[Alright, better, but Lance doesn't like that he completely skipped it at first. Still, he'll just keep that in mind for the moment, and nods at Ephemera to go ahead and continue the story.]
[He really dislikes this, and he well aware of the fact that he's having enough trouble staying professional that it's getting to the point where he should consider stopping the conversation and trying again later. But he's not quite there yet, even if it takes him several seconds before he decides how to respond.
He doesn't want to directly point out any of the impressions he's gotten just yet, both because he's not entirely sure if he's being oversensitive to things and because if he isn't it's better to see if Ephemera can come to the conclusion on his own. So for now, he asks a question--]
[Ephemera hesitates. It's not the question he expected. What would he have felt?]
I don't know. Regret.
[There's only been one time where the people he targeted weren't the ones he intended to hurt, and that was--different. Not what Sweets is talking about.
I killed a lot of people. There was the war and then there was--hnn.
[He shrugs. Pushes the paints out of alignment. Pulls down the collar of his shirt just enough to show the tattoo there. Redemption printed out rough and blocky.]
Almost killed some kids, once. They had armor on and we had orders. Would've been justified. But CT, my captain, he said no. We're not gonna do that. Little brats still took all our rations.
[He's quiet for a moment. Lets go of his shirt.]
I almost killed those kids. 'cause their parents were on one side and we were on the other, and command said they had to go. I remember I was...tired, afterward.
Think it would've been like that, if I'd killed her.
[As horrifying as that story is, it's at least something that happened during a war and no one ended up killing the kids, so that's... Something.
He notes the tattoo, and the particular word choice, and takes a moment to gather his thoughts and press his fingers against his forehead in an attempt to keep his headache at bay. Finally, after another few seconds, he asks another question.]
There's a very important distinction between these two events, as you've described them, regarding your own actions. Do you know what it is?
[Most of the kids still died, but CT drew a line in the sand that day. Made it clear what was allowed and what wasn't. Where they stood, what they'd do together, who they were as a squad. And for a moment it had felt good, before command's response ripped the whole place to shreds.]
Well, yes, and that's very important, but it's not what I meant.
[Although he realizes he's probably being too vague and so this method of questioning might end up being frustrating instead of helpful, and so decides to go ahead and give the answer he was looking for.]
The decision whether or not to act was made by different people. In the event you described, your captain made the call; in the altercation with Kyna, you did.
He had this way with people, you know? He could talk to anyone. Kept things calm. Most offices don't give a shit if you die or not, but not him. He took care of us. Him and Chica, his sergeant, they were fucking unstoppable. I was some idiot rookie and they took me in. Taught me everything.
[He watches Sweets for a moment.]
Your world probably doesn't have Helljumpers, but where I'm from, it's a goddamn miracle if you make it past three drops without losing somebody. CT got us through fifty-six before it went wrong. He never left anybody behind and he never got civilians killed. He was my brother.
[Despite everything else, Lance smiles faintly at how Ephemera talks about CT; he can feel how much Ephemera cared about him, and he can imagine what kind of person CT might've been just from that short description.
Lance nods in understanding, but doesn't immediately respond as he decides exactly how he wants to ask his next question.]
[Ephemera's smile fades. CT died surrounded by strangers out in some desert, and he died because they were idiots and didn't watch his back like Ephemera would have.]
He's gone now.
[His family is dead and Washington is still here.]
[He means it, even though he has already presumed that was the case both by the past tense usage and what he knows of Ephemera's history with Washington.]
But being gone doesn't mean that what he taught you, or the type of person he was, has to go with him. You knew him well enough to know how he would feel about what's going on, right? What would he be telling you to do about the problems you're having here?
[Ephemera tightens his jaw, fighting back the urge to yell. Sweets is acting so goddamn reasonable about the whole thing, and it hurts. Talking about CT like this, when the rest of the squad was still alive. When they were family.]
We were supposed to avenge them. Our brothers and sisters. So they didn't die for nothing. I swore to him!
[Breathe. He hears it in CT's voice again. Breathe, soldier. In and out. Count for me, little brother. There you go. Just breathe.]
I made a promise and then he fucking died, and I wasn't there. I was supposed to die with them.
[Well, that angle didn't work as well as he'd hoped it might; it's good that Ephemera doesn't yell, because his reaction--both in body language and words--is enough to alarm Lance even though he tries not to show it. Sometimes people get upset during these sort of conversations, and he knows that, and it isn't necessarily anything to be worried about.
Of course, it's easier to remind himself of that when they haven't just been having an entire conversation about Ephemera getting into fights about pretty much this very issue, and it doesn't help that Lance is already tense about everything else going on, but he tries to continue to ignore all of that for the moment and regain control the situation.]
Dying wouldn't have accomplished anything. And you've already told me that vengeance, at least in the sense that you're looking for, is not really an option here.
[And that's all beside the other point--]
If you had only been continuing to fight with Washington, I'd be saying something very different to you than I have been.
[Ephemera puts a hand over his good eye, pressing down until colors bloom in his skull. Focus. Breathe. Don't let the moment spiral. You're not going to yell, you're not going to start a fight. Even if it hurts to talk about them, even if it feels like getting the news about CT all over again, you will hold.
Focus. Remember what you have now.]
CT wasn't right, after they died. I know that. I know that. But he was my brother. I promised. And now I have to let it go.
[Lance is still watching Ephemera cautiously, making note of his actions but not addressing them just yet; there's too much to go over at once here. Instead he responds to his question first--]
We've discussed that; you decide what's most important to you, and you act on it.
[But he doesn't want to let this get off track.]
However, again, that's the issue of Washington. What happened between you and Kyna is separate, and--aside from the subject of discussion--unrelated.
[They're distinct separate issues, even if Ephemera may not see that. The problem with Washington is one that's deep-seated and more complex, but the one regarding the fight with Kyna is much more worrying to Lance and he wants to deal with it first, both because of the nature of the problem and because he knows the problem with Washington is not one that can be resolved quickly.]
Ephemera takes a breath. Holds it. Counts on the exhale.
Focus. Stay in the moment.]
Yes. Fine.
[Things get jumbled sometimes and even if Sweets says they're not connected they are. Everything is tied together in this giant fucking knot and it won't come apart if he pulls, it only gets tighter and tighter. So he has to let go. Breathe. And sort out each piece one by one.]
[Okay, they're back on topic, but now Lance has to decide how he wants to proceed with it. At this point, although he typically prefers allowing people to reach a conclusion on their own, he doesn't think leading Ephemera though things is actually the most effective choice here, at least right now.
So he'll be more direct, which is unfortunately also more confrontational and usually more of a risk, but right now it's the best choice. This problem needs to be put to a stop as quickly as possible, especially with how fast everything escalated; who knows what could happen next time?
Lance is quiet a few seconds, taking a deep breath of his own, before deciding how to begin.]
I'm going to preface this by saying that I believe you genuinely want to do the right thing and improve. But I also can't and won't sugarcoat the issue, because I'm not going to encourage your behavior even to that extent.
[And with that stated he's all focus and intensity, making it very clear how seriously he means what he's about to say.]
I find it very concerning that not only are you willing to force someone into believing they need to act in self-defense, but then to use that as an excuse for harming them, all essentially for saying something you dislike. Beyond that, you kept offering justifications for your choices; despite that you've stated you regret what happened and that you know it's your fault, the way you describe your conflict with Kyna continually turned the blame on her and minimized your own actions. These are very distinct warning signs for a pattern of behavior that tends to escalate, not decrease.
[It's a pattern Lance is extremely sensitive to noticing, not just because of being a psychologist. The fact that he believes Ephemera want to change his behavior, at least on some level, is the only reason Lance is even attempting to deal with this issue with him as opposed to deciding to distance himself from it.]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2017-11-01 09:55 pm (UTC)[He knows this for sure because Ephemera already told him earlier, but not in this more detailed retelling.]
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Date: 2017-11-01 10:11 pm (UTC)[He did, didn't he? Ephemera thins his mouth. Is this what he's doing now? Forgetting things when it becomes convenient?
Suck it up. Do your job.]
I grabbed her. Was gonna throw her in the dumpster.
no subject
Date: 2017-11-01 10:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-11-01 10:35 pm (UTC)I got her in the ribs. She hit me with something when she went down, I don't know what it was.
[Magic. It doesn't matter. It hadn't slowed him down.]
Felt her ribs go, when I hit her. She was cursing her head off, but she could still breathe okay. Told her to go see a medic.
no subject
Date: 2017-11-01 10:48 pm (UTC)He doesn't want to directly point out any of the impressions he's gotten just yet, both because he's not entirely sure if he's being oversensitive to things and because if he isn't it's better to see if Ephemera can come to the conclusion on his own. So for now, he asks a question--]
What would you have done if she weren't okay?
no subject
Date: 2017-11-01 11:10 pm (UTC)[If she'd been that badly hurt, she probably couldn't have stopped him.
Ephemera twitches. Stares at the wall.]
If she died, I don't know.
no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 12:47 am (UTC)[Because that's really more what he's trying to get at.]
no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 01:00 am (UTC)I don't know. Regret.
[There's only been one time where the people he targeted weren't the ones he intended to hurt, and that was--different. Not what Sweets is talking about.
He's quiet for a moment. Then:]
Tired.
no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 01:18 am (UTC)Tired in what respect?
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Date: 2017-11-02 01:36 am (UTC)[He shrugs. Pushes the paints out of alignment. Pulls down the collar of his shirt just enough to show the tattoo there. Redemption printed out rough and blocky.]
Almost killed some kids, once. They had armor on and we had orders. Would've been justified. But CT, my captain, he said no. We're not gonna do that. Little brats still took all our rations.
[He's quiet for a moment. Lets go of his shirt.]
I almost killed those kids. 'cause their parents were on one side and we were on the other, and command said they had to go. I remember I was...tired, afterward.
Think it would've been like that, if I'd killed her.
no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 04:39 pm (UTC)He notes the tattoo, and the particular word choice, and takes a moment to gather his thoughts and press his fingers against his forehead in an attempt to keep his headache at bay. Finally, after another few seconds, he asks another question.]
There's a very important distinction between these two events, as you've described them, regarding your own actions. Do you know what it is?
no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 05:03 pm (UTC)[Most of the kids still died, but CT drew a line in the sand that day. Made it clear what was allowed and what wasn't. Where they stood, what they'd do together, who they were as a squad. And for a moment it had felt good, before command's response ripped the whole place to shreds.]
no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 05:09 pm (UTC)[Although he realizes he's probably being too vague and so this method of questioning might end up being frustrating instead of helpful, and so decides to go ahead and give the answer he was looking for.]
The decision whether or not to act was made by different people. In the event you described, your captain made the call; in the altercation with Kyna, you did.
no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 05:17 pm (UTC)[Ephemera hadn't thought of it that way. It seems obvious now that Sweets pointed it out.]
CT was a good captain.
no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 05:20 pm (UTC)[Because that might end up being helpful.]
no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 05:34 pm (UTC)He had this way with people, you know? He could talk to anyone. Kept things calm. Most offices don't give a shit if you die or not, but not him. He took care of us. Him and Chica, his sergeant, they were fucking unstoppable. I was some idiot rookie and they took me in. Taught me everything.
[He watches Sweets for a moment.]
Your world probably doesn't have Helljumpers, but where I'm from, it's a goddamn miracle if you make it past three drops without losing somebody. CT got us through fifty-six before it went wrong. He never left anybody behind and he never got civilians killed. He was my brother.
no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 05:40 pm (UTC)Lance nods in understanding, but doesn't immediately respond as he decides exactly how he wants to ask his next question.]
Was he the kind of person you would want to be?
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Date: 2017-11-02 05:48 pm (UTC)[Ephemera's smile fades. CT died surrounded by strangers out in some desert, and he died because they were idiots and didn't watch his back like Ephemera would have.]
He's gone now.
[His family is dead and Washington is still here.]
no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 05:53 pm (UTC)[He means it, even though he has already presumed that was the case both by the past tense usage and what he knows of Ephemera's history with Washington.]
But being gone doesn't mean that what he taught you, or the type of person he was, has to go with him. You knew him well enough to know how he would feel about what's going on, right? What would he be telling you to do about the problems you're having here?
no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 06:05 pm (UTC)[Ephemera tightens his jaw, fighting back the urge to yell. Sweets is acting so goddamn reasonable about the whole thing, and it hurts. Talking about CT like this, when the rest of the squad was still alive. When they were family.]
We were supposed to avenge them. Our brothers and sisters. So they didn't die for nothing. I swore to him!
[Breathe. He hears it in CT's voice again. Breathe, soldier. In and out. Count for me, little brother. There you go. Just breathe.]
I made a promise and then he fucking died, and I wasn't there. I was supposed to die with them.
no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 06:14 pm (UTC)Of course, it's easier to remind himself of that when they haven't just been having an entire conversation about Ephemera getting into fights about pretty much this very issue, and it doesn't help that Lance is already tense about everything else going on, but he tries to continue to ignore all of that for the moment and regain control the situation.]
Dying wouldn't have accomplished anything. And you've already told me that vengeance, at least in the sense that you're looking for, is not really an option here.
[And that's all beside the other point--]
If you had only been continuing to fight with Washington, I'd be saying something very different to you than I have been.
no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 06:30 pm (UTC)Focus. Remember what you have now.]
CT wasn't right, after they died. I know that. I know that. But he was my brother. I promised. And now I have to let it go.
[He drops his hand.]
How the fuck do I do that?
no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 06:39 pm (UTC)We've discussed that; you decide what's most important to you, and you act on it.
[But he doesn't want to let this get off track.]
However, again, that's the issue of Washington. What happened between you and Kyna is separate, and--aside from the subject of discussion--unrelated.
[They're distinct separate issues, even if Ephemera may not see that. The problem with Washington is one that's deep-seated and more complex, but the one regarding the fight with Kyna is much more worrying to Lance and he wants to deal with it first, both because of the nature of the problem and because he knows the problem with Washington is not one that can be resolved quickly.]
no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 06:51 pm (UTC)Yeah. That.
Ephemera takes a breath. Holds it. Counts on the exhale.
Focus. Stay in the moment.]
Yes. Fine.
[Things get jumbled sometimes and even if Sweets says they're not connected they are. Everything is tied together in this giant fucking knot and it won't come apart if he pulls, it only gets tighter and tighter. So he has to let go. Breathe. And sort out each piece one by one.]
no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 07:09 pm (UTC)So he'll be more direct, which is unfortunately also more confrontational and usually more of a risk, but right now it's the best choice. This problem needs to be put to a stop as quickly as possible, especially with how fast everything escalated; who knows what could happen next time?
Lance is quiet a few seconds, taking a deep breath of his own, before deciding how to begin.]
I'm going to preface this by saying that I believe you genuinely want to do the right thing and improve. But I also can't and won't sugarcoat the issue, because I'm not going to encourage your behavior even to that extent.
[And with that stated he's all focus and intensity, making it very clear how seriously he means what he's about to say.]
I find it very concerning that not only are you willing to force someone into believing they need to act in self-defense, but then to use that as an excuse for harming them, all essentially for saying something you dislike. Beyond that, you kept offering justifications for your choices; despite that you've stated you regret what happened and that you know it's your fault, the way you describe your conflict with Kyna continually turned the blame on her and minimized your own actions. These are very distinct warning signs for a pattern of behavior that tends to escalate, not decrease.
[It's a pattern Lance is extremely sensitive to noticing, not just because of being a psychologist. The fact that he believes Ephemera want to change his behavior, at least on some level, is the only reason Lance is even attempting to deal with this issue with him as opposed to deciding to distance himself from it.]
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