[Lance is quiet, waiting for Carlisle to decide what he does or doesn't want to say without interruption, focusing on sipping at his own tea. Although he's been doing a lot better in the last few days, he's still having some mental and physical difficulty keeping anything down; the kind of stress he's been dealing with lately has been having a bad effect on him.
But one of those issues is similar, in a way, to what Carlisle is dealing with, so he has a great deal of empathy for what little he understands about the situation. What Carlisle says, though, is a bit surprising, because that's... An even more limited time than he expected.]
What makes you believe that?
[It isn't incredulous or questioning of the assessment; he just genuinely wants to know more about what's going on, so that he can better help.]
I have a condition. [That part isn't hard to admit; it rolls off his tongue as easily as his own name. The next isn't as easy, a holdover from the culture of the world in which he grew up.] A curse, really.
[And the last part is what he's still adjusting to.]
And an effect of it is an aural tear within me. I... only recently discovered it, as it is a fairly unusual anomaly even in my world- as unusual as being cursed in this way. I... I don't suppose you have those where you come from. Curses or aural tears or... um. Afflictions or the causes of such things.
[His expression hardens as he does his best to remain impassive despite the grim topic.]
I have known I was likely to die fairly young for some time now. People with this condition do not live long for many reasons. I expect that tear will be mine.
[Lance listens to all of that carefully, forgetting all about his tea while he does so, making note of everything Carlisle is saying even though he really doesn't understand much of it. There definitely aren't the sorts of things that he's mentioning back in Lance's world, at least not that he's aware of.
But the general idea is simple enough, and so is the end result. So Lance nods, to show he understands, before asking quietly--]
Has it been getting worse lately?
[He presumes so, considering all the other hints so far.]
[Carlisle stares down his tea before taking a drink. The steam, while it may open his sinuses a bit, does nothing to clear his head the way he'd hoped.]
Were it a curable condition, I'd have treated it by now, but... matters of individual energy and the soul are quite difficult, even for those experienced in them. I could have all the world's energy at my fingertips, and still, it would drain me until there is nothing left of myself.
[And in a way, he has that excess energy with Glacius' Mote. It allows him to keep healing, gives him the strength he needs when he finds himself weary; however, it can only do so much against the abyssal maw eating away at him from within.]
I have yet to ask. Given the nature of the injury, I'm not sure I could trust someone with the task of repairing it even if they thought it possible. It would —[an uncomfortable sort of noise escapes from the back of his throat]— It would fall into the same purview as necromancy.
[And if the way he says that is any indication, he's not super fond of necromancy.]
Okay. I'd suggest that you look into the option, just to know what's possible, but I'm not going to tell you that you have to; it's your decision.
[And making that decision himself is important; if curing his condition is possible but goes against his morals--as it seems from that reaction that it might--it could end up not being worth it mentally and emotionally. There are, after all, a lot of reasons why people might refuse treatment for more mundane illnesses, let alone something like this.
And all of that established and said, the time is appropriate to offer something just as important as any advice might be.]
I'm sorry this is something you have to deal with. Issues like this are incredibly difficult, for a multitude of reasons, especially without support. Does anyone else know about this?
[Looking into it, he can do, granted he can figure out who he'd even approach about such information. There are other casters around, certainly, but from what he's seen, they all seem to be... fairly traditional. Evocationists and conjurers, at best. He has done his best to stay out of the affairs of others, be they healers, magicians, or even those without a lick of magic in their blood. Even if he does find someone, broaching the subject of such taboo magic is not something he's sure he can do in good faith.
Perhaps his goddess will answer him about this, he ponders inwardly with an outward sigh.]
I have tried to tell my partner, but... the topic isn't one that is easy to discuss. I don't think he wants to hear it, for fear he will lose heart in this place.
[That is... An answer that Lance has to carefully decide how he wants to respond to, because his initial reaction is not one that will be helpful. It's difficult to handle knowing that a loved one is terminally ill, but it's much harder for the person with the illness and therefore refusing to provide the kind of support needed is, as far as Lance is concerned, cowardly. But he's too empathetic to completely condemn whoever Carlisle's partner is, even though he's very unimpressed by that information and feels terrible for Carlisle in all of this.
So it takes several seconds before he figures out the right way to put this without making Carlisle feel a need to defend or justify his partner's emotions, while still giving the advice that is necessary.]
It's understandable that this is a difficult topic, for both of you. But is isn't something that will go away as long as it isn't talked about; it's still there, and I doubt you have the luxury of much time passing without thinking about.
[Lance knows he thinks about his own fate at home often, and he no longer even has any sort of reminders--like Carlisle's physical symptoms--to prompt those thoughts.]
As hard as it might be for your partner to accept, especially initially, talking about and facing this issue together is incredibly important. It will improve the quality of your life immensely to not be dealing with this alone, and the better you feel the more meaningful your time together can be.
[Oh, it seems like Carlisle is going to justify how Glacius feels anyway, or maybe he's just telling himself that, as he has clearly done several times before. The excuses come so readily.]
He worries about me. He worries about her. He worries about everyone he would consider a friend, and how this place and its false gods affect them. He worries about his home, and what has happened to it in his absence, and if he'll ever see it again, or if we'll ever see it together. He wants to deal with the problems he left behind, and then come find me, should we be returned to our respective worlds, but what if he arrives and I'm already dead? Or should I wither here, what will happen? I've seen the depths of his despair when- when this friend of ours vanished the first time, and how will she respond if I'm the one who is gone?
[Well, so much for that composure. His hands are back to shaking; he realizes it and tries to calm down, but it's hard to hide how deeply bothered he is by all this.]
I- I know you're right, but it's... I don't know when the time is appropriate to bring up such sobering topics.
[None of those justifications are hugely surprising, because they're the sort of thing he not only would expect but has heard from others in similar situations, and even struggled with himself. Knowing that someone you love is has so much to deal with already, and not wanting to add to it, is a common and understandable concern.
But there are certain details in what Carlisle says that stand out more than the overall response, especially the part about his partner wanting to resolve other issues before going to find Carlisle, should they be separated. That stands out a red flag that Lance hopes is not exactly as it sounds, and he taps his own fingers against the mug of tea a few times in a small gesture of agitation, before he makes himself stop.]
An appropriate time would be whenever you are both home, without any pressing, immediate tasks or errands. Bring up needing to talk just like you did with me, and write yourself a script if it helps you get through saying everything you want to; it's sometimes easier to discuss an emotional topic if you can just read, rather than thinking too much about what you're saying as you say it.
[But all the practical advice aside--]
Everyone here has their worries, Carlisle, including yourself. You would want to know what was bothering him--no matter what is was--if you could help him by doing something as simple as listening, right? Part of love is being there for someone when needed, and you need him with you on this.
[A script. He can do a script. He writes all the time, so that shouldn't be a problem. He has pages and pages of things he's written, journals filled with drawings and musings. He can do that much, can't he?
He can try. That will be difficult enough.]
I have married a number of people, but... I cannot say I am all that familiar with matters of the heart. In my world, people with my affliction are not allowed romantic relationships. I have wondered as of late if this — if the fact that I am damning someone to watch me die — is the true reason why.
[His teeth grind, bared as he bites back his emotions once more. He can feel despair tightening his throat like a noose, welling in his eyes once more. When he speaks again, his voice is barely a whisper, so quiet in case the wrong ears might be listening.]
Am I a monster to have condemned him to this? He would tell me no, but- [and here comes the ire again, daggers aimed at himself] but I knew I was not long for this existence, and yet I still pursued this. I allowed myself to think for even a moment that- that—
[So much for his composure -- whatever it is he had to say beyond that gets lost as he buries his face in his hand, his fingers pressing deeply into his skin as he tries not to spill his tea in his lap.]
[Lance says it immediately, after Carlisle finishes, and although his voice is soft--he's struggling to control his own emotions, which is difficult when he sees someone so upset--his words are still very certain. He wishes he knew if it would be appropriate to put a hand on Carlisle's shoulder or something, but it's usually best to err on the side of no physical contact.
So instead, he tries to reassure him by addressing his fears specifically, instead of offering general statements that, although true, might sound hollow.]
I told you that I'm often involved in criminal investigations, usually involving someone who has died, and one of the first things we do is speak to their loved ones.
[And that part is, often, very difficult for everyone involved. It's hard to watch people find out they've lost someone, even for someone not as empathetic as Lance is.
But there's a very distinct point to this.]
None of them are ever regretful for the time they spent with the person they care about; they might wish it had been longer, but losing their loved one prematurely doesn't make the time they did have together suddenly not worth it. None of us are ever guaranteed any length of time, even in the best circumstances, and the whole point of life to experience and make the most of what we have. You aren't a monster, or selfish, or anything else; you're just making your time count, by living.
[Carlisle is quiet as he swallows down a lump in his throat, shuddering heavily as he wipes tears from one eye and watery ink from the other; though he's still struggling with physical and mental melancholy, he's listening, doing his best to believe what Lance says. Glacius has expressed similar sentiments on occasion, but when it's someone who doesn't know him, who isn't close and isn't biased, it somehow feels just a little more truthful. Perhaps it's because Carlisle is used to being that neutral party himself with his work in the church, or that he feels he can't trust his own mind at times.
But Lance is a doctor, and he has experience with such things. Though Carlisle is tempted to argue over the semantics of his situation versus those Lance knows... he also wants to hope. He wants so badly for this to work. He wants Glacius to understand as much as he wants his partner to live after his own, inexorable demise.]
Sorrow is, unfortunately, an inevitable part of this existence. [His voice feels small and insignificant, as he often does when anywhere but in Glacius' presence.] But... perhaps, through understanding, we can help mitigate its effects upon those we care for... and love.
[And that's more of an answer than he was able to come up with on his own. That particular L word holds such gravity for Carlisle, as though it might bring the world down around him when spoken -- given what he said earlier about the superstitions of the world in which he lived before Hadriel, he just might believe that.]
[Carlisle seems to have gotten the main point that Lance was trying to get across, and Lance is glad to hear that. He knows that he might change his mind, or lose his nerve, or any number of other things, but Lance is hopeful that maybe Carlisle's situation will be able to improve in such a simple but drastic way.
However, whether it does or doesn't, Lance wants to make it clear--]
And no matter what happens with telling your partner, you can always talk to me.
[As uncertain as he is regarding their communication regarding a few touchy subjects, Carlisle never doubts that his partner will endeavor to understand him, and will stand by his side regardless of whether or not they see eye-to-eye. How much heartbreak must he prepare Glacius for, though? And can the warrior's hearts, so strong and so proud, handle his inevitable end?
They must. This is something they're going to have to approach one day.]
Thank you, doctor. I appreciate the offer, though I never meant to paint an unflattering picture of my partner. He is... much kinder than this place deserves, and I simply want to spare him as much pain as possible, especially when it is inescapable, and he has already suffered so much.
[He genuinely does; he'd like to believe this is more of a miscommunication issue than any true selfishness, although as much as Lance tries to believe the best of people--more than many others do, even--he isn't blindly optimistic. But he does hope for the best, and maybe this will turn out well, especially if Carlisle's description of his partner is accurate.]
That's understandable, and it's admirable that you want to protect him, it's just as important for that to go the other way as well. And, if it helps, he will also benefit from you telling him in more detail about the situation; it might initially be painful to discuss it, but an issue like this creates... Kind of a distance, between people, even if only subconsciously. The less you're holding all of this to yourself, the closer you'll both be able to be, and it will make the time you have together more fulfilling.
[And there may be less regrets for them both, for things left undone or unsaid, once it comes to an end.]
[Carlisle nods, hoping what Lance says is as true as Glacius' own word. Not everyone is as unflinchingly honest as the alien is -- himself included, if this entire conversation is any indication. He doesn't want distance between them, though, not when he's fought so hard for them to be closer.
As usual, he is the one holding them back. He paws at his chest, the talisman below his sweater offering him no comfort from his inner demons.]
[Partially because it may be unethical to do so--there are certain things a psychologist shouldn't mention during a counseling session, for certain reasons--and partially because Lance is just a secretive person in general. But he doesn't mind Carlisle asking, even if he may not answer whatever the question might be.]
Have you ever been in a relationship? Or anything where you felt as though you would ruin it at a moment's notice? That it was too precious and too good for someone like you to have, and that- that if it were taken away, you would have been a fool for ever thinking you deserved it in the first place?
[Lance is quiet a moment at the question, considering it, because it's somewhat borderline of a case on if it's okay to answer. But Lance has mostly resolved this issue within himself already, and his current problems that have to do with his relationship are not about this subject, so he thinks it's okay to answer especially if it helps Carlisle.]
Yes, to everything, more than once. But I've been wrong every time.
That's something I can't really tell you, because those thoughts--the fear, and self-doubt--are often more internal than external. Only you can truly know if you're being objective, or if you're seeing what your mind is telling you that you should be seeing.
[It's usually the latter for Lance, and judging by what he knows of Carlisle and his personality type he's willing to bet that might be the case for him too. Even if it's not entirely that, it's probably a lot of it.]
[The question is not a hugely surprising one, because it's one Lance has asked a few times himself; sometimes he still doubts his own judgment or ability to view a situation without warping it, although he's gotten a lot better at being able to gauge that. But he understands the issue Carlisle is asking about very well.]
That's one of the reasons psychologists exist, at least in my world; we're here to help guide people through a problem or situation, especially if they don't trust themselves to be objective. But you don't necessarily have to talk to a psychologist; the input and opinions of someone you trust can often help, as long as you truly believe they mean what they say.
But, ultimately, it comes down to allowing yourself to be proven wrong. If you go into a situation believing you don't deserve it, you'll only see every reason why you're right, unless you're willing to accept that maybe that isn't true after all.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2017-12-31 05:07 am (UTC)But one of those issues is similar, in a way, to what Carlisle is dealing with, so he has a great deal of empathy for what little he understands about the situation. What Carlisle says, though, is a bit surprising, because that's... An even more limited time than he expected.]
What makes you believe that?
[It isn't incredulous or questioning of the assessment; he just genuinely wants to know more about what's going on, so that he can better help.]
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Date: 2017-12-31 05:17 am (UTC)[And the last part is what he's still adjusting to.]
And an effect of it is an aural tear within me. I... only recently discovered it, as it is a fairly unusual anomaly even in my world- as unusual as being cursed in this way. I... I don't suppose you have those where you come from. Curses or aural tears or... um. Afflictions or the causes of such things.
[His expression hardens as he does his best to remain impassive despite the grim topic.]
I have known I was likely to die fairly young for some time now. People with this condition do not live long for many reasons. I expect that tear will be mine.
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Date: 2017-12-31 05:26 am (UTC)But the general idea is simple enough, and so is the end result. So Lance nods, to show he understands, before asking quietly--]
Has it been getting worse lately?
[He presumes so, considering all the other hints so far.]
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Date: 2017-12-31 05:32 am (UTC)[Carlisle stares down his tea before taking a drink. The steam, while it may open his sinuses a bit, does nothing to clear his head the way he'd hoped.]
Were it a curable condition, I'd have treated it by now, but... matters of individual energy and the soul are quite difficult, even for those experienced in them. I could have all the world's energy at my fingertips, and still, it would drain me until there is nothing left of myself.
[And in a way, he has that excess energy with Glacius' Mote. It allows him to keep healing, gives him the strength he needs when he finds himself weary; however, it can only do so much against the abyssal maw eating away at him from within.]
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Date: 2017-12-31 05:44 am (UTC)[It sounds like Carlisle's already considered that possibility, but Lance can't in good conscience not ask him on the off chance he hasn't.]
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Date: 2017-12-31 05:47 am (UTC)[And if the way he says that is any indication, he's not super fond of necromancy.]
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Date: 2017-12-31 06:03 am (UTC)[And making that decision himself is important; if curing his condition is possible but goes against his morals--as it seems from that reaction that it might--it could end up not being worth it mentally and emotionally. There are, after all, a lot of reasons why people might refuse treatment for more mundane illnesses, let alone something like this.
And all of that established and said, the time is appropriate to offer something just as important as any advice might be.]
I'm sorry this is something you have to deal with. Issues like this are incredibly difficult, for a multitude of reasons, especially without support. Does anyone else know about this?
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Date: 2017-12-31 06:17 am (UTC)Perhaps his goddess will answer him about this, he ponders inwardly with an outward sigh.]
I have tried to tell my partner, but... the topic isn't one that is easy to discuss. I don't think he wants to hear it, for fear he will lose heart in this place.
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Date: 2017-12-31 06:36 am (UTC)So it takes several seconds before he figures out the right way to put this without making Carlisle feel a need to defend or justify his partner's emotions, while still giving the advice that is necessary.]
It's understandable that this is a difficult topic, for both of you. But is isn't something that will go away as long as it isn't talked about; it's still there, and I doubt you have the luxury of much time passing without thinking about.
[Lance knows he thinks about his own fate at home often, and he no longer even has any sort of reminders--like Carlisle's physical symptoms--to prompt those thoughts.]
As hard as it might be for your partner to accept, especially initially, talking about and facing this issue together is incredibly important. It will improve the quality of your life immensely to not be dealing with this alone, and the better you feel the more meaningful your time together can be.
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Date: 2017-12-31 06:45 am (UTC)[Oh, it seems like Carlisle is going to justify how Glacius feels anyway, or maybe he's just telling himself that, as he has clearly done several times before. The excuses come so readily.]
He worries about me. He worries about her. He worries about everyone he would consider a friend, and how this place and its false gods affect them. He worries about his home, and what has happened to it in his absence, and if he'll ever see it again, or if we'll ever see it together. He wants to deal with the problems he left behind, and then come find me, should we be returned to our respective worlds, but what if he arrives and I'm already dead? Or should I wither here, what will happen? I've seen the depths of his despair when- when this friend of ours vanished the first time, and how will she respond if I'm the one who is gone?
[Well, so much for that composure. His hands are back to shaking; he realizes it and tries to calm down, but it's hard to hide how deeply bothered he is by all this.]
I- I know you're right, but it's... I don't know when the time is appropriate to bring up such sobering topics.
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Date: 2017-12-31 07:13 am (UTC)But there are certain details in what Carlisle says that stand out more than the overall response, especially the part about his partner wanting to resolve other issues before going to find Carlisle, should they be separated. That stands out a red flag that Lance hopes is not exactly as it sounds, and he taps his own fingers against the mug of tea a few times in a small gesture of agitation, before he makes himself stop.]
An appropriate time would be whenever you are both home, without any pressing, immediate tasks or errands. Bring up needing to talk just like you did with me, and write yourself a script if it helps you get through saying everything you want to; it's sometimes easier to discuss an emotional topic if you can just read, rather than thinking too much about what you're saying as you say it.
[But all the practical advice aside--]
Everyone here has their worries, Carlisle, including yourself. You would want to know what was bothering him--no matter what is was--if you could help him by doing something as simple as listening, right? Part of love is being there for someone when needed, and you need him with you on this.
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Date: 2017-12-31 07:33 am (UTC)He can try. That will be difficult enough.]
I have married a number of people, but... I cannot say I am all that familiar with matters of the heart. In my world, people with my affliction are not allowed romantic relationships. I have wondered as of late if this — if the fact that I am damning someone to watch me die — is the true reason why.
[His teeth grind, bared as he bites back his emotions once more. He can feel despair tightening his throat like a noose, welling in his eyes once more. When he speaks again, his voice is barely a whisper, so quiet in case the wrong ears might be listening.]
Am I a monster to have condemned him to this? He would tell me no, but- [and here comes the ire again, daggers aimed at himself] but I knew I was not long for this existence, and yet I still pursued this. I allowed myself to think for even a moment that- that—
[So much for his composure -- whatever it is he had to say beyond that gets lost as he buries his face in his hand, his fingers pressing deeply into his skin as he tries not to spill his tea in his lap.]
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Date: 2017-12-31 08:02 am (UTC)[Lance says it immediately, after Carlisle finishes, and although his voice is soft--he's struggling to control his own emotions, which is difficult when he sees someone so upset--his words are still very certain. He wishes he knew if it would be appropriate to put a hand on Carlisle's shoulder or something, but it's usually best to err on the side of no physical contact.
So instead, he tries to reassure him by addressing his fears specifically, instead of offering general statements that, although true, might sound hollow.]
I told you that I'm often involved in criminal investigations, usually involving someone who has died, and one of the first things we do is speak to their loved ones.
[And that part is, often, very difficult for everyone involved. It's hard to watch people find out they've lost someone, even for someone not as empathetic as Lance is.
But there's a very distinct point to this.]
None of them are ever regretful for the time they spent with the person they care about; they might wish it had been longer, but losing their loved one prematurely doesn't make the time they did have together suddenly not worth it. None of us are ever guaranteed any length of time, even in the best circumstances, and the whole point of life to experience and make the most of what we have. You aren't a monster, or selfish, or anything else; you're just making your time count, by living.
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Date: 2017-12-31 08:25 am (UTC)But Lance is a doctor, and he has experience with such things. Though Carlisle is tempted to argue over the semantics of his situation versus those Lance knows... he also wants to hope. He wants so badly for this to work. He wants Glacius to understand as much as he wants his partner to live after his own, inexorable demise.]
Sorrow is, unfortunately, an inevitable part of this existence. [His voice feels small and insignificant, as he often does when anywhere but in Glacius' presence.] But... perhaps, through understanding, we can help mitigate its effects upon those we care for... and love.
[And that's more of an answer than he was able to come up with on his own. That particular L word holds such gravity for Carlisle, as though it might bring the world down around him when spoken -- given what he said earlier about the superstitions of the world in which he lived before Hadriel, he just might believe that.]
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Date: 2017-12-31 11:25 pm (UTC)[Carlisle seems to have gotten the main point that Lance was trying to get across, and Lance is glad to hear that. He knows that he might change his mind, or lose his nerve, or any number of other things, but Lance is hopeful that maybe Carlisle's situation will be able to improve in such a simple but drastic way.
However, whether it does or doesn't, Lance wants to make it clear--]
And no matter what happens with telling your partner, you can always talk to me.
[He doesn't have to deal with alone.]
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Date: 2018-01-01 08:49 am (UTC)[As uncertain as he is regarding their communication regarding a few touchy subjects, Carlisle never doubts that his partner will endeavor to understand him, and will stand by his side regardless of whether or not they see eye-to-eye. How much heartbreak must he prepare Glacius for, though? And can the warrior's hearts, so strong and so proud, handle his inevitable end?
They must. This is something they're going to have to approach one day.]
Thank you, doctor. I appreciate the offer, though I never meant to paint an unflattering picture of my partner. He is... much kinder than this place deserves, and I simply want to spare him as much pain as possible, especially when it is inescapable, and he has already suffered so much.
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Date: 2018-01-03 12:48 am (UTC)[He genuinely does; he'd like to believe this is more of a miscommunication issue than any true selfishness, although as much as Lance tries to believe the best of people--more than many others do, even--he isn't blindly optimistic. But he does hope for the best, and maybe this will turn out well, especially if Carlisle's description of his partner is accurate.]
That's understandable, and it's admirable that you want to protect him, it's just as important for that to go the other way as well. And, if it helps, he will also benefit from you telling him in more detail about the situation; it might initially be painful to discuss it, but an issue like this creates... Kind of a distance, between people, even if only subconsciously. The less you're holding all of this to yourself, the closer you'll both be able to be, and it will make the time you have together more fulfilling.
[And there may be less regrets for them both, for things left undone or unsaid, once it comes to an end.]
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Date: 2018-01-03 01:01 am (UTC)As usual, he is the one holding them back. He paws at his chest, the talisman below his sweater offering him no comfort from his inner demons.]
May I ask you a personal question, doctor?
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Date: 2018-01-03 01:04 am (UTC)[Partially because it may be unethical to do so--there are certain things a psychologist shouldn't mention during a counseling session, for certain reasons--and partially because Lance is just a secretive person in general. But he doesn't mind Carlisle asking, even if he may not answer whatever the question might be.]
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Date: 2018-01-03 01:13 am (UTC)[It's the same for a confessional, after all.]
Have you ever been in a relationship? Or anything where you felt as though you would ruin it at a moment's notice? That it was too precious and too good for someone like you to have, and that- that if it were taken away, you would have been a fool for ever thinking you deserved it in the first place?
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Date: 2018-01-03 01:18 am (UTC)Yes, to everything, more than once. But I've been wrong every time.
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Date: 2018-01-03 01:22 am (UTC)[For someone who has lost many and helped others grieve, he's never quite learned how to do it properly himself.]
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Date: 2018-01-03 02:29 am (UTC)[It's usually the latter for Lance, and judging by what he knows of Carlisle and his personality type he's willing to bet that might be the case for him too. Even if it's not entirely that, it's probably a lot of it.]
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Date: 2018-01-03 02:58 am (UTC)[A second's hesitation. He chews his lip.]
What if you don't trust your own mind?
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Date: 2018-01-03 03:44 am (UTC)That's one of the reasons psychologists exist, at least in my world; we're here to help guide people through a problem or situation, especially if they don't trust themselves to be objective. But you don't necessarily have to talk to a psychologist; the input and opinions of someone you trust can often help, as long as you truly believe they mean what they say.
But, ultimately, it comes down to allowing yourself to be proven wrong. If you go into a situation believing you don't deserve it, you'll only see every reason why you're right, unless you're willing to accept that maybe that isn't true after all.
[And that's often the most difficult part.]
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