about.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-22 11:39 pm (UTC)So he lets that go, especially since what Rosen says about Danielle visiting him is very significant.]
If she's willing to talk to you, and not just that but visit you, then it's unlikely she finds what you did unforgivable.
[If she's reaching out, then there's hope there.
Lance shakes his head immediately at the apology, sitting back in his chair again and touching his fingers to his mug of tea; it's probably cool enough to drink now, but he doesn't just yet and instead focuses on Rosen once more.]
There's no reason to apologize, especially since I offered to listen. And it's good to talk about it; you won't resolve anything by just holding onto it.
[Considering how long ago what Rosen's describing apparently happened, it's unlikely he's had much success at sorting it out through self-reflection. And sure, Lance is being a huge hypocrite here about talking about problems, but he does know this is the best way to go about dealing with things.]
no subject
Date: 2017-05-22 11:53 pm (UTC)I asked her to show me [He holds up a hand to vaguely demonstrate what he means] To show me what it felt like when an empath absorbs sorrow or anguish. She's such a kind girl that even after everything she still didn't want me to know what that kind of hurt felt like. She still wanted to protect me. But I needed to know... in the end we both needed for me to know. To understand. Its so raw. It goes straight to your nerves. You feel sick. You feel like your core is coming undone. Like the very threads of your being are unraveling from the pain.
[He shakes his head sadly]
And that was just a very small taste. I can never forgive myself for what I did. Even if she somehow finds a way to, I can't. At the time I somehow convinced myself it was for the good of the family, if I could just save the family it would be best for everyone.
But that was fucking bullshit. I was only protective myself.
[Sighing he lifts his mug to his lips, throat parched from the crying, and when he lowers it again he looks at Lance dead on]
So if you hate me now that you know this. I understand. [It is said without self-pity. Instead it is almost said like a suggestion]
no subject
Date: 2017-05-23 12:22 am (UTC)He also can't really argue with anything Rosen is saying, or even say that he should forgive himself for his actions, although that'd be ideal. He does have an idea of something that might help moving forward, but Rosen's last statement catches him off guard and he has to address it first.
His initial reaction is annoyance, which is only stopped by that he can tell Rosen isn't being self-pitying. Still, whether self-pitying or a suggestion it's still a statement that's self-serving and edges on manipulative. So Lance takes a moment to decide how he wants to respond, before deciding to go with something carefully said.]
Hatred is a poisonous emotion.
[It's one that can't always be helped, and there had definitely been times in his life that he'd felt it, but it's one of those emotions he tries very purposefully not to cultivate. The people he's felt that way toward are not individuals he wants to have any sort of connection with, and hatred connects people as strongly as love can.
And he certainly doesn't feel that way about Rosen; he's disappointed, a bit, maybe a little angry about a few things, but nothing strong enough to want to cut ties by any means. If Rosen's attitude about the subjects was different, then maybe, but not in this situation.
He finally takes a sip of tea, mostly as something to do, before setting the mug back down and saying what he'd originally wanted to say in response.]
These mistakes you made, and the choices you regret; have you learned from them?
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Date: 2017-05-23 12:44 am (UTC)But Lee resolves here and now that, if Lance has not decided to cut him out like some cancerous mass, then he will show through action how important the young man's friendship has become to him. Its the harder route. One that takes time. Patience. But its more than worth the effort.]
I wish I had done things right when it was the time to act, but yes.
[He taps a fingertip against the side of the mug]
All the things I failed to do right by my daughter, by my family, are things I strive to get right now. For my Alphas. To protect them. And if I can find a way, to protect all of them. Not just my team. And also to help them grow.
[A laugh forces its way from his throat and his eyes shine]
I-I'm so proud of them. I wish you could meet them. These amazing people. I wish I could show you how far they've come. Nina and Rachel...and Gary....
[Which reminds him...]
...They don't have me to help them now. Not as long as I am in that cell.
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Date: 2017-05-23 01:12 am (UTC)So far all three of those factors are on the positive side, but it's fair to say that Lance will be more cautious in the future with how much he trusts Rosen, at least for a time.
Still, Rosen's answer is encouraging regarding how he's been dealing with the Alphas, and it's still Lance's desire to help; he's quiet, giving a small smile as Rosen talks about how proud he is of the Alphas, and makes a mental note of their names before finally addressing the last thing he said.]
Hopefully what you've taught them will be enough for them to be able to help themselves now, as well as each other.
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Date: 2017-05-23 01:19 am (UTC)[Lee really cannot say. He trusts in their capabilities, their personal strengths, but the way things happened and the way Parish is pushing forward the world is getting less and less safe for them, and they are being forced underground.]
Do you see now why I worry about everything?
[Why he refused to let Lance be by himself while he was recovering. Why he panics over Frisk and Chara, and why he tries to poke at Sans when he can. Constantly fearing the moment he turns his back, he'll have broken someone again]
And why it worries me that I'm starting not to care about a lot of the big things going on here?
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Date: 2017-05-23 01:25 am (UTC)So you're worried about not being worried enough, is what this comes down to.
[It's said dryly enough that it might not be obvious it's meant lightly, but Lance briefly raises his eyebrows and looks at Rosen as he downs more tea, making it more apparent.]
It is possible to be so concerned with a few--or a lot of--things that anything new that comes up, even if it is major and would normally prompt a reaction, is just too much to be able to bring yourself to care about.
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Date: 2017-05-23 01:43 am (UTC)I don't know that thats how I would have put it.
[He lets his long fingers dance a bit on the rim of his mug]
I am an old man, Lance. All joking aside, I am. Now thats not to say I am about to kick the bucket, but what it means is I have lived long enough to lose a lot of things. Now my family, that was my fault and I will not pretend otherwise. But there are other losses. Things we can't control. I'm at an age where my parents are gone and its not unusual to receive letters in the mail "your college roommate has passed away, a heart attack' or 'your best friend from medical school was killed in a car crash.' And then in my line of work death is all too common. So I am going to worry until the day they finally manage to throw me in my grave. Because I've found too often when something is precious to you, its got a time limit.
[Another long sip of tea]
But worrying and caring are two separate things, and I've accepted the former and I am concerned about the latter. Worrying is fussing, protecting, stressing. Caring is that innate ability to show empathy and concern for others. And if I am losing that then I might as well be an automaton. And that is why I asked you to take my patients. Because I do not want to risk hurting anyone else. Fuck pride, or shame, a mental health professional who can't find his ability for empathy [he recognizes the irony given Danielle's ability] is only a liability.
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Date: 2017-05-23 02:00 am (UTC)He understands the distinction made between worrying and caring, although he doubts the division is there as strongly as Rosen seems to think it is. Still, he thinks arguing at this point is going to be more detrimental than helpful.]
I understand.
[And he's already agreed to take Rosen's patients, so he doesn't need to say that part again.]
I think it's a good idea for you to take a step back. Find something you enjoy doing--[He gestures vaguely back at the piano as a suggestion.]--and spend some time reflecting and working things out.
[With that said--]
But I highly doubt there's anything seriously wrong with your ability to care about other people, or that you're inherently selfish. You just seem tired.
[And Lance has only been in this place for a month and a half and is possibly more exhausted than he's ever been in his life, so he can't imagine Rosen feels any better after having been here even longer.]
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Date: 2017-05-23 02:07 am (UTC)[He pauses]
-Ah yes. I meant to mention before that the healer I told you about before. The one I trusted most. He's gone now as well. Kate, and Flick, and Faith are all gone now. So the clinic staff is a little worse for wear.
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Date: 2017-05-23 02:11 am (UTC)The news that the healer Rosen knew best is gone, along with apparently a few others, doesn't particularly bother him personally aside from a pang of empathy for Rosen losing a friend here, but he can definitely see the practical problem.]
I don't really know anyone who works there other than you.
[So he doesn't really know much of the current roster status other than what Rosen is telling him.]
But if there's a way I can help, let me know.
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Date: 2017-05-23 02:19 am (UTC)[There's Hannibal, of course, and Ronan, but he's been sworn to secrecy about Ronan's involvement with the clinic, and then he just recently asked Asgore to help where he can.
Certainly Rosen would enjoy Lance's company at the clinic, but he feels now is not exactly the right moment to press. Not while the dust is settling]
Hopefully things will stay quiet in the cave for a while longer.
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Date: 2017-05-23 02:28 am (UTC)[And he's curious, a bit; he's had a lot of stitches over time but rarely watched them be done, and it seems like a useful skill to have in general.
He sips more tea and is finally feeling the caffeine kicking in, thankfully. He was already tired and now he feels even more drained after that conversation, and so his nodding and response to Rosen's next statement is a little distant.]
I hope so, although that seems a little optimistic.