lifetothefullest | [IC Inbox]

Then do something to change them, instead of repeating them the very next time that it's the easiest thing to do.

[He crosses his arms in frustration as he speaks, although his tone remains mostly even.]

Have you learned anything, from any of what happened a few days ago?

Like what?

[It's a genuine question. Her protocols are flawed. She doesn't know how to correct them.

Maketh shrugs. It's hard to feel much of anything right now. She can hear the tension in Lance's voice, the way his shoulders are beginning to bunch up. Clearly she's not saying the right things or saying them in the right way.]

I don't know what you want me to say.

[God who may or may not exist, give him strength. At least enough strength to keep his temper under control, which is not something he typically struggles with, but he's had a very hard last few weeks. Or more like six weeks, really.

Finally, he manages to come up with something relatively professional, unlike most of the things that are coming to mind at the moment.]

Is there anything you would've done differently, looking back on the situation now?

[That's a strange thing to ask. She already acted. There's no point in looking back and wondering what-if.

But he asked. Maketh shrugs again.]

Talked with Henry first.

[It doesn't matter. She disappointed him again.]

[Well, that's something, at least.]

Why?

[Maketh doesn't say anything for a long moment. Then:]

His choices are better.

So you trust his judgement?

[He's not saying that's a bad thing by any means--he doesn't know Henry well, but he seems sensible enough--but he wants to confirm that's the conclusion.]

Always.

[There's no hesitation, no question at all.]

Good.

[Because she needs someone to be a metric to base what's appropriate and what isn't.

However...]

But you knew this all already, before this happened; you knew he wouldn't approve, and therefore that it was not the right course of action. That's why you didn't call him to begin with.

[So why should anyone believe she'll actually go to Henry next time? It's not like she was unaware of her actions being wrong.]

I thought it was necessary.

[Regardless of whether Henry would allow it, something had needed to be done.]

I am capable of making those choices. To Henry they are dishonorable. To most people they are dishonorable. I would rather do these things then put them on him.

[It's making his skin crawl a bit listening to this and that isn't helping him stay as calm as he wants to be, so his tone begins to edge into snappish as he response.]

And so although you trust his judgement, in that what you were planning to do was both wrong and not the best course of action, you still decided to go through with it. Why should I--or anyone else--believe you won't do the same thing next time?

[And, by extension, that she's learned anything from this experience.]

I didn't think it was the wrong course of action.

[Not at the time, at least.]

A statement had to be made. A statement will still be made, though not by me. My judgement was compromised.

[Breathe, Lance. Don't do anything out of frustration or anger or any other emotion; be patient, and end the conversation if you can't be.

He takes a slow, deep breath, counting mentally and also allowing himself to appreciate the fact that he can actually take a full breath once again without feeling like he's being stabbing in the side when he does so. Things are getting better, not worse, despite how stressful the last few weeks have been.

That thought helps center him, and after another several seconds of silence he finds his voice again; although he's more blunt than usual when he responds, it's measured and purposeful rather than out of frustration or any other emotion.]

Maketh, I'm going to be very honest with you. It is your decision, and yours alone, whether you want to continue in the manner you have been. If so, then that is your choice and you'll have to deal with whatever consequences come of it. But if not, then you can't continue to justify to everyone--and most importantly, yourself--why your poor choices are, or were, reasonable at the time.

[And something more, that she probably won't like--]

And you can't continue to act as though the situation you come from justifies a different set of standards for your behavior. Being victimized doesn't define your life or who you are, and it doesn't excuse you from your decisions. It's something that you have to live with, but ultimately it's still your life.

[He tries to keep his words as clinical as he can, but there's probably no hiding that this is a subject he knows more about than just having read a textbook on. Still, with any luck Maketh won't pick up on that, and if she does then perhaps it'll just help get through to her.]

I am not a victim!

[She doesn't mean to snap. That's not the point of this, isn't the point at all, she's mean to come here and account for her behavior. Take her lashes and refrain from doing it again - or at least not in front of witnesses. But she's not here to be---

No. She is not a victim. She was never a victim. Everything she did was because of her own choices.]

I am cruel and I am wrong but I am not some--some slave.

[Well, it's not the reaction that would've been ideal, but it's something other than dull responses and repeated, seemingly rehearsed lines.

He stares back at her, intently, but his voice is still as calm as before.]

Not everything is an extreme.

[Maketh shivers, pressing her hands flat against the temple steps. She doesn't know why she's so angry all of a sudden. He cannot be allowed to believe these things about her. It edges too close to pity and that cannot be allowed.] No. You don't get to do that. I am not a slave, I am not a--fucking victim. I am an officer of the Imperial Court!

[He's watching her reaction carefully, both for hints of how to proceed and because he can tell she's angry, which means he needs to be careful but also that he's hitting upon something important.]

This subject is eliciting a very strong reaction. Is there a reason for that?

[This subject is eliciting a very strong reaction. Stars, she wants to hit him then. Something to make him shut up.]

Fuck you mother.

[Maketh twitches. Forces her hands to lay flat.]

I don't want your pity. Get rid of it.

[He's heard a lot worse, and isn't fazed.]

This isn't pity.

[And that's true; he feels understanding, empathy, and some level of concern, but not pity. It's not something that's helpful in this situation.]

And you didn't answer the question.

[Maketh shoots him a sharp look, full of suspicion. Pity is dangerous - it means she looks weak.]

I am not a victim. I had choices. Maybe they were wrong, but they were mine.

[He stares back at her, just as intent as always.]

As I've said before, we always have choices. But that doesn't somehow prevent other people from trying--or succeeding--in causing harm.

[And he makes a mental note that now she's taking responsibility for her decisions, but doesn't say anything about that or the timing of it.]

[Maketh fights the urge to shiver and bolt. She doesn't like this conversation. She liked it better when she thought she was getting punished. That would have been predictable, expected. This is just confusing, entirely alien, and she's constantly misstepping.]

I never denied that I caused harm.

That's not what I was talking about.

[He thinks she knows that, but he'll spell it out.]

Your ability to make choices doesn't somehow completely prevent harm being done to you, just as it doesn't for anyone else.

[Maketh shivers again. She doesn't want to talk about this, doesn't want to go there.]

I enlisted. I lived. I chose that.

If choosing to enlist meant that one was immune to the effects of what might happen to them, I wouldn't have a job.

[Or well, he would, but most likely it wouldn't be at the FBI. And the sorts of situations that agents--and those in the military--face are serious, but they don't seem to have the elements that he's heard Maketh and Hux describe as being normal.]

Do you remember what we spoke about when we had our session?

[About survival mechanisms.]

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