lol. yeah im sure. no event atm. im ok. sorry to drag u into shit that last time. thx for fuckin around w. me. it helped. kept me from doin stupid shit. on that note i owe u an explanation for some of the shit i said.
There doesn't have to be an event for it to be an emergency.
[But he's definitely mostly joking now; he's convinced, at this point, that it truly isn't an emergency, especially when Harlan explains further.]
You don't have to thank me, but you're welcome; I'm glad I could help. But if you don't want to explain you don't have to.
[He... Definitely thinks they should talk about the subject, but he also isn't going to pressure Harlan on it and doesn't want him thinking he has to tell him just because of what happened during the event.]
i dont have to but im doin it anyway. to both things. i have a lot of mh shit goin on. its under control for the most part. its tougher here but at home i was doin ok. i had meds and was seein a psych regularly. the big scary thing is that i have homicidal ideation. thats the fancy psych term u should recognize. like i said its under control. ive never acted on it here and i dont plan to. but it fucks me up from time to time. events tend to make shit worse which is why it came up when we were talkin.
[That's... A lot, but nothing hugely surprising at this point. Too much to really deal with over text, at least for him, when reading facial expressions and tone are so important, so--]
That all makes sense, but do you mind if we talk in person? It's been awhile since JF and Sandy saw each other.
[In other words, bring the cat and come over so they can discuss this in more depth, because there are some things Lance wants to ask and suggest but text is not the way to do that.]
[Booooooo. Harlan can't say he didn't see this coming, but he was hoping to avoid dealing with this in person. That makes the stakes feel so much higher.
But, it's a fair thing to want, and it'll probably be for the best anyway.]
i figured ud say that. sure. fine. brt.
[And since Harlan is a sorcerer, he's knocking on Lance's door like three whole minutes later. John Frusciante is perched on his shoulder and meowing loudly, having been woken up from a nap. She's angry!!!]
[He'd expected at least a token argument, but he can't say he's disappointed with skipping right to agreeing. So he opens the door a few minutes later, stepping back to let Harlan and JF in, offering them both a small smile.]
Hey, thanks for humoring me.
[With the whole talking in person thing. Sandy is already wandering up behind Lance, tail swishing curiously as she sees who's come to visit.]
[But he's smiling too. He grabs hold of JF before she can make a dive for Sandy and instead sets her safely on the ground.
She flicks her tail curiously, sniffing in Sandy's direction, but turns to instead bonk her head into Lance's leg. Hello this is the part where you pet me.]
To be clear, I'm here as your friend, not a patient. You don't have to diagnose me and shit.
[JF doesn't have to indicate her desire to be cuddled twice; Lance picks her up immediately, scratching gently under her chin and leading the way further into the apartment. Sandy gives Harlan a look but then follows Lance, but honestly she's more interested in JF.
Lance sets the cat back down before she can grow tired of his affection, then looks back at Harlan with another small grin.]
Great, that saves me the trouble of explaining that I can't actually give you professional advice in this area due to ethical reasons.
[He doesn't bother elaborating why, either, knowing Harlan can probably guess why considering the commonality between them. It isn't ethical for Lance to provide counseling in that area because he's not even close to impartial.]
Besides, it sounds like you already have a diagnosis, from what you told me.
[JF WILL NEVER GROW TIRED OF ANYONE'S AFFECTION. She purrs loudly as Lance snuggles her and meows grumpily when she's put down, but then she notices Sandy again and bounds over to investigate.]
Yeah, a couple of 'em. I've been in therapy most of my life. Everyone's got a different opinion, but the names for shit don't change.
[He follows Lance deeper into the apartment and drops himself into a chair. Standing around talking about this is weird?]
By the way, don't take this personally, but I didn't mean to drop that shit on you during the event. It's not something I like people knowing about me.
[There's an added implication that Lance should keep this under his hat, though Harlan trusts him in that department, both professionally and as a friend.]
[Bless Lance. Harlan appreciates that they're usually on the same page.]
The reason. So far it's a fifty-fifty split between my mom fucking me up beyond repair and me just being born this way. It might have been a hereditary thing.
[He doesn't sound particularly in love with either of these theories. He focuses his attention on watching JF and Sandy sniff each other.]
It doesn't matter one way or the other. It doesn't change anything.
Not in those words specifically, but it's true, isn't it? This isn't the kind of shit you can cure. Management is about the best I can hope for.
[It's a dismal outlook, maybe, but Harlan has mostly come to accept it.]
I've got plenty of methods for handling it, sure. I deal with it the same way I deal with any intrusive thought bullshit. I was on meds back home.
[And it's annoying that they don't have access to medication here, but it's probably fine. He copes just fine most of the time.]
Honestly? I avoid bringing it up in therapy, and when I do, I downplay it. Unless I get to the point where I'm actually dangerous, it's not a risk worth taking.
[The last thing he wants is to get tossed into some hospital. Fuck that.]
People love to declare that victim's lives are ruined, or they're irreparably damaged, or any number of other things, from whatever they've gone through. But it's just as untrue as any other broad, sweeping statement.
[He wants to be clear about this, because it's something that he's had to deal with off and on himself for his whole life. Yes, victims will often face certain challenges and struggles that others wouldn't, but Lance knows firsthand that it doesn't have to mean your life will somehow be lesser than it could've been. It's just different.
And as for the rest of what Harlan says, okay, that makes sense and sounds reasonable enough, especially since this is one of those things that can cause a justifiable breach in confidentiality; the psychologist or psychiatrist is allowed to act if they feel like their patient's life--or the lives of others--are in danger because of their patient, so he can get why Harlan would be very careful about what he says.
It's both good and bad in terms of dealing with it here, though, and Lance is quiet another few moments before deciding to just go into it.]
Aside from events in general, is there something that brings it on? Something that makes you think about the ideation more, or makes it seem more appealing?
It's not a broad, sweeping statement. It applies here for this one thing. Some people think it's fucked up to think about it like that, but I don't see the point in hoping for a fix that's never gonna come.
[He agrees with Lance in spirit; yes, the things that have happened to him are just things that happened. He is who he is because of it, but that's not the extent either, and he's certainly never wanted all the sympathy that comes with it, well-meaning or otherwise. He wouldn't have bothered changing his name if he wanted to coast on pity, if he didn't care how it changed people's perception of him.
But he's not interested in how he fits into a larger narrative. He's never been the type to seek out solidarity in this. His situation is unique, everyone's is, and finding others who can relate in any substantial way always ends in disappointment.
He takes a moment to think about Lance's question. It's not something he should have to think about, he knows. He should keep better track of this shit, but, well. It gets tiring. There's something to be said for just letting things happen.]
Stress. Boredom. I don't know. Sometimes there's rough trends, but sometimes I just have bad nights. Hell, sometimes when shit's been good it'll start up.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
text
Date: 2018-07-04 06:12 am (UTC)u got a min?
its actually not an emergency this time.
cross my heart.
text
Date: 2018-07-06 11:08 pm (UTC)Are you sure?
[He's... Half joking but also wants to make double sure okay he's heard that before.]
no subject
Date: 2018-07-11 05:33 am (UTC)no event atm. im ok.
sorry to drag u into shit that last time. thx for fuckin around w. me.
it helped. kept me from doin stupid shit.
on that note i owe u an explanation for some of the shit i said.
no subject
Date: 2018-07-12 12:19 am (UTC)[But he's definitely mostly joking now; he's convinced, at this point, that it truly isn't an emergency, especially when Harlan explains further.]
You don't have to thank me, but you're welcome; I'm glad I could help. But if you don't want to explain you don't have to.
[He... Definitely thinks they should talk about the subject, but he also isn't going to pressure Harlan on it and doesn't want him thinking he has to tell him just because of what happened during the event.]
no subject
Date: 2018-07-12 03:06 am (UTC)to both things.
i have a lot of mh shit goin on.
its under control for the most part. its tougher here but at home i was doin ok. i had meds and was seein a psych regularly.
the big scary thing is that i have homicidal ideation.
thats the fancy psych term u should recognize.
like i said its under control. ive never acted on it here and i dont plan to.
but it fucks me up from time to time. events tend to make shit worse which is why it came up when we were talkin.
no subject
Date: 2018-07-12 11:04 pm (UTC)That all makes sense, but do you mind if we talk in person? It's been awhile since JF and Sandy saw each other.
[In other words, bring the cat and come over so they can discuss this in more depth, because there are some things Lance wants to ask and suggest but text is not the way to do that.]
no subject
Date: 2018-07-13 04:12 am (UTC)But, it's a fair thing to want, and it'll probably be for the best anyway.]
i figured ud say that.
sure. fine.
brt.
[And since Harlan is a sorcerer, he's knocking on Lance's door like three whole minutes later. John Frusciante is perched on his shoulder and meowing loudly, having been woken up from a nap. She's angry!!!]
no subject
Date: 2018-07-15 09:17 pm (UTC)Hey, thanks for humoring me.
[With the whole talking in person thing. Sandy is already wandering up behind Lance, tail swishing curiously as she sees who's come to visit.]
no subject
Date: 2018-07-17 12:47 am (UTC)[But he's smiling too. He grabs hold of JF before she can make a dive for Sandy and instead sets her safely on the ground.
She flicks her tail curiously, sniffing in Sandy's direction, but turns to instead bonk her head into Lance's leg. Hello this is the part where you pet me.]
To be clear, I'm here as your friend, not a patient. You don't have to diagnose me and shit.
no subject
Date: 2018-07-17 12:59 am (UTC)Lance sets the cat back down before she can grow tired of his affection, then looks back at Harlan with another small grin.]
Great, that saves me the trouble of explaining that I can't actually give you professional advice in this area due to ethical reasons.
[He doesn't bother elaborating why, either, knowing Harlan can probably guess why considering the commonality between them. It isn't ethical for Lance to provide counseling in that area because he's not even close to impartial.]
Besides, it sounds like you already have a diagnosis, from what you told me.
no subject
Date: 2018-07-17 03:03 am (UTC)Yeah, a couple of 'em. I've been in therapy most of my life. Everyone's got a different opinion, but the names for shit don't change.
[He follows Lance deeper into the apartment and drops himself into a chair. Standing around talking about this is weird?]
By the way, don't take this personally, but I didn't mean to drop that shit on you during the event. It's not something I like people knowing about me.
[There's an added implication that Lance should keep this under his hat, though Harlan trusts him in that department, both professionally and as a friend.]
no subject
Date: 2018-07-18 11:38 pm (UTC)That's understandable.
[Not wanting people to know, and by proxy not wanting Lance to tell anyone. Which he, of course, has no intention of doing.
He's quiet a few moments before speaking up again.]
You said everyone had a different opinion; did you mean for the reason underlying the diagnosis, or about the diagnosis itself?
[He presumes the former by what Harlan said about the names not changing, but he wants to be sure.]
no subject
Date: 2018-07-23 09:27 am (UTC)The reason. So far it's a fifty-fifty split between my mom fucking me up beyond repair and me just being born this way. It might have been a hereditary thing.
[He doesn't sound particularly in love with either of these theories. He focuses his attention on watching JF and Sandy sniff each other.]
It doesn't matter one way or the other. It doesn't change anything.
no subject
Date: 2018-07-24 02:28 am (UTC)[Really. He'll have to track down some therapists in Harlan's world and give them some serious lectures otherwise.
But okay, he thinks that over a moment, also watching the animals idly as he does.]
Did they ever suggest any methods of handling it, or ways to work on resolving it?
no subject
Date: 2018-07-24 04:41 am (UTC)Not in those words specifically, but it's true, isn't it? This isn't the kind of shit you can cure. Management is about the best I can hope for.
[It's a dismal outlook, maybe, but Harlan has mostly come to accept it.]
I've got plenty of methods for handling it, sure. I deal with it the same way I deal with any intrusive thought bullshit. I was on meds back home.
[And it's annoying that they don't have access to medication here, but it's probably fine. He copes just fine most of the time.]
Honestly? I avoid bringing it up in therapy, and when I do, I downplay it. Unless I get to the point where I'm actually dangerous, it's not a risk worth taking.
[The last thing he wants is to get tossed into some hospital. Fuck that.]
no subject
Date: 2018-07-24 04:54 am (UTC)[He wants to be clear about this, because it's something that he's had to deal with off and on himself for his whole life. Yes, victims will often face certain challenges and struggles that others wouldn't, but Lance knows firsthand that it doesn't have to mean your life will somehow be lesser than it could've been. It's just different.
And as for the rest of what Harlan says, okay, that makes sense and sounds reasonable enough, especially since this is one of those things that can cause a justifiable breach in confidentiality; the psychologist or psychiatrist is allowed to act if they feel like their patient's life--or the lives of others--are in danger because of their patient, so he can get why Harlan would be very careful about what he says.
It's both good and bad in terms of dealing with it here, though, and Lance is quiet another few moments before deciding to just go into it.]
Aside from events in general, is there something that brings it on? Something that makes you think about the ideation more, or makes it seem more appealing?
no subject
Date: 2018-07-28 06:22 am (UTC)[He agrees with Lance in spirit; yes, the things that have happened to him are just things that happened. He is who he is because of it, but that's not the extent either, and he's certainly never wanted all the sympathy that comes with it, well-meaning or otherwise. He wouldn't have bothered changing his name if he wanted to coast on pity, if he didn't care how it changed people's perception of him.
But he's not interested in how he fits into a larger narrative. He's never been the type to seek out solidarity in this. His situation is unique, everyone's is, and finding others who can relate in any substantial way always ends in disappointment.
He takes a moment to think about Lance's question. It's not something he should have to think about, he knows. He should keep better track of this shit, but, well. It gets tiring. There's something to be said for just letting things happen.]
Stress. Boredom. I don't know. Sometimes there's rough trends, but sometimes I just have bad nights. Hell, sometimes when shit's been good it'll start up.