lifetothefullest | [IC Inbox]

There are always rules.

[Maketh shrugs. She decides to tell the truth.]

I don't know. On Lothal I would have been shot. Or beaten and stripped of my rank if they decided I should live.

[It's all said very matter-of-factly.]

I don't know the rules here.

So you're most concerned with the consequences to yourself.

[He says it neutrally, but coming from him it's pretty clear that the neutrality is interchangeable with coldness.]

I'm not going to retaliate, if that's what you wanted to find out.

Only you, Henry, and Hux are fully aware of what I did. None of you gain anything from informing Hadriel and destabilizing the Guard.

[She tips her head to the side.]

Why not?

[That's not the point he was trying to get across, but he refrains from rolling his eyes although it takes a few seconds of thought before he replies to her question. Not because he doesn't know the answer, but because he isn't sure how much he wants to say; the explanations that are closest to the truth and keep coming to mind are far too personal.

Still, he figures out a way to say it that is somewhat removed and also based in logic; maybe she'll understand that.]

Because there is absolutely nothing beneficial that would come out of doing so.

And what beneficial outcome will you gain from this?

[There must be one, or he would have cut her loose entirely. Dead weight gets dropped. Maketh has already proven herself a liability. Surely that must be true in his world as well.]

'This' being what?

[There are a few ways to interpret what she said, and he wants to be clear on what she meant.]

This moment. Speaking with me at all.

[He'd be well within his rights to refuse and cut all contact with her. Maketh isn't sure why he hasn't.]

I'd hoped you might've had a chance to reflect upon your actions and choices, and come to some conclusions or decisions.

[How someone reacts to their mistakes is an incredibly important indicator of their outlook, personality, and mental state. But she mostly just seems concerned with consequences so far.]

Oh.

[Maketh hasn't really. She failed and that must be accounted for. Later, when she's not so exhausted, then there will be reflection.

Maybe. It's new. Difficult, too. She's used to burying things when they're no longer immediately relevant.]

I made Henry worry.

[She frowns.]

I do that a lot.

But worrying him is not enough to stop you from doing whatever it is you'd like to do.

[Considering what she said about drinking in the Orchard, and that she'd very purposefully not informed Henry of her plans regarding Sato, it seems like a statement he can make definitively.]

No.

[Maketh tips her her head back.]

He's a good person. I'm likely a psychopath. He shouldn't have to do those things.

Alright, first of all, there are exactly three people here qualified to make that diagnosis, and you're not one of them. Neither is Will.

[Just starting off there, and sure, maybe there's someone else around with the necessary knowledge and training to diagnose mental illness but he's pretty certain it's limited to himself and the two psychiatrists.]

And while you do fit some of the qualifications, those that are applicable can be caused by other factors. I'm also confident in stating that you exhibit certain characteristics that would essentially disqualify a diagnosis of psychopathy, sociopathy, or antisocial personality disorder; whichever you'd like to call it.

[That said--]

So you can't use that as an excuse for your actions, and so you're going to have to take responsibility for them.

[Maketh doesn't know what any of those things are. Maybe she could look them up if her data pad still worked. But he disagrees with Will's assessment.

Curious.

She watches him for a long moment, confused.]

I am not excusing my actions. They were my own.

Then do something to change them, instead of repeating them the very next time that it's the easiest thing to do.

[He crosses his arms in frustration as he speaks, although his tone remains mostly even.]

Have you learned anything, from any of what happened a few days ago?

Like what?

[It's a genuine question. Her protocols are flawed. She doesn't know how to correct them.

Maketh shrugs. It's hard to feel much of anything right now. She can hear the tension in Lance's voice, the way his shoulders are beginning to bunch up. Clearly she's not saying the right things or saying them in the right way.]

I don't know what you want me to say.

[God who may or may not exist, give him strength. At least enough strength to keep his temper under control, which is not something he typically struggles with, but he's had a very hard last few weeks. Or more like six weeks, really.

Finally, he manages to come up with something relatively professional, unlike most of the things that are coming to mind at the moment.]

Is there anything you would've done differently, looking back on the situation now?

[That's a strange thing to ask. She already acted. There's no point in looking back and wondering what-if.

But he asked. Maketh shrugs again.]

Talked with Henry first.

[It doesn't matter. She disappointed him again.]

[Well, that's something, at least.]

Why?

[Maketh doesn't say anything for a long moment. Then:]

His choices are better.

So you trust his judgement?

[He's not saying that's a bad thing by any means--he doesn't know Henry well, but he seems sensible enough--but he wants to confirm that's the conclusion.]

Always.

[There's no hesitation, no question at all.]

Good.

[Because she needs someone to be a metric to base what's appropriate and what isn't.

However...]

But you knew this all already, before this happened; you knew he wouldn't approve, and therefore that it was not the right course of action. That's why you didn't call him to begin with.

[So why should anyone believe she'll actually go to Henry next time? It's not like she was unaware of her actions being wrong.]

I thought it was necessary.

[Regardless of whether Henry would allow it, something had needed to be done.]

I am capable of making those choices. To Henry they are dishonorable. To most people they are dishonorable. I would rather do these things then put them on him.

[It's making his skin crawl a bit listening to this and that isn't helping him stay as calm as he wants to be, so his tone begins to edge into snappish as he response.]

And so although you trust his judgement, in that what you were planning to do was both wrong and not the best course of action, you still decided to go through with it. Why should I--or anyone else--believe you won't do the same thing next time?

[And, by extension, that she's learned anything from this experience.]

I didn't think it was the wrong course of action.

[Not at the time, at least.]

A statement had to be made. A statement will still be made, though not by me. My judgement was compromised.

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