[IC Inbox | Meadowlark]

[lifetothefullest]

@lance.sweets | ■ ▲ ◌ ▼

Comments

[lifetothefullest]

[This is not exactly a message he's expecting to receive, but it isn't necessarily an unwelcome one either. The more people who return the better, even if the method is one he wishes they weren't having to go through.]

I'd be inclined to say 'one', if it's one you remember.

[And not, you know, the natural one that's supposed to happen to everyone. Remembering your death, even once, is too much as far as he's concerned.]

[realists]

That's unfortunate

[lifetothefullest]

I thought it might be.

[They've talked about this before, of course, so he knows the count is at least two for her; maybe three, now?

And just like in that conversation, he feels like he should ask directly--]

Do you want to talk about it?

[Considering that she messaged him, he's guessing the answer may be yes this time.]

[realists]

I don't know

I'm not good at talking

[ this is the girl of "i need someone to stab" fame ]

[lifetothefullest]

You don't have to be. It's not about being good at talking, just about talking itself.

[realists]

I don't know where to start

[lifetothefullest]

It's usually easiest to start with whatever feels the most pressing to you. Whatever it is that you think about most, or that stays with you in some sense.

[realists]

No, that won't work, it's Cassian.

[ jyn can't conceive that cassian, currently still in the aerie, is a topic worth delving into because he's lovely and wonderful and perfect. ]

[lifetothefullest]

[Lance, unfortunately, doesn't have enough context for this to be able to figure out what the issue is here, so he has to ask--]

What do you mean?

[realists]

Cassian is what I think about the most. Who, I guess, he's not a thing, he's my boyfriend. Husband. But that's not

[ hmm ]

He was there, the first time. And the second.

[lifetothefullest]

[Ah. That makes sense, and her description--and how she changes the terms--is cute, and says a lot in itself. He's about to clarify that he'd meant that she could start with what's most pressing about the topic at hand, rather than in general, but then she adds that last part and oh, perhaps there's some connection there.]

Do you want to talk about what happened? Either or both of those times?

[realists]

[ no

and yet ]

We're not from this galaxy and ours was at war, one they weren't ready to admit they were fighting. There was a weapon that could destroy planets. We were on the planet.

[lifetothefullest]

[That's... A much larger scale than he'd been quite expecting. What would a death like that even be like? How would someone process it?]

I'm sorry. I can't imagine what that was like.

[And he won't ask directly, but the opening is there if she wants to take it.]

[realists]

The planet was beautiful. It looked almost like a sunset, maybe a sunrise. It was peaceful at the end.

[lifetothefullest]

That isn't what I would've expected, but I'm glad to hear it. That it was peaceful, at least in some way.

[Not that it makes coming to terms with things easier, but the less horrible the actual experience, the better.]

[realists]

Dying isn't exactly hard. It's the getting to that point that sucks.

[lifetothefullest]

Did you know it was going to happen?

[realists]

I knew I wasn't going to make it off that planet.

We took every chance we had and then they ran out.

[lifetothefullest]

How long did you have to prepare?

[realists]

[ she thinks about it for a while; was it when the shield gate closed, was it when bodhi and baze and chirrut and melshi and tonc stopped answering comms, was it when k2 sealed them into the vault? no, jyn knows it was when cassian crumpled at the bottom of the tower, seemingly dead. friends and compatriots fallen like dominoes and only jyn left to make sure it wasn't for nothing.

she knew when her fingers itched to let go and follow cassian that this planet would be her grave too. ]

I'm not sure.

We didn't go there wanting to die, it was a suicide mission without that intent.

When I was alone I figured out I didn't have long left. The man that murdered my parents was there and I was the last one who could ruin his plans. Cassian shot him before he could kill me too and then there was nothing left for us to do.

The fleet was fighting above us, the Death Star had already fired, there wasn't time for a rescue so we sat on the beach and waited.

Couldn't have been that long. The weapon was effective.

[lifetothefullest]

[It seems like there might be multiple issues here, coming together all at once; it's not just the issue of impending death, both for her and someone she cares about, but there's that mention of the person who killed her parents. Maybe she's already dealt with that, but maybe not and maybe it just get wrapped up in all the rest of the situation.

It's not the matter at hand, though, and he won't ask specifically about it just yet. One thing at a time, especially with as massive a thing to have to deal with as dying is.]

What is it that stays with you, about the experience? What is it that you feel when you think about it?

[In his experience, from talking to other people who have been through something like this, it's different for everyone what it is that they have to struggle with. Often it's more than one issue, but there will still usually be one thing that stands out the most and that tends to be a good place to start trying to sort it all out.]

[realists]

Annoyed

It was peaceful at the end, you know? Then I woke up here.

[ which is less than peaceful ]

[lifetothefullest]

[That's not exactly the sentiment he's expecting, but it's also kind of a relatable one. It's certainly not the same situation with him, but he definitely understands the feeling of thinking you've done what you've been working to accomplish, and it's going to be over, and then it... Isn't.

So he has to ask--]

Is the issue less the experience of dying itself, and more that you have to deal with everything that's come after?

[realists]

It's not like I want to be dead

[ but lance nailed it ]

[lifetothefullest]

[Considering what he asked, that she doesn't refute it is pretty much confirmation, at least enough so to go with it for now.]

Of course not, but I can't imagine that if you'd made peace with it on some level and then found yourself here, dealing with all of this, that's it exactly easy to enjoy the extra time.