[It is indeed obvious, but Ephemera is right in that Lance allows it for now; he expects they'll get to the topic in a bit, so it's okay if it isn't right away.]
Sugar would be great, thank you.
[He follows Ephemera toward the kitchen, allowing himself to be temporarily distracted by coffee.]
[Coffee goes in the mugs, sugar goes in the coffee. Ephemera never took much comfort in routines, but this gives him something to do. Time to collect his thoughts and figure out what the hell he's supposed to say.
He hands Sweets the mug.]
Haven't got anything else.
[No cream or anything. That stuff doesn't keep.
He holds his mug for a moment. Exhales.]
Right. The Null got in my head and that was fucked up, but my implants have been bad for a while. So.
[He touches his knuckles to his mouth briefly, not looking Sweets in the eyes.]
I'm having seizures. Need to know if they're fucking with my head.
[He exhales sharply.]
You saw what it was like. I can't make bad calls in the field. So how do I tell?
[Lance takes the mug carefully, nodding in understanding at the comment about there being nothing else to put in it--he's so not going to complain--and settles back against the counter while Ephemera talks.
The issue is... Not exactly what he was expecting, but then again he's not sure what he was expecting to begin with. So Lance considers that a few moments, tapping his fingers idly against the side of the mug.]
I'm going to state again, just to be completely clear, that I'm not a medical doctor. Psychologists don't have medical training, other than some very basics about parts of the brain and the effects of brain chemistry, therefore I can't guarantee anything I tell you is going to be completely accurate.
[And that established--]
Seizures very rarely have any sort of personality-affecting complications, aside from confusion and disorientation, unless they're causing damage. So if you're concerned that they're going to alter your decision-making, then potentially yes, but not in terms of changing your underlying personality. It's more likely that, if one occurs during or near the time of making a decision, that decision will be more difficult and you may not consider information and potential consequences to the full extent.
[But as for telling, that's more difficult.]
I don't know how you would be able to know for certain when you're affected and when you aren't, other than that mental effects of a seizure usually occur around it; some come on before, but most are lingering after, for several hours. It would be better to consult an actual doctor or a healer for more information about that.
[No one ever sat down and explained this shit when Ephemera got out of the hospital. He probably had his first seizure in prison and that was that. That time is fuzzy in his mind. Time bleeds together. He's lost days more than once. Woke up on the ground once with blood in his mouth.
Fun times. Nobody needs to know about that.
Ephemera hums to himself, holding the mug tight. Focusing on the the texture, the warmth in his hands. Stay in the moment.]
Don't know the doctors. I know you.
[He twitches. Then:]
Saw a sergeant die once, 'cause her implants got fucked up. Basic training. She seized real bad. Couldn't get her armor off in time. I need my armor, Doc.
[He's desperately afraid that one day his implants will get so bad he won't be able to wear it. That's worse than dying, not being able to fight.]
[Lance understands not wanting to deal with people he doesn't know; it's been a big issue for him in his time here, too afraid to trust any of the healers until only recently, and even then only allowing certain things on certain terms and generally not telling anyone much of anything.
So he gets why Ephemera would want to talk to him, but he shakes his head all the same, setting his coffee on the counter as his stomach lurches a bit while listening to the story. It's a horrific thought, and it's not something Lance can really help with, no matter how much he wants to.]
Then your implant needs to be either fixed or removed, whichever option is more viable. But you do need to let someone at least assess the severity of the seizures, and determine if they're truly being caused by the implant or are their own issue that the implant worsens. It's also worth making sure there's no serious damage already done.
[Ephemera looks away. There''s a childish part of him that just wants to dig his heels in and say no, I'm not doing that. It's not happening. And fuck if it isn't tempting. He's survived this long by sucking it up. Why can't he just soldier on?
No. Stop that. CT wouldn't want that. CT would have kicked his ass for letting it get this bad.]
It depends on the severity, the cause, the frequency, and a lot of other factors for whether any brain damage occurs during a seizure. Often there's no serious or permanent damage, but it's still important to verify that.
[He doesn't want to worry Ephemera about it, but it's also not a possibility that should be ignored.]
[He didn't know any of that. The former corpsman back on the Tartarus had only speculated on what was happening. That fucker had been in for stealing morphine. Ephemera can't remember his name. Doesn't matter. Guy probably got killed when Locus and Felix rolled in.
Focus. That's in the past. This is right now.]
Guess I didn't want to know. Not really.
[He huffs. Drinks some of his coffee.]
Started when I got locked up. Survived that so I figured it was fine. But now I'm here.
I understand not wanting to worry your friends, but ignoring the problem only delays the worry, especially if it turns out to be something treatable that's made worse by waiting.
[He remembers when Booth had his brain tumor, and how they'd all missed what signs Booth had told them about, but then he'd kept the others to himself long enough that the issue was very serious by the time they'd finally realized it.]
It's better to know what you're dealing with and face it, especially with the kinds of options we have here. Once we know exactly what's wrong, we can work on a way to fix it.
[Lance picks up his mug of coffee again, as if just remembering it's there, but doesn't drink it just yet. Instead, he decides to address the first part of what Ephemera said.]
Wanting to go out fighting is an understandable desire, but you may want to reconsider whether it's still as important to you now as it was. The situation here is not the same, and you have other things--and people--to live for, even if you could no longer fight.
[It's strange to think that. To consider anything else. He thinks about Drake and Lup, about Kyna -- even Washington, briefly. How they all ended up in this weird place and no matter what came before, they've built something. Pulled together and found each other.]
I like it here, you know? These people. My friends. I can be a whole person around them.
[It's not a correction, exactly, but rather a reminder. It's good that Ephemera is making improvements, but connecting those to other individuals or a setting can be a dangerous mistake.]
[If this were any other situation Lance probably wouldn't be able to resist telling Ephemera not to do the gesturing part, finding it both flippant and unnecessary, but he lets it go in this case. Instead he just tries to focus on the actual conversation, but he's really not mentally prepared to discuss something like this even though he does his best.]
[That sounds familiar; the details are different, of course, but it's a situation Lance has experience with.
He doesn't want to think about that, though, and startles just a little at the sudden noise of the coffee mug on the counter; he was already too far in his thoughts, and it pulls him back to the present. He wants to ask how Ephemera knows now for sure what happened, but decides not to in favor of condolences.]
I'm sorry.
[He really can't say too much more than that, especially not right now.]
[Sweets looks disturbed by the revelation. Ephemera assumed it wouldn't be much of a surprise. People like him die all the time. Hell Jumpers, motherfuckers who throw their lot in with space pirates and bastards like Felix. Live crooked, die young. Just how it goes.]
[It isn't hugely surprising, it's just that it's difficult for him not to empathize and right now he's just not mentally or emotionally able to handle that as well as he normally can.
But he nods at the question, even if he can't bring himself to answer verbally due to a combination of nausea and just lacking the energy to lie. Of course, the more or less non-response is probably not super convincing anyway.]
[Water is probably a good idea; he hasn't been completely failing to stay hydrated or anything, but he still hasn't been as successful as he probably should've been. So he nods again, vaguely aware that he's probably worrying Ephemera, but it's going to take a moment to gather enough willpower to force himself to be more present once again.]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2018-01-08 03:36 am (UTC)Sugar would be great, thank you.
[He follows Ephemera toward the kitchen, allowing himself to be temporarily distracted by coffee.]
no subject
Date: 2018-01-08 03:49 am (UTC)He hands Sweets the mug.]
Haven't got anything else.
[No cream or anything. That stuff doesn't keep.
He holds his mug for a moment. Exhales.]
Right. The Null got in my head and that was fucked up, but my implants have been bad for a while. So.
[He touches his knuckles to his mouth briefly, not looking Sweets in the eyes.]
I'm having seizures. Need to know if they're fucking with my head.
[He exhales sharply.]
You saw what it was like. I can't make bad calls in the field. So how do I tell?
no subject
Date: 2018-01-08 04:00 am (UTC)The issue is... Not exactly what he was expecting, but then again he's not sure what he was expecting to begin with. So Lance considers that a few moments, tapping his fingers idly against the side of the mug.]
I'm going to state again, just to be completely clear, that I'm not a medical doctor. Psychologists don't have medical training, other than some very basics about parts of the brain and the effects of brain chemistry, therefore I can't guarantee anything I tell you is going to be completely accurate.
[And that established--]
Seizures very rarely have any sort of personality-affecting complications, aside from confusion and disorientation, unless they're causing damage. So if you're concerned that they're going to alter your decision-making, then potentially yes, but not in terms of changing your underlying personality. It's more likely that, if one occurs during or near the time of making a decision, that decision will be more difficult and you may not consider information and potential consequences to the full extent.
[But as for telling, that's more difficult.]
I don't know how you would be able to know for certain when you're affected and when you aren't, other than that mental effects of a seizure usually occur around it; some come on before, but most are lingering after, for several hours. It would be better to consult an actual doctor or a healer for more information about that.
no subject
Date: 2018-01-08 04:13 am (UTC)Fun times. Nobody needs to know about that.
Ephemera hums to himself, holding the mug tight. Focusing on the the texture, the warmth in his hands. Stay in the moment.]
Don't know the doctors. I know you.
[He twitches. Then:]
Saw a sergeant die once, 'cause her implants got fucked up. Basic training. She seized real bad. Couldn't get her armor off in time. I need my armor, Doc.
[He's desperately afraid that one day his implants will get so bad he won't be able to wear it. That's worse than dying, not being able to fight.]
no subject
Date: 2018-01-08 04:27 am (UTC)So he gets why Ephemera would want to talk to him, but he shakes his head all the same, setting his coffee on the counter as his stomach lurches a bit while listening to the story. It's a horrific thought, and it's not something Lance can really help with, no matter how much he wants to.]
Then your implant needs to be either fixed or removed, whichever option is more viable. But you do need to let someone at least assess the severity of the seizures, and determine if they're truly being caused by the implant or are their own issue that the implant worsens. It's also worth making sure there's no serious damage already done.
no subject
Date: 2018-01-08 04:33 am (UTC)No. Stop that. CT wouldn't want that. CT would have kicked his ass for letting it get this bad.]
....what'd you mean, damage already done?
no subject
Date: 2018-01-08 04:36 am (UTC)[He doesn't want to worry Ephemera about it, but it's also not a possibility that should be ignored.]
no subject
Date: 2018-01-08 04:49 am (UTC)Focus. That's in the past. This is right now.]
Guess I didn't want to know. Not really.
[He huffs. Drinks some of his coffee.]
Started when I got locked up. Survived that so I figured it was fine. But now I'm here.
I don't want them to worry. My friends.
no subject
Date: 2018-01-08 04:54 am (UTC)[He remembers when Booth had his brain tumor, and how they'd all missed what signs Booth had told them about, but then he'd kept the others to himself long enough that the issue was very serious by the time they'd finally realized it.]
It's better to know what you're dealing with and face it, especially with the kinds of options we have here. Once we know exactly what's wrong, we can work on a way to fix it.
no subject
Date: 2018-01-08 04:38 pm (UTC)[He's not used to having people worry. Ephemera smiles faintly.]
CT would've kicked my ass for taking this long. I'm not afraid of dying. Just rather go out fighting.
[He lifts his head slightly.]
Know it's not your field. But thanks for hearing me out.
no subject
Date: 2018-01-09 02:34 am (UTC)[Lance picks up his mug of coffee again, as if just remembering it's there, but doesn't drink it just yet. Instead, he decides to address the first part of what Ephemera said.]
Wanting to go out fighting is an understandable desire, but you may want to reconsider whether it's still as important to you now as it was. The situation here is not the same, and you have other things--and people--to live for, even if you could no longer fight.
no subject
Date: 2018-01-09 02:40 am (UTC)[Ever since he enlisted and he never once looked back. A fighter, a soldier, that was what his family needed him to be.
He's quiet for a long moment, watching Sweets.]
But you're right. It's different now. With these people. I need to be different.
no subject
Date: 2018-01-09 02:43 am (UTC)That's good to hear. There's more to your life than being a soldier.
no subject
Date: 2018-01-09 02:50 am (UTC)[It's strange to think that. To consider anything else. He thinks about Drake and Lup, about Kyna -- even Washington, briefly. How they all ended up in this weird place and no matter what came before, they've built something. Pulled together and found each other.]
I like it here, you know? These people. My friends. I can be a whole person around them.
no subject
Date: 2018-01-09 02:54 am (UTC)[It's not a correction, exactly, but rather a reminder. It's good that Ephemera is making improvements, but connecting those to other individuals or a setting can be a dangerous mistake.]
no subject
Date: 2018-01-09 02:59 am (UTC)Maybe. I wasn't, for a while.
[He gives Sweets a faint smile.]
's okay. Apparently I got my head blown off, back home.
no subject
Date: 2018-01-09 03:02 am (UTC)What do you mean?
[About that last part. And okay, sure, it's pretty obvious what he means, but the question is really just meant to prompt more explanation.]
no subject
Date: 2018-01-09 03:06 am (UTC)Washington and the others. I wouldn't stay down, apparently.
[He mimes a gun and points it at his head. Bang.]
I don't remember it.
no subject
Date: 2018-01-09 03:12 am (UTC)Has it not happened for you yet?
no subject
Date: 2018-01-09 03:17 am (UTC)[He sets his coffee down abruptly. He doesn't want it anymore.]
I remember falling. Landed bad. Knew I was done. Then--
[Then things got fuzzy.]
Hnn. Woke up here.
no subject
Date: 2018-01-09 03:21 am (UTC)He doesn't want to think about that, though, and startles just a little at the sudden noise of the coffee mug on the counter; he was already too far in his thoughts, and it pulls him back to the present. He wants to ask how Ephemera knows now for sure what happened, but decides not to in favor of condolences.]
I'm sorry.
[He really can't say too much more than that, especially not right now.]
no subject
Date: 2018-01-09 03:29 am (UTC)You don't have to be.
[He's quiet a moment.]
You all right, Doc?
no subject
Date: 2018-01-09 03:37 am (UTC)But he nods at the question, even if he can't bring himself to answer verbally due to a combination of nausea and just lacking the energy to lie. Of course, the more or less non-response is probably not super convincing anyway.]
no subject
Date: 2018-01-09 03:39 am (UTC)[It's obviously not okay. Remember the twins, Ephemera thinks. When they stopped talking. Keep calm, be steady, and they'd be calm too.
He stays where he is. Doesn't reach out.]
You want some water?
no subject
Date: 2018-01-09 03:44 am (UTC)(no subject)
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