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[lifetothefullest]

@lance.sweets | ■ ▲ ◌ ▼

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[notathreat]

Okay, just trying to keep busy enough not to think about shit too much, feeling like I'm spinning my fucking wheels

[Possibly the most honest assessment she's given anyone.]

Someone tell you to fuck off for caring too much?

[lifetothefullest]

Spinning your wheels in what way? With just keeping busy to stay busy, or something else?

[Something else like 'not dealing with feelings'?

And her question doesn't quite make him smile, but he does appreciate her choice of words.]

That's a little too nice of a way to put what happened.

[He won't get into details over the network, but he can say that much at least.]

[notathreat]

That and wondering how to make anything fucking happen, really
I still want to get up to the moon and ask Jimothy some questions because fuck playing two way radio
And apparently there are for sure confirmed gods now
That and the newcomers talking about knifing each other and/or flirting, real comforting

[Look, it's a safe assumption with Lance in general, and by the way he keeps instantly deflecting to her well-being she gets the feeling that whatever happened isn't Great.]

You wanna go for a walk?

[lifetothefullest]

Yeah. We've gotten a lot thrown at us and it still kind of feels like we're just stuck waiting, which sucks.

[So he definitely gets that. And he appreciates both that she can read between the lines and that she cares to do so, and so while he's not feeling particularly social at the moment--]

Sure. I can meet you near where we met last time?

[notathreat]

It does.

Yeah, I can be there quick enough.

[She's only half put it together, but if they're going to get into it, it's best to be face to face, and Ellie's never been as open on the network as she is in person.

It's getting dark, meaning plenty of people are on the street, but Ellie's grown much more comfortable with that, and with her ability to keep the both of them safe if she has to. Lance will find her on a vine-covered bench, her hands in her pockets and a faraway look in her eyes before she focuses on him. Her hair's a little neater now, tied back.]

[lifetothefullest]

See you soon, then.

[Being later in the day is nice if just for the heat starting to go down a little; he's not a fan of it, and not a fan of having to dress lighter for it. Although he's still technically wearing layers--an open button-up over a teeshirt--that wouldn't really do anything to hide the glow if he used his power or the empathy bond, which is something he dislikes. It's one more thing to have to worry about.

But it is what it is, and he's already accepted it as necessary so as to not die of heatstroke or something. At least he's been able to keep his light up shoes, and they look cooler in the dimmer light, so there's that.

When he finds her sitting on the bench he greets her with a small wave and a weak attempt at a smile, noticing the look in her eyes--not a huge surprise with what they've all been through--and her neater hair--a good sign, that she's bothering with a little thing like that--but commenting on neither just yet.]

Hey.

[notathreat]

[Ellie comes back to herself before he talks, flashing him a small smile. It's not quite weak, but she picks out the hesitancy in Lance's smile, too. He's looking even more on edge than he did after his death, and for a second her eyes sharpen- hard, protective, before she lets it go.]

I can see you coming a mile away with those shoes.

[She gets to her feet, tilting her head. There's a park nearby, not as populated as the street, and cooler by the river even if there's more bugs.]

[lifetothefullest]

[He watches her expression, something that's automatic by now, but he's so drained at this point that he's not entirely sure how to interpret anything and so he just make mental note.

But as for her remark about his beloved shoes--]

Saves me having to yell to get someone's attention at a distance.

[As though he ever yells even for that reason, but whatever. It's something easy and casual to say as he starts in the direction she's indicated.

He lets silence fall briefly, as they make their way to somewhere less populated and where they're less likely to be overheard, though he still keeps his voice quiet when he does speak up.]

You saw the talk about the safehouse, right?

[Considering the question she'd asked him and all.]

[notathreat]

[Ellie smiles back about the shoe comment; she's obviously giving him shit. She puts her hands in her pockets as they walk together, falling into companionable silence.

It's good to see him, even if things suck.]

Sure did. Both the newcomers freaking out about it and El showing up. Did we finally have somebody get hurt?

[lifetothefullest]

No, thankfully.

[That would be one of those worst-case scenarios, which he's worried about, but thankfully not the problem this time. It might be simpler to deal with if it was, though.

As it is, he hesitates, not sure suddenly what he wants to say. It feels... Wrong, for some reason, like he's causing problems by doing so. But he's also aware that's ridiculous, he has absolutely no reason to avoid telling her--not like Ellie's going to fly off the handle or something and make things worse, or any other real concern that would warrant otherwise--and so after a moment he does continue even if he's not looking at her as he does so.]

But Gaby did message me to tell me that if I keep causing problems for Morningstar she'll cut off all the Displaced.

[But, to be fair--]

As far as I know the threat's hollow; Stephen said that El has no intention of doing something like that.

[notathreat]

[Ellie's reaction is immediate, somewhere between disbelief and anger, and she just- mutters a curse, reaching up to cover her face with both hands, drag her palms down her cheeks with a loud groan.]

What the fuck lead to that? 'Cause unless I'm missing something serious, that's a hell of a leap-

[She might be somewhat biased by being Lance's friend, and having been one of the people unhappy with the safehouse setup, but she's sure she's not that biased.]

[lifetothefullest]

[He watches her reaction in quick glances, chewing on his lip a moment before he catches himself doing it. As for the question he hesitates, because yes and no, and as much as he appreciates her being instantly on his side about this he also doesn't want it to be because he's misleading her intentionally or otherwise.]

I mean, she didn't like me before when I asked questions on the network or talked about this issue previously, and then I don't think I told you about what happened when I tried to take one of the new arrivals for a walk just before the Aerie happened. But those weren't like... We didn't like each other, but it was personal between us, not some sort of threat to Morningstar as a whole. I didn't say anything about them to the new arrivals this time; there weren't any private conversations or anything else that you might've missed since we got back from the Aerie.

[And sure, the new arrivals upset about their situation could easily figure out that Morningstar's involved, but they didn't need Lance for that by any means. It's all obvious, public information amongst the Displaced.]

[notathreat]

[Ellie forces out a long, frustrated sigh, trying to let her temper cool down. She doesn't know Gaby, has only seen her through this lens, but it's a highly fucking unflattering one.]

Okay, so... what happened when you tried to take one of the new arrivals for a walk?

[The better to have all the information, even if most of her has already made up her mind about how fucked this is. She can't help it.]

[lifetothefullest]

She pulled my access to the safehouse door, which meant I was locked in until she was done lecturing me. Then she gave it back long enough for me to leave.

[Kind of an abbreviated and slightly bitter summary of events, but accurate enough that he doesn't feel like he's misrepresenting it.]

[notathreat]

[Just hearing it makes her hackles rise, and Ellie presses her teeth together, her fingers fisting hard in her pockets. She can imagine that Lance handled the situation better than Ellie ever would have, and it's more than infuriating. It's the type of shit that terrifies her; being trapped and unable to leave. Knowing that Gaby could do that to any one of them at any point, and they'd have no recourse, especially when she was willing to threaten to pull her help from the other Displaced when one of them misbehaved, is not a comforting prospect.

It's a huge power imbalance, one all too easily abused, and Ellie is highly familiar with systems like it.]

I'm glad she got pulled.

[Ellie's voice simmers with anger, and it's not a good, wholesome sort of anger.]

[lifetothefullest]

[Lance had, of course, already been opposed to the way the safehouse was run before this happened, because of the reasons he'd tried to explain recently; he's worried about the stress it puts on new arrivals, and about the ethical issue of deciding any of them have the right to hold someone against their will even for 'their own good'. Those issues on their own would've been enough to prompt the latest discussion.

But in the background had also been this particular incident. There had been the sickening twist of fear that he'd felt the moment he realized the door wouldn't open, before he'd been able to remind himself that there was no danger of being truly stuck there because he had people he could contact, and it would be okay. There was the realization that maybe the Displaced weren't actually able to make their own choices about their own people after all. There was the very overt demonstration of being willing to hold not just a new arrival--who at the very least there's that whole argument about the reasons for--but an established Displaced against their will, and he wonders what would've happened if he'd refused to agree to just leave quietly.

All of that had been a part of why he'd decided to approach the issue so publicly in the way he had just recently, because then if there was retaliation everyone would know why. He hadn't really thought it would be something so drastic, but just in case, that had been part of the plan.

It's validating that Ellie is angry on his behalf, and clearly finds this as unacceptable as he does, but he's concerned about what's below it. For now, bringing the emotion down is probably the best choice, so he responds softly and with a calm he doesn't really feel.]

So am I. It's likely only temporary, but hopefully this is all worked out before she returns. I'm going to talk to El.

[Which is an utterly terrifying thought, but he's trying to trust Quentin's assessment that it'll be alright.]

[notathreat]

[Lance speaks quietly, calmly, but Ellie doesn't buy that for a second. She pulls back on her anger, pressing it down into a simmering coal, swallows it back. Ellie carries a lot of types of anger, some explosive and fleeting, some long-remembered and long-tended, multidimensional.]

I won't trust Morningstar for shit if they put her in charge of us again.

[It's a blunt statement, but one Ellie has no compunctions about saying. It's not just about what she did, it's about who she did it to.]

El's easier to work with.

[lifetothefullest]

I've heard El is a lot better, yeah.

[But Lance has never spoken to El, since he's afraid of what Gaby might've said about him, and about the possibility of El being automatically against him because of it. Although Quentin's convinced him to give it a try, and Stephen's assured him that El won't go through with Gaby's threat, Lance is still very nervous about it; hearing Ellie also speak favorably, if even just a little, is also encouraging.

But as for her first comment, he crosses his arms loosely and sighs.]

I think that's more a Displaced decision, and I doubt enough people will agree that they don't want her back.

[notathreat]

[Ellie nods; especially since El recognized that Gaby needed to step away. She looks up at Lance again as they walk, the corner of her mouth twisting, eyebrows lifting as she gives a gusty sigh.]

Seems like she has enough friends, yeah.

Unless she's been pulling this shit on the down-low with other people and they just haven't been talking.

[Which is a depressing but realistic prospect.]

[lifetothefullest]

[Definitely depressing, and definitely all too realistic.]

I hope that if that is the case, they might know that they can talk to me.

[Another side benefit to having been so public about his opinions. He'd done it primarily in hopes of giving the new arrivals the confidence of knowing an established Displaced was on their side, and therefore encourage them to be able to speak up, but if there are other people who have been having problems and are unsure if someone might help them then maybe they'll know otherwise now. He hopes, though, that there's no one else.]

The sense I've gotten here is that people are generally kept in line through simple social pressure. But when that doesn't work, no one's actually prepared and so they make snap decisions.

[He doesn't say Gaby specifically here because he does mean it in general; it's a pattern he's noticed from several people at this point. It's also a pattern that can be very dangerous.]

[notathreat]

[It's something else that Ellie never considered. Even in Jackson she hadn't gone to others with her problems. She'd self-governed and self-parented, much as Maria and Joel and Tommy had tried where they could.

She was just too used to solving her problems by herself, used to not being believed or having anyone on her side, no matter how much she asked for help. Now, it was so ingrained, she clung to that security. If she only relied on herself, no one could let her down.

It had never even occurred to her to ask anyone's help, after what happened with Callisto.

Ellie presses her fingernails into the palms of her hands; Lance thought of that. To protect other people. Even if it made him a target.]

Smart.

[The word's almost a whisper, but she means it.]

I mean- it can. But there's a lot of people who keep their mouths shut and stay out of things, and that doesn't mean they don't have an opinion.

[Joel, for instance.]

[lifetothefullest]

[She's clearly thinking something over, and something related to the first part of what he said. It isn't too difficult to take a guess from what he does know about her, from how guarded and cautious she was when they first met and how much so she still is, and how independent she seems. It's easy to recognize not just because he's a psychologist, but because he knows what it's like; he's had the opportunity and help he needed to move past it, but even then he often finds himself right back in that mindset all the same.

Directly calling her out on it probably wouldn't be helpful, and so he doesn't; instead, he'll hope that she also knows she can talk to him if she needs help, not just about this situation but any other.]

Yeah, I'm sure there are, especially if they're just not interested in getting all the backlash. But it's difficult to get a sense of who they are and how many there might be, and if they're staying out of things then as far as the people in power are concerned, it's all the same to them.

[They aren't being challenged, and that's what matters to them.]

[notathreat]

[Ellie gives a nod, a muscle working in her jaw. She's quiet for a time as they walk, thinking it over. Comparing and contrasting this to what she's seen, trying to ignore how many times she's seen it go horribly wrong. More than once, she starts to say something, then lets it drop before the words fully form.

They walk along the riverbank, and as they get closer, the power comes back on in one of the structurally damaged buildings nearby. They can hear distant cheering. Ellie turns toward it, then reaches up to brush her hair back out of her face, where it's coming loose from the tie. Futile effort.]

Hey, Lance?

Why'd you decide on your job?

[lifetothefullest]

[He can tell she's thinking about saying something and doesn't mind giving her the time to do so, taking the opportunity to give himself time to try to relax a little; a lot has happened in a short span of time and he's both tense and exhausted, and has to remember to ground himself.

The lights turning on in a nearby building and the sound of people celebrating helps in that, and he also glances that direction; the cheering is nice to hear, something positive in the midst of everything going on, and he can't help but smile just the smallest amount. Not everything's so bad right now after all.

When Ellie does speak, the question isn't really one he's expecting. It also isn't one he has an easy answer to, though that's not actually true; he has an easy answer to his primary job, the real one, but that's not the one she knows about. And so he can either explain around it, or he can tell her the truth, and at this point he decides to do the latter.]

I became an FBI agent kind of by accident. I was in the field a lot with my coworker, Booth, and I didn't want him to have to protect me, so I decided to become an agent both so that I'd be able to take care of myself and so that I could look out for him in return.

[And, because the obvious question is there--]

Criminal profilers are often agents, but not always, and I kind of ended up in that job by accident too. I'm primarily a psychologist, and that's the job I actually chose, because I wanted to help people.

[It's a really simple answer when it comes down to it. There is, of course, much more to the decision, to why he'd felt so driven to help people, and why he'd felt it in this particular way instead of becoming a medical doctor or something, but those aren't things he typically shares and they aren't necessary to answer the question.]

[notathreat]

[Ellie listens, a flicker of a smile lingering on her face, too, as she takes a seat near the river. The ground's damp from the near-constant rain, but not enough to soak her clothes or anything. The river doesn't smell like the ones back home, but with all the greenery and wildlife, it's much closer now.

She listens to Lance, drawing up one leg to rest her forearm across it, watching Lance's face -- she remembers Booth from Lance's dream, all too well.

It's not actually that surprising to hear that Lance is a psychologist. She's never actually met one, not really. They seemed mythical, like something out of stories. People who were paid to listen to other people's problems. No wonder he's so used to taking them on.]

What made you wanna help people, do you think?