He had this way with people, you know? He could talk to anyone. Kept things calm. Most offices don't give a shit if you die or not, but not him. He took care of us. Him and Chica, his sergeant, they were fucking unstoppable. I was some idiot rookie and they took me in. Taught me everything.
[He watches Sweets for a moment.]
Your world probably doesn't have Helljumpers, but where I'm from, it's a goddamn miracle if you make it past three drops without losing somebody. CT got us through fifty-six before it went wrong. He never left anybody behind and he never got civilians killed. He was my brother.
[Despite everything else, Lance smiles faintly at how Ephemera talks about CT; he can feel how much Ephemera cared about him, and he can imagine what kind of person CT might've been just from that short description.
Lance nods in understanding, but doesn't immediately respond as he decides exactly how he wants to ask his next question.]
[Ephemera's smile fades. CT died surrounded by strangers out in some desert, and he died because they were idiots and didn't watch his back like Ephemera would have.]
He's gone now.
[His family is dead and Washington is still here.]
[He means it, even though he has already presumed that was the case both by the past tense usage and what he knows of Ephemera's history with Washington.]
But being gone doesn't mean that what he taught you, or the type of person he was, has to go with him. You knew him well enough to know how he would feel about what's going on, right? What would he be telling you to do about the problems you're having here?
[Ephemera tightens his jaw, fighting back the urge to yell. Sweets is acting so goddamn reasonable about the whole thing, and it hurts. Talking about CT like this, when the rest of the squad was still alive. When they were family.]
We were supposed to avenge them. Our brothers and sisters. So they didn't die for nothing. I swore to him!
[Breathe. He hears it in CT's voice again. Breathe, soldier. In and out. Count for me, little brother. There you go. Just breathe.]
I made a promise and then he fucking died, and I wasn't there. I was supposed to die with them.
[Well, that angle didn't work as well as he'd hoped it might; it's good that Ephemera doesn't yell, because his reaction--both in body language and words--is enough to alarm Lance even though he tries not to show it. Sometimes people get upset during these sort of conversations, and he knows that, and it isn't necessarily anything to be worried about.
Of course, it's easier to remind himself of that when they haven't just been having an entire conversation about Ephemera getting into fights about pretty much this very issue, and it doesn't help that Lance is already tense about everything else going on, but he tries to continue to ignore all of that for the moment and regain control the situation.]
Dying wouldn't have accomplished anything. And you've already told me that vengeance, at least in the sense that you're looking for, is not really an option here.
[And that's all beside the other point--]
If you had only been continuing to fight with Washington, I'd be saying something very different to you than I have been.
[Ephemera puts a hand over his good eye, pressing down until colors bloom in his skull. Focus. Breathe. Don't let the moment spiral. You're not going to yell, you're not going to start a fight. Even if it hurts to talk about them, even if it feels like getting the news about CT all over again, you will hold.
Focus. Remember what you have now.]
CT wasn't right, after they died. I know that. I know that. But he was my brother. I promised. And now I have to let it go.
[Lance is still watching Ephemera cautiously, making note of his actions but not addressing them just yet; there's too much to go over at once here. Instead he responds to his question first--]
We've discussed that; you decide what's most important to you, and you act on it.
[But he doesn't want to let this get off track.]
However, again, that's the issue of Washington. What happened between you and Kyna is separate, and--aside from the subject of discussion--unrelated.
[They're distinct separate issues, even if Ephemera may not see that. The problem with Washington is one that's deep-seated and more complex, but the one regarding the fight with Kyna is much more worrying to Lance and he wants to deal with it first, both because of the nature of the problem and because he knows the problem with Washington is not one that can be resolved quickly.]
Ephemera takes a breath. Holds it. Counts on the exhale.
Focus. Stay in the moment.]
Yes. Fine.
[Things get jumbled sometimes and even if Sweets says they're not connected they are. Everything is tied together in this giant fucking knot and it won't come apart if he pulls, it only gets tighter and tighter. So he has to let go. Breathe. And sort out each piece one by one.]
[Okay, they're back on topic, but now Lance has to decide how he wants to proceed with it. At this point, although he typically prefers allowing people to reach a conclusion on their own, he doesn't think leading Ephemera though things is actually the most effective choice here, at least right now.
So he'll be more direct, which is unfortunately also more confrontational and usually more of a risk, but right now it's the best choice. This problem needs to be put to a stop as quickly as possible, especially with how fast everything escalated; who knows what could happen next time?
Lance is quiet a few seconds, taking a deep breath of his own, before deciding how to begin.]
I'm going to preface this by saying that I believe you genuinely want to do the right thing and improve. But I also can't and won't sugarcoat the issue, because I'm not going to encourage your behavior even to that extent.
[And with that stated he's all focus and intensity, making it very clear how seriously he means what he's about to say.]
I find it very concerning that not only are you willing to force someone into believing they need to act in self-defense, but then to use that as an excuse for harming them, all essentially for saying something you dislike. Beyond that, you kept offering justifications for your choices; despite that you've stated you regret what happened and that you know it's your fault, the way you describe your conflict with Kyna continually turned the blame on her and minimized your own actions. These are very distinct warning signs for a pattern of behavior that tends to escalate, not decrease.
[It's a pattern Lance is extremely sensitive to noticing, not just because of being a psychologist. The fact that he believes Ephemera want to change his behavior, at least on some level, is the only reason Lance is even attempting to deal with this issue with him as opposed to deciding to distance himself from it.]
[Ephemera didn't think much about himself when he was in prison, or after CT died. There hadn't been much of a point. It made things complicated when he needed that singular focus, the clarity of having a single task to complete. What he needed was to endure, get through each day focused on his goal. Sometimes he'd lose bits of time but he always came back when he needed to. What he did either got him closer to that goal or kept him alive so he could make another go at it. Sharkface hadn't been a person at all, but that name had been armor in its own way.
It kept him alive. Focused.
Then he came to Hadriel. Decided to let it go for a little while. Then to drop it entirely.
Sometimes, Ephemera wonders if he regrets that. There are moments where he does. Moments where he doesn't. He thinks about Drake and Lup, and what he has with them. Their friendship. If he keeps fucking up like this, he'll lose them. Maybe hurt them, too.
He doesn't want that. And beyond the revenge mission CT passed onto him, Ephemera hasn't wanted anything for himself for years.
So he'll try.
He watches Sweets quietly, running a hand through his hair. He can feel a headache coming on and his ribs hurt. Nothing about this moment is pleasant. But it is necessary, he thinks. So he'll hold.]
[That's a frustrating response, because it's too simple; he can't get anything about how Ephemera is actually reacting to all of that, other than that he isn't arguing. That itself is, at least, a relief, because Lance had been subconsciously bracing for a possible bad reaction, but that's about the only good thing about it.
But he can't tell if Ephemera really understands and agrees, or if he's just saying that to get the conversation over with, or if he's simply refraining from arguing, or anything else. There are a few 'normal' reactions that people usually give; anger, defensiveness, confusion, and horror at themselves are the most common, and every single one is lacking here.
Having little to work with makes this all even more difficult for him to figure out how to proceed, because Lance doesn't do this type of counseling; he doesn't work with people for whom this behavior is an issue, because it's not one he's able to maintain a proper professional distance from. Instead, pretty much everyone Lance deals with who's showing this pattern is something he's taking very quiet satisfaction in helping Booth put in jail, for whatever crime they've--unsurprisingly--committed. He's well aware he is not the best person to be working with Ephemera on this, for either of them.
But, again, he's also aware he's the only option, and stepping back and doing nothing is going to make things get worse. So, after a moment, he gives his own very simple response.]
Okay.
[He repeats it, not as a statement, but not exactly as a question either; he's just clearly expecting Ephemera to say more than that.]
[Back when they'd still been with the UNSC, CT had bribed or bullied one of the medics into handing over the psychiatric manual that the officers used to clear them for the field. Here are the questions you'll be answered, and this is how you're going to answer them. You're going to be polite and you're not going to be a little shit no matter what they say. And you are never, under any circumstance, to let anyone near the twins. Never to let anyone see them with their helmets off, never to let on that they'd stopped speaking entirely and only sent messages through their HUDs, filled with emojis and strange capitalization. If you let anyone see them, they'll know. And the twins would be gone, dragged off to some veterans hospital where they'd never see the light of day.
No. Ephemera had memorized those questions. He can still repeat the answers, if he focuses. But that's not the point here. He has to tell the truth. Even if he's not sure what the questions are.]
There's stuff I can fix and stuff maybe I can. That's on me to sort out.
[Once again, it's suddenly taking every ounce of mental strength that Lance has not to react in a way he shouldn't because that response makes him bristle on reflex. And, once again, it's much more about how Ephemera says it than what he actually says.]
I want you to say something that indicates you care that this is a problem, beyond how it affects you.
[Because he's seen several times now how Ephemera talks about the issues he really cares about, and it's not like this. This feels cavalier, as well as perhaps another attempt to avoid personal responsibility with the idea that it's only maybe something he can fix.]
[That wasn't one of the questions CT had them memorize. That means he has to come up with a real answer. Ephemera touches his knuckles to his mouth briefly, wishing he had a cigarette. Something to focus on. But his ribs are busted up and he's not allowed to smoke until they're healed. Drake would worry.]
I fuck up, it falls back on people around me.
[He flexes his hand briefly, feeling out the splint. The ache from his snapped fingers.]
[That is absolutely not the answer Lance is looking for, and not just in what he would've preferred to hear but at all; he almost tells Ephemera that he'd just done exactly the opposite of what he'd asked, because ultimately that answer is very much about how it affects Ephemera.
It takes a lot of effort, though, for Lance to keep that comment to himself, and between that and the now pounding headache he realizes that he's reached the point where he needs to stop. He understands his own limits and how far he can push them, and this is the boundary to still leave this entire meeting on a somewhat useful note.]
I'm going to ask you to think about your answer, and what the question was.
[He can say it calmly, because he's made a decision now to end the discussion and so some of the stress of it backs off.]
But for now, I with that and everything else, you have a lot to think about. You should also get some rest because broken ribs can lead to complications very quickly, especially here.
[He knows that from experience, even if he voided the worst of them while here himself. And all of that said, he gets to his feet, a clear indication--if what he said wasn't already--that the conversation is over with for now.]
[What the question was? Okay. He can think about that.
Ephemera nods uncertainly. He's missing something, he's fairly certain, but asking to get it spelled out feels risky. Other people do this, talking shit out, drawing useful conclusions, and sometimes it works when he talks with Drake. It seemed to do something - even if it was very small - when he spoke with Kyna last.]
Okay.
[He hesitates a moment, then waves his hand vaguely at Sweets. The sketch.]
Tell me. If I made mistakes. And I'll fix it.
[It seems to go better when he draws things for people. It means more.]
[He'd almost forgotten about the folded paper in his pocket, but he nods at Ephemera's words.]
I will.
[And with another nod, this time of farewell, he'll let himself out of the apartment. Now to take a short break and then get back to the Clinic, and see what else needs to be done.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 05:20 pm (UTC)[Because that might end up being helpful.]
no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 05:34 pm (UTC)He had this way with people, you know? He could talk to anyone. Kept things calm. Most offices don't give a shit if you die or not, but not him. He took care of us. Him and Chica, his sergeant, they were fucking unstoppable. I was some idiot rookie and they took me in. Taught me everything.
[He watches Sweets for a moment.]
Your world probably doesn't have Helljumpers, but where I'm from, it's a goddamn miracle if you make it past three drops without losing somebody. CT got us through fifty-six before it went wrong. He never left anybody behind and he never got civilians killed. He was my brother.
no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 05:40 pm (UTC)Lance nods in understanding, but doesn't immediately respond as he decides exactly how he wants to ask his next question.]
Was he the kind of person you would want to be?
no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 05:48 pm (UTC)[Ephemera's smile fades. CT died surrounded by strangers out in some desert, and he died because they were idiots and didn't watch his back like Ephemera would have.]
He's gone now.
[His family is dead and Washington is still here.]
no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 05:53 pm (UTC)[He means it, even though he has already presumed that was the case both by the past tense usage and what he knows of Ephemera's history with Washington.]
But being gone doesn't mean that what he taught you, or the type of person he was, has to go with him. You knew him well enough to know how he would feel about what's going on, right? What would he be telling you to do about the problems you're having here?
no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 06:05 pm (UTC)[Ephemera tightens his jaw, fighting back the urge to yell. Sweets is acting so goddamn reasonable about the whole thing, and it hurts. Talking about CT like this, when the rest of the squad was still alive. When they were family.]
We were supposed to avenge them. Our brothers and sisters. So they didn't die for nothing. I swore to him!
[Breathe. He hears it in CT's voice again. Breathe, soldier. In and out. Count for me, little brother. There you go. Just breathe.]
I made a promise and then he fucking died, and I wasn't there. I was supposed to die with them.
no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 06:14 pm (UTC)Of course, it's easier to remind himself of that when they haven't just been having an entire conversation about Ephemera getting into fights about pretty much this very issue, and it doesn't help that Lance is already tense about everything else going on, but he tries to continue to ignore all of that for the moment and regain control the situation.]
Dying wouldn't have accomplished anything. And you've already told me that vengeance, at least in the sense that you're looking for, is not really an option here.
[And that's all beside the other point--]
If you had only been continuing to fight with Washington, I'd be saying something very different to you than I have been.
no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 06:30 pm (UTC)Focus. Remember what you have now.]
CT wasn't right, after they died. I know that. I know that. But he was my brother. I promised. And now I have to let it go.
[He drops his hand.]
How the fuck do I do that?
no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 06:39 pm (UTC)We've discussed that; you decide what's most important to you, and you act on it.
[But he doesn't want to let this get off track.]
However, again, that's the issue of Washington. What happened between you and Kyna is separate, and--aside from the subject of discussion--unrelated.
[They're distinct separate issues, even if Ephemera may not see that. The problem with Washington is one that's deep-seated and more complex, but the one regarding the fight with Kyna is much more worrying to Lance and he wants to deal with it first, both because of the nature of the problem and because he knows the problem with Washington is not one that can be resolved quickly.]
no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 06:51 pm (UTC)Yeah. That.
Ephemera takes a breath. Holds it. Counts on the exhale.
Focus. Stay in the moment.]
Yes. Fine.
[Things get jumbled sometimes and even if Sweets says they're not connected they are. Everything is tied together in this giant fucking knot and it won't come apart if he pulls, it only gets tighter and tighter. So he has to let go. Breathe. And sort out each piece one by one.]
no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 07:09 pm (UTC)So he'll be more direct, which is unfortunately also more confrontational and usually more of a risk, but right now it's the best choice. This problem needs to be put to a stop as quickly as possible, especially with how fast everything escalated; who knows what could happen next time?
Lance is quiet a few seconds, taking a deep breath of his own, before deciding how to begin.]
I'm going to preface this by saying that I believe you genuinely want to do the right thing and improve. But I also can't and won't sugarcoat the issue, because I'm not going to encourage your behavior even to that extent.
[And with that stated he's all focus and intensity, making it very clear how seriously he means what he's about to say.]
I find it very concerning that not only are you willing to force someone into believing they need to act in self-defense, but then to use that as an excuse for harming them, all essentially for saying something you dislike. Beyond that, you kept offering justifications for your choices; despite that you've stated you regret what happened and that you know it's your fault, the way you describe your conflict with Kyna continually turned the blame on her and minimized your own actions. These are very distinct warning signs for a pattern of behavior that tends to escalate, not decrease.
[It's a pattern Lance is extremely sensitive to noticing, not just because of being a psychologist. The fact that he believes Ephemera want to change his behavior, at least on some level, is the only reason Lance is even attempting to deal with this issue with him as opposed to deciding to distance himself from it.]
no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 07:32 pm (UTC)It kept him alive. Focused.
Then he came to Hadriel. Decided to let it go for a little while. Then to drop it entirely.
Sometimes, Ephemera wonders if he regrets that. There are moments where he does. Moments where he doesn't. He thinks about Drake and Lup, and what he has with them. Their friendship. If he keeps fucking up like this, he'll lose them. Maybe hurt them, too.
He doesn't want that. And beyond the revenge mission CT passed onto him, Ephemera hasn't wanted anything for himself for years.
So he'll try.
He watches Sweets quietly, running a hand through his hair. He can feel a headache coming on and his ribs hurt. Nothing about this moment is pleasant. But it is necessary, he thinks. So he'll hold.]
Okay.
no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 07:46 pm (UTC)But he can't tell if Ephemera really understands and agrees, or if he's just saying that to get the conversation over with, or if he's simply refraining from arguing, or anything else. There are a few 'normal' reactions that people usually give; anger, defensiveness, confusion, and horror at themselves are the most common, and every single one is lacking here.
Having little to work with makes this all even more difficult for him to figure out how to proceed, because Lance doesn't do this type of counseling; he doesn't work with people for whom this behavior is an issue, because it's not one he's able to maintain a proper professional distance from. Instead, pretty much everyone Lance deals with who's showing this pattern is something he's taking very quiet satisfaction in helping Booth put in jail, for whatever crime they've--unsurprisingly--committed. He's well aware he is not the best person to be working with Ephemera on this, for either of them.
But, again, he's also aware he's the only option, and stepping back and doing nothing is going to make things get worse. So, after a moment, he gives his own very simple response.]
Okay.
[He repeats it, not as a statement, but not exactly as a question either; he's just clearly expecting Ephemera to say more than that.]
no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 08:06 pm (UTC)[Back when they'd still been with the UNSC, CT had bribed or bullied one of the medics into handing over the psychiatric manual that the officers used to clear them for the field. Here are the questions you'll be answered, and this is how you're going to answer them. You're going to be polite and you're not going to be a little shit no matter what they say. And you are never, under any circumstance, to let anyone near the twins. Never to let anyone see them with their helmets off, never to let on that they'd stopped speaking entirely and only sent messages through their HUDs, filled with emojis and strange capitalization. If you let anyone see them, they'll know. And the twins would be gone, dragged off to some veterans hospital where they'd never see the light of day.
No. Ephemera had memorized those questions. He can still repeat the answers, if he focuses. But that's not the point here. He has to tell the truth. Even if he's not sure what the questions are.]
There's stuff I can fix and stuff maybe I can. That's on me to sort out.
no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 08:17 pm (UTC)I want you to say something that indicates you care that this is a problem, beyond how it affects you.
[Because he's seen several times now how Ephemera talks about the issues he really cares about, and it's not like this. This feels cavalier, as well as perhaps another attempt to avoid personal responsibility with the idea that it's only maybe something he can fix.]
no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 08:29 pm (UTC)I fuck up, it falls back on people around me.
[He flexes his hand briefly, feeling out the splint. The ache from his snapped fingers.]
This? Hnn. Don't care. Care about them.
no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 08:41 pm (UTC)It takes a lot of effort, though, for Lance to keep that comment to himself, and between that and the now pounding headache he realizes that he's reached the point where he needs to stop. He understands his own limits and how far he can push them, and this is the boundary to still leave this entire meeting on a somewhat useful note.]
I'm going to ask you to think about your answer, and what the question was.
[He can say it calmly, because he's made a decision now to end the discussion and so some of the stress of it backs off.]
But for now, I with that and everything else, you have a lot to think about. You should also get some rest because broken ribs can lead to complications very quickly, especially here.
[He knows that from experience, even if he voided the worst of them while here himself. And all of that said, he gets to his feet, a clear indication--if what he said wasn't already--that the conversation is over with for now.]
no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 08:48 pm (UTC)Ephemera nods uncertainly. He's missing something, he's fairly certain, but asking to get it spelled out feels risky. Other people do this, talking shit out, drawing useful conclusions, and sometimes it works when he talks with Drake. It seemed to do something - even if it was very small - when he spoke with Kyna last.]
Okay.
[He hesitates a moment, then waves his hand vaguely at Sweets. The sketch.]
Tell me. If I made mistakes. And I'll fix it.
[It seems to go better when he draws things for people. It means more.]
no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 09:30 pm (UTC)I will.
[And with another nod, this time of farewell, he'll let himself out of the apartment. Now to take a short break and then get back to the Clinic, and see what else needs to be done.]