[He's growing even less impressed with the answers as they go on, which is saying something. But he's working on keeping that out of his tone, so although the comment is stated firmly it doesn't hold any accusation; that's about all he can manage at the moment.]
[Alright, better, but Lance doesn't like that he completely skipped it at first. Still, he'll just keep that in mind for the moment, and nods at Ephemera to go ahead and continue the story.]
[He really dislikes this, and he well aware of the fact that he's having enough trouble staying professional that it's getting to the point where he should consider stopping the conversation and trying again later. But he's not quite there yet, even if it takes him several seconds before he decides how to respond.
He doesn't want to directly point out any of the impressions he's gotten just yet, both because he's not entirely sure if he's being oversensitive to things and because if he isn't it's better to see if Ephemera can come to the conclusion on his own. So for now, he asks a question--]
[Ephemera hesitates. It's not the question he expected. What would he have felt?]
I don't know. Regret.
[There's only been one time where the people he targeted weren't the ones he intended to hurt, and that was--different. Not what Sweets is talking about.
I killed a lot of people. There was the war and then there was--hnn.
[He shrugs. Pushes the paints out of alignment. Pulls down the collar of his shirt just enough to show the tattoo there. Redemption printed out rough and blocky.]
Almost killed some kids, once. They had armor on and we had orders. Would've been justified. But CT, my captain, he said no. We're not gonna do that. Little brats still took all our rations.
[He's quiet for a moment. Lets go of his shirt.]
I almost killed those kids. 'cause their parents were on one side and we were on the other, and command said they had to go. I remember I was...tired, afterward.
Think it would've been like that, if I'd killed her.
[As horrifying as that story is, it's at least something that happened during a war and no one ended up killing the kids, so that's... Something.
He notes the tattoo, and the particular word choice, and takes a moment to gather his thoughts and press his fingers against his forehead in an attempt to keep his headache at bay. Finally, after another few seconds, he asks another question.]
There's a very important distinction between these two events, as you've described them, regarding your own actions. Do you know what it is?
[Most of the kids still died, but CT drew a line in the sand that day. Made it clear what was allowed and what wasn't. Where they stood, what they'd do together, who they were as a squad. And for a moment it had felt good, before command's response ripped the whole place to shreds.]
Well, yes, and that's very important, but it's not what I meant.
[Although he realizes he's probably being too vague and so this method of questioning might end up being frustrating instead of helpful, and so decides to go ahead and give the answer he was looking for.]
The decision whether or not to act was made by different people. In the event you described, your captain made the call; in the altercation with Kyna, you did.
He had this way with people, you know? He could talk to anyone. Kept things calm. Most offices don't give a shit if you die or not, but not him. He took care of us. Him and Chica, his sergeant, they were fucking unstoppable. I was some idiot rookie and they took me in. Taught me everything.
[He watches Sweets for a moment.]
Your world probably doesn't have Helljumpers, but where I'm from, it's a goddamn miracle if you make it past three drops without losing somebody. CT got us through fifty-six before it went wrong. He never left anybody behind and he never got civilians killed. He was my brother.
[Despite everything else, Lance smiles faintly at how Ephemera talks about CT; he can feel how much Ephemera cared about him, and he can imagine what kind of person CT might've been just from that short description.
Lance nods in understanding, but doesn't immediately respond as he decides exactly how he wants to ask his next question.]
[Ephemera's smile fades. CT died surrounded by strangers out in some desert, and he died because they were idiots and didn't watch his back like Ephemera would have.]
He's gone now.
[His family is dead and Washington is still here.]
[He means it, even though he has already presumed that was the case both by the past tense usage and what he knows of Ephemera's history with Washington.]
But being gone doesn't mean that what he taught you, or the type of person he was, has to go with him. You knew him well enough to know how he would feel about what's going on, right? What would he be telling you to do about the problems you're having here?
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2017-11-01 03:19 am (UTC)And then?
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Date: 2017-11-01 03:43 am (UTC)I told her what she could do with her shitty taste. Went wrong, after that.
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Date: 2017-11-01 03:57 am (UTC)[He already knows the answer for the most part, but again it's about how Ephemera says it.]
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Date: 2017-11-01 06:34 pm (UTC)She got me in the face. I didn't have my helmet on. Couldn't see.
[It's not an excuse. It actually makes things worse, like Washington said.]
Reflex. Thought I had to put her down.
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Date: 2017-11-01 09:32 pm (UTC)[He's growing even less impressed with the answers as they go on, which is saying something. But he's working on keeping that out of his tone, so although the comment is stated firmly it doesn't hold any accusation; that's about all he can manage at the moment.]
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Date: 2017-11-01 09:52 pm (UTC)What? What did I skip?
[For better or worse, it's a genuine question.]
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Date: 2017-11-01 09:55 pm (UTC)[He knows this for sure because Ephemera already told him earlier, but not in this more detailed retelling.]
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Date: 2017-11-01 10:11 pm (UTC)[He did, didn't he? Ephemera thins his mouth. Is this what he's doing now? Forgetting things when it becomes convenient?
Suck it up. Do your job.]
I grabbed her. Was gonna throw her in the dumpster.
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Date: 2017-11-01 10:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-11-01 10:35 pm (UTC)I got her in the ribs. She hit me with something when she went down, I don't know what it was.
[Magic. It doesn't matter. It hadn't slowed him down.]
Felt her ribs go, when I hit her. She was cursing her head off, but she could still breathe okay. Told her to go see a medic.
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Date: 2017-11-01 10:48 pm (UTC)He doesn't want to directly point out any of the impressions he's gotten just yet, both because he's not entirely sure if he's being oversensitive to things and because if he isn't it's better to see if Ephemera can come to the conclusion on his own. So for now, he asks a question--]
What would you have done if she weren't okay?
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Date: 2017-11-01 11:10 pm (UTC)[If she'd been that badly hurt, she probably couldn't have stopped him.
Ephemera twitches. Stares at the wall.]
If she died, I don't know.
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Date: 2017-11-02 12:47 am (UTC)[Because that's really more what he's trying to get at.]
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Date: 2017-11-02 01:00 am (UTC)I don't know. Regret.
[There's only been one time where the people he targeted weren't the ones he intended to hurt, and that was--different. Not what Sweets is talking about.
He's quiet for a moment. Then:]
Tired.
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Date: 2017-11-02 01:18 am (UTC)Tired in what respect?
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Date: 2017-11-02 01:36 am (UTC)[He shrugs. Pushes the paints out of alignment. Pulls down the collar of his shirt just enough to show the tattoo there. Redemption printed out rough and blocky.]
Almost killed some kids, once. They had armor on and we had orders. Would've been justified. But CT, my captain, he said no. We're not gonna do that. Little brats still took all our rations.
[He's quiet for a moment. Lets go of his shirt.]
I almost killed those kids. 'cause their parents were on one side and we were on the other, and command said they had to go. I remember I was...tired, afterward.
Think it would've been like that, if I'd killed her.
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Date: 2017-11-02 04:39 pm (UTC)He notes the tattoo, and the particular word choice, and takes a moment to gather his thoughts and press his fingers against his forehead in an attempt to keep his headache at bay. Finally, after another few seconds, he asks another question.]
There's a very important distinction between these two events, as you've described them, regarding your own actions. Do you know what it is?
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Date: 2017-11-02 05:03 pm (UTC)[Most of the kids still died, but CT drew a line in the sand that day. Made it clear what was allowed and what wasn't. Where they stood, what they'd do together, who they were as a squad. And for a moment it had felt good, before command's response ripped the whole place to shreds.]
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Date: 2017-11-02 05:09 pm (UTC)[Although he realizes he's probably being too vague and so this method of questioning might end up being frustrating instead of helpful, and so decides to go ahead and give the answer he was looking for.]
The decision whether or not to act was made by different people. In the event you described, your captain made the call; in the altercation with Kyna, you did.
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Date: 2017-11-02 05:17 pm (UTC)[Ephemera hadn't thought of it that way. It seems obvious now that Sweets pointed it out.]
CT was a good captain.
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Date: 2017-11-02 05:20 pm (UTC)[Because that might end up being helpful.]
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Date: 2017-11-02 05:34 pm (UTC)He had this way with people, you know? He could talk to anyone. Kept things calm. Most offices don't give a shit if you die or not, but not him. He took care of us. Him and Chica, his sergeant, they were fucking unstoppable. I was some idiot rookie and they took me in. Taught me everything.
[He watches Sweets for a moment.]
Your world probably doesn't have Helljumpers, but where I'm from, it's a goddamn miracle if you make it past three drops without losing somebody. CT got us through fifty-six before it went wrong. He never left anybody behind and he never got civilians killed. He was my brother.
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Date: 2017-11-02 05:40 pm (UTC)Lance nods in understanding, but doesn't immediately respond as he decides exactly how he wants to ask his next question.]
Was he the kind of person you would want to be?
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Date: 2017-11-02 05:48 pm (UTC)[Ephemera's smile fades. CT died surrounded by strangers out in some desert, and he died because they were idiots and didn't watch his back like Ephemera would have.]
He's gone now.
[His family is dead and Washington is still here.]
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Date: 2017-11-02 05:53 pm (UTC)[He means it, even though he has already presumed that was the case both by the past tense usage and what he knows of Ephemera's history with Washington.]
But being gone doesn't mean that what he taught you, or the type of person he was, has to go with him. You knew him well enough to know how he would feel about what's going on, right? What would he be telling you to do about the problems you're having here?
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