[The next part is harder. Ephemera is quiet for a long moment, trying to find the words. Part of him just wants to bolt or offer to start throwing knives again, something - anything - other than talking about this bullshit.
But in the end, that's weak. Do better, soldier. You promised.]
I never took their helmets off. So I didn't--
[Never thought to. Never guessed that the reason they were so slow, so easy to scare, was because--
Ephemera breathes. Bows his head.]
I had rules. Even then, I had rules. For CT. We never do that, we never hurt kids. Never.
[But he'd never looked. Never asked.]
Yeah, uh. I guess they were really desperate on Chorus. Because that's what they sent out to fight us. Teenagers. And I hurt them. I did that.
[Ugh. The whole thought of that makes his skin crawl a little, but he can't necessarily fault Ephemera for it; he's seen the armour they all wear, after all, and unless he had reason to believe they weren't adults of course he wouldn't have thought to check otherwise.]
I'm sorry.
[For Ephemera, the kids who died, and the whole situation. It sounds horrible.]
[Ephemera jerks his head, not looking at Sweets. There are too many things running through his head. More than anything, he knows what CT would have said. Or rather, what Hunter would have said. The awful, crystal truth of it.]
I didn't hate them. Didn't think about them at all. They were kids and I shot them like they were nothing.
[Because they were between him and Washington. There's a sharp, throbbing pain at the thought of that.
Ephemera exhales. It hurts to breathe.]
And I gave them a planet killer. Found it in the ruins. Knew what it was. Knew Felix would use it even if Locus didn't. Didn't care. I gave it to them so I'd get one more shot at Carolina. Just one more chance. I fucking killed kids for them.
[Lance is getting a better idea--at least he thinks so, anyway--of what some of this might be really about, and he's also making careful note of different points to address. It's easier than thinking too much about the situation and what Ephemera is telling him really means; he's not quite up to really handling that just yet, officially back from vacation or not.
He almost decides to remain silent and let Ephemera just continue, but there's something he has to ask.]
[Ephemera isn't sure he believes that. What has being sorry ever accomplished? But part of him really wants to. No matter how selfish it might be. He shivers. Lifts his head to watch Sweets.
More than anything, Ephemera looks tired then.]
Been thinking. 'bout what I do when this is over. I wanna go back to Chorus. They're still standing. Maybe I could help them rebuild.
[He grimaces.]
Or maybe they execute me outright. But. I thought, maybe it would matter. If I did something good for once.
[That's an interesting idea, although Lance is really not sure what to say; he doesn't normally have this problem, but this is kind of more than he was expecting to need to process at the moment.]
Okay. Yeah, I think it would be worth a try; I'm not going to discourage the idea of trying to do something worthwhile.
[It doesn't, of course, make up for everything, but it's something.]
[Lance tries to refrain from wincing himself, because great going, he's already messed this up.]
No, it's fine, I just wanted to be sure of what we're talking about.
[Okay. Take a breath, sort everything out, and start at the beginning.]
The entire situation sounds confusing and chaotic, and it was likely purposefully so, from what you told me about those causing it. But although that doesn't absolve you of your actions, it does mitigate them; you didn't know exactly who you were fighting, even though you shouldn't have allowed your desire for revenge to be more important than making sure.
[He's trying to be as balanced and objective as he can be here.]
If the main question, out of all of this, is about whether trying to help rebuild and atone in a way for your actions, I think it's a good idea. More than that, it's an appropriate one.
That's normal, to an extent. Military environments are unfortunately very focused on suppressing individuality, and so regaining it can be difficult for some people even after their military service is over.
I know people do that. I meant the other part. Trying to fix what they did.
[He shrugs.]
I guess. Everything I was, I made it that way with my squad. With CT and the others. And I've got people now, but it's not the same. Have to be myself. Just myself.
[It feels complicated more than anything. But it could be worse, Ephemera thinks. He could still be angry all the time and he's not. He gives Sweets a little smile.]
[Lance watches curiously as Ephemera starts winding up for some sort of trick, and it's definitely an impressive one. But he's more interested in that it seems to make Ephemera really happy, and Lance can't help but smile a little himself.]
[As in more practice than he's willing to put in, although it's neat to see other people do it. But most of his focus here goes into just getting through the day, and then also on working on magic. He definitely wants to be good at that.]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2018-03-10 04:32 am (UTC)But in the end, that's weak. Do better, soldier. You promised.]
I never took their helmets off. So I didn't--
[Never thought to. Never guessed that the reason they were so slow, so easy to scare, was because--
Ephemera breathes. Bows his head.]
I had rules. Even then, I had rules. For CT. We never do that, we never hurt kids. Never.
[But he'd never looked. Never asked.]
Yeah, uh. I guess they were really desperate on Chorus. Because that's what they sent out to fight us. Teenagers. And I hurt them. I did that.
no subject
Date: 2018-03-10 04:35 am (UTC)I'm sorry.
[For Ephemera, the kids who died, and the whole situation. It sounds horrible.]
no subject
Date: 2018-03-10 04:47 am (UTC)I didn't hate them. Didn't think about them at all. They were kids and I shot them like they were nothing.
[Because they were between him and Washington. There's a sharp, throbbing pain at the thought of that.
Ephemera exhales. It hurts to breathe.]
And I gave them a planet killer. Found it in the ruins. Knew what it was. Knew Felix would use it even if Locus didn't. Didn't care. I gave it to them so I'd get one more shot at Carolina. Just one more chance. I fucking killed kids for them.
no subject
Date: 2018-03-10 06:13 am (UTC)He almost decides to remain silent and let Ephemera just continue, but there's something he has to ask.]
Do you regret it, knowing what you do now?
no subject
Date: 2018-03-10 03:10 pm (UTC)Yeah. But that doesn't change what I did.
no subject
Date: 2018-03-10 09:03 pm (UTC)It doesn't, but it still matters.
[But he's not going to go more into this topic until he's sure Ephemera's said everything else he intended to in this conversation.]
no subject
Date: 2018-03-10 09:15 pm (UTC)More than anything, Ephemera looks tired then.]
Been thinking. 'bout what I do when this is over. I wanna go back to Chorus. They're still standing. Maybe I could help them rebuild.
[He grimaces.]
Or maybe they execute me outright. But. I thought, maybe it would matter. If I did something good for once.
no subject
Date: 2018-03-12 02:10 am (UTC)Okay. Yeah, I think it would be worth a try; I'm not going to discourage the idea of trying to do something worthwhile.
[It doesn't, of course, make up for everything, but it's something.]
no subject
Date: 2018-03-12 03:12 am (UTC).....I just threw a lot at you, huh?
no subject
Date: 2018-03-12 03:14 am (UTC)[It's... Sort of a joke, mostly because he doesn't want Ephemera to feel guilty or anything.]
Was that what you wanted to speak about, or is there more?
[Because he isn't totally sure if this is lead up to something else or the main issue, and that matters for how he handles it.]
no subject
Date: 2018-03-12 03:16 am (UTC)No. That was it. We can just throw knives now, if you want.
no subject
Date: 2018-03-12 03:25 am (UTC)No, it's fine, I just wanted to be sure of what we're talking about.
[Okay. Take a breath, sort everything out, and start at the beginning.]
The entire situation sounds confusing and chaotic, and it was likely purposefully so, from what you told me about those causing it. But although that doesn't absolve you of your actions, it does mitigate them; you didn't know exactly who you were fighting, even though you shouldn't have allowed your desire for revenge to be more important than making sure.
[He's trying to be as balanced and objective as he can be here.]
If the main question, out of all of this, is about whether trying to help rebuild and atone in a way for your actions, I think it's a good idea. More than that, it's an appropriate one.
no subject
Date: 2018-03-12 03:46 pm (UTC)That something people do, in your world?
Think I've been a solider too long. Everything I do, I see it like that.
no subject
Date: 2018-03-12 04:57 pm (UTC)[As for the last comments--]
That's normal, to an extent. Military environments are unfortunately very focused on suppressing individuality, and so regaining it can be difficult for some people even after their military service is over.
no subject
Date: 2018-03-12 06:20 pm (UTC)[He shrugs.]
I guess. Everything I was, I made it that way with my squad. With CT and the others. And I've got people now, but it's not the same. Have to be myself. Just myself.
no subject
Date: 2018-03-12 06:42 pm (UTC)[Unfortunately, some don't seem to feel guilt. He offers a small shrug as well at Ephemera's next words.]
That may not be as difficult as you think; you seem to be most of the way there already.
no subject
Date: 2018-03-12 07:06 pm (UTC)[He thinks that's a good thing, mostly.]
Thanks. For hearing me out. Helps.
no subject
Date: 2018-03-13 04:56 am (UTC)You're welcome; I'm glad I can help. You're doing really well, just keep reminding yourself of the end goal.
[Of being a better person.]
no subject
Date: 2018-03-13 02:13 pm (UTC)You still wanna try throwing knives?
no subject
Date: 2018-03-16 01:21 am (UTC)[He's not serious, of course.]
no subject
Date: 2018-03-16 02:57 pm (UTC)[Ephemera picks up a knife, tossing it up into the air and then snatching it. He eyes the target.]
I used to be able to do this.....
[He takes a breath, relaxing his shoulders. Draws a k-bar from his belt and throws. Then he throws the smaller knife.
It impacts right into the hilt of the larger blade.
Ephemera laughs, delighted.]
Fuck, yeah!
no subject
Date: 2018-03-19 08:19 pm (UTC)Nice job.
no subject
Date: 2018-03-20 08:04 pm (UTC)Wasn't sure I could do it. Pretty awesome, right? You can do stuff like this if you practice a lot.
no subject
Date: 2018-03-22 10:05 pm (UTC)[But as cool as it is--]
I think it would take a lot of practice, for me.
[As in more practice than he's willing to put in, although it's neat to see other people do it. But most of his focus here goes into just getting through the day, and then also on working on magic. He definitely wants to be good at that.]
no subject
Date: 2018-03-25 11:04 pm (UTC)Everything takes practice. You wanna try again?
(no subject)
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