[...Huh. Okay, still a bit of a surprise what she actually wants to talk about--and that she'd talk to him about it, because sure he's a psychologist but it's not like they know each other well and this isn't a formal meeting--but at least the whole thing makes sense. He just wishes he had a simple answer for her.
But instead he's silent several seconds, considering exactly what she said and how before he answers.]
I hesitate to say it's not normal, considering how these events seem to go and how we were compelled to compete. But can you tell me more about how exactly you felt?
[Saying that she saw everyone as target practice doesn't necessarily say a lot, and that's even if she's not just putting it that way to cover up how she'd actually felt during the event. So he wants to try to get a better picture overall.]
( It's all a bit rhetorical, really. Because she knows it isn't normal. Somewhere, deep, deep down. Nothing she learned to survive The Agency could really be called normal by any stretch of the imagination.
She stares at her drink a little longer.
The only thing it reflects is herself, nothing of that bleak possibility for her future.
But she can feel it anyway, gnawing at the back of her mind along with that coldness she embraced during the paintball - that old, familiar friend that made a lot of things so much easier. )
... None of it affected me. ( Even after she watched the first person fall to her paintball gun, she just moved onto the next. She bantered with people while trying to shoot them, but when it came time to succeed- ) Ever done shootin' simulations or owt?
( Moving targets that aren't actual things, and it's easy to shoot them. )
[He's patient while Kate stares at her drink, trying not to stare too intently even as he watches her movements and expressions so he can try to read between the lines of what she actually says, although what she does say makes sense especially given the analogy. Not only that, but he thinks it's similar to how he felt during the event, if perhaps a little more so.
So he nods to show he understands but asks a different question next, more as a lead up to what he really wants to get at, but it's important to start here.]
Are you naturally competitive already? Before this?
( Well, good job, Lance. We guess. Because that actually got Kate to snort with amusement.
Maybe. )
One way of putting it.
( She's pretty sure that a competitive nature is more a prerequisite for athletics than actually being naturally athletic. )
Would show you th' medals but they're all back home.
( Because sometimes, when a girl makes a - frankly ridiculous - decision like trying to talk to a shrink, she needs to make a dry comment or two to make herself feel better. )
[Hey, he'll take it. And he offers a small smile of his own in return, at her comments, not surprised at all; he'd guessed the answer before he'd asked the question, after all.]
What did you like to compete in?
[He asks it both because he's curious and because he'd like to give her a chance to talk about something she--he presumes, at least--enjoyed, and also as a nice distraction before the heavier question he has in mind for next.]
( The distraction's a welcome one, despite the fact that Kate sought Lance out to talk about the hard shit and knows she'll have to broach it if he doesn't. It doesn't make the idea of doing so any easier, especially for someone who's spent so many years simply not talking about it. Or much of anything.
She takes another drink before answering. )
Sprints. Triple jump. Did a bit of everythin' but competed in them.
( She liked a lot of sports, but nothing quite as much and those two. )
[Talking about serious things, especially those that involve being vulnerable, is always difficult and stressful. Lance definitely understands that, not just from being a psychologist but from attending counseling as a patient himself. But it can definitely be made more stressful than it actually needs to be if it's handled improperly, and although not always successful Lance does try to make things as easy as possible.
Her answer is one that he actually knows something about himself, which he wasn't expecting, although more the former part of it than the latter.]
That's pretty awesome. I wasn't great or anything, but I competed a little in track while I was in college. Not sprints, though.
[Sprints are painful. He was much better at endurance events.]
( Her brows raise slightly. Competing does mean something, even if you don't think you're all that great, and that's enough to distract her completely. Nowadays her endurance is much better, but it's that initial burst of speed that's always felt the best and most freeing. Maintaining is duller, more of an ache. )
[He nods, allowing the distraction to continue a little more for now, although he hasn't forgotten the point of the conversation.]
Yeah. I did as a part of my job, and I'm getting back into it here.
[After kind of a forced vacation from the activity due to a ton of broken bones, but now that he's had some magical healing he mostly just needs to get back into practice.]
Yes. I work in the major crimes division, so mostly in handling murder cases. The psychologist thing led to doing criminal profiling which led to being an agent.
[Well, that's a question he isn't often asked, and it's one that, if he's honest, he isn't sure how to answer.
So he takes another drink, giving himself a moment to think about it, before giving an honest but reserved answer.]
I enjoy it when things go right.
[And, often, they do. But when they don't, the consequences are much more serious than in a lot of careers.
But this conversation is not about him, and this entire line of discussion gives him an opening to ask a question related to the one he really wants to get to.]
( That makes sense. It isn't just following your passion, a job like that. It's a responsibility that weighs heavy on your shoulders.
But wrong tense, Lance.
Kate gestures around at the clinic in response. This is what she does, except the clinics back home are better equipped and properly designed for healing. Her brow raises as she takes a sip of the drink. It's no mystery, even to Kate, where this specific reaction came from, though, and she exhales, placing her glass on the desk, folding her hands in her lap. )
Used to - ( fittingly, perhaps, for their last topic of conversation ) - be a field agent for supernatural law enforcement.
( Yes, you can practically hear the airquotes around law enforcement. That wasn't exactly the story when she worked there. )
[Ah, well, it turns out for the best; now he gets to know what she does now, what she did before, and that she chose to make the change. The idea of supernatural law enforcement isn't too weird--implied airquotes aside--because he's heard about the same thing from Harlan, and it only makes sense that places with magic or supernatural abilities would have special police.
He decides not to ask directly about her previous job, but instead--]
( The non-answer is automatic, almost defensive in its tone. Truth is, there's so many reasons for the change that explaining would take ages. She settles for the one reason that she's given before, why she chose this line of work over anything else. )
[He went into psychology because he wanted to do something to be useful and help people, and being an agent is not exactly much of a departure from that; he wonders why she might not have considered her previous line of work to be.
But all of this is enough to lead back a little onto the main topic.]
Was your last job very stressful?
[If it's anything like his, he presumes so, but he supposes she could work at a desk. He doubts it, but eh.]
( Judging by the snort she lets out before taking another drink- )
Aye.
( The clinic here has more than enough stressors, but she'd still rather deal with it in all its patchworkiness during a disaster than return to that. )
Was it also one of those jobs where if you made a mistake, there were serious consequences?
[Again, he presumes so, but just making sure. This also serves the purpose of laying out the explanation for what will likely be his final conclusion on the original issue she brought up.]
That actually catches her off guard, because for all the things she thinks about when The Agency floats back to her mind, the consequences of mistakes are rarely among the top priorities. The mistakes of moral, yes. The terror of a cave in-
That's one kind of consequence, she supposes.
Rosenberg's bitching at them would be another. Her punishments and sadism, yes. )
[He watches her reaction, trying to get more a sense for her response than was given by the actual words she said, but even that is enough. Lance is quiet a few moments.]
Competitiveness is often thought to be related to pride and ego, in that someone wants to win to make themselves feel capable or important, or to gain admiration. And for some people, this is the motivator.
[Again he pauses briefly, deciding how to word the rest in a way that will say enough but not too much, and not come across in a way that might make her feed defensive.]
But it can also be something that comes out of a fear of the consequences for losing, or even just not being the very best. People who have jobs-or are or have been in other life situations--that require being the best in some way, particularly if their well-being is involved, tend to have that sort of competitiveness ingrained in them as a survival mechanism. That can make it extremely difficult to control, even in a situation that has no real consequences for losing.
[And, the main point being--]
If that's enhanced or amplified by an outside influence, like happened in the event, then it's not unexpected or abnormal that it might spiral out of control.
( She's quiet through the explanation, the sense that's being said accepted with a wordless nod of the head. Sure. That... could explain it.
But, more to the point - )
How do I fix it, then?
( It's a shitty feeling to realise that you went through the days of the competition seeing people as little more than moving target signs. That same coldness that let her kill Faith's double after Faith herself had been murdered. )
[He hesitates at the question; although he's glad she didn't react poorly to his explanation, he's not entirely sure how to actually answer what she asked.]
Normally, I would tell have some suggestions. But considering the event involved an external influence, rather than being truly a part of your own mind and mental state, it's a lot less clear.
[He doesn't want to say that there's nothing they can do, because he doesn't think that's true. But he does know that this is a very different situation than he's used to, and it isn't as simple--not that it's particularly simple, and certainly not as much as some people might thing--as just controlling your own reactions.
And, aside from all of that, there's another problem in trying to give her advice on this subject.]
I was also affected very strongly by the event, so I'm not sure I'm the best person to ask.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
action.
Date: 2017-10-04 11:33 pm (UTC)But instead he's silent several seconds, considering exactly what she said and how before he answers.]
I hesitate to say it's not normal, considering how these events seem to go and how we were compelled to compete. But can you tell me more about how exactly you felt?
[Saying that she saw everyone as target practice doesn't necessarily say a lot, and that's even if she's not just putting it that way to cover up how she'd actually felt during the event. So he wants to try to get a better picture overall.]
action.
Date: 2017-10-05 12:08 am (UTC)She stares at her drink a little longer.
The only thing it reflects is herself, nothing of that bleak possibility for her future.
But she can feel it anyway, gnawing at the back of her mind along with that coldness she embraced during the paintball - that old, familiar friend that made a lot of things so much easier. )
... None of it affected me. ( Even after she watched the first person fall to her paintball gun, she just moved onto the next. She bantered with people while trying to shoot them, but when it came time to succeed- ) Ever done shootin' simulations or owt?
( Moving targets that aren't actual things, and it's easy to shoot them. )
Guess it were summat like that.
action.
Date: 2017-10-05 12:20 am (UTC)So he nods to show he understands but asks a different question next, more as a lead up to what he really wants to get at, but it's important to start here.]
Are you naturally competitive already? Before this?
action.
Date: 2017-10-05 12:27 am (UTC)Maybe. )
One way of putting it.
( She's pretty sure that a competitive nature is more a prerequisite for athletics than actually being naturally athletic. )
Would show you th' medals but they're all back home.
( Because sometimes, when a girl makes a - frankly ridiculous - decision like trying to talk to a shrink, she needs to make a dry comment or two to make herself feel better. )
action.
Date: 2017-10-05 12:37 am (UTC)What did you like to compete in?
[He asks it both because he's curious and because he'd like to give her a chance to talk about something she--he presumes, at least--enjoyed, and also as a nice distraction before the heavier question he has in mind for next.]
action.
Date: 2017-10-05 07:09 pm (UTC)She takes another drink before answering. )
Sprints. Triple jump. Did a bit of everythin' but competed in them.
( She liked a lot of sports, but nothing quite as much and those two. )
action.
Date: 2017-10-05 07:18 pm (UTC)Her answer is one that he actually knows something about himself, which he wasn't expecting, although more the former part of it than the latter.]
That's pretty awesome. I wasn't great or anything, but I competed a little in track while I was in college. Not sprints, though.
[Sprints are painful. He was much better at endurance events.]
action.
Date: 2017-10-05 10:22 pm (UTC)( Her brows raise slightly. Competing does mean something, even if you don't think you're all that great, and that's enough to distract her completely. Nowadays her endurance is much better, but it's that initial burst of speed that's always felt the best and most freeing. Maintaining is duller, more of an ache. )
action.
Date: 2017-10-05 10:31 pm (UTC)Yeah. I did as a part of my job, and I'm getting back into it here.
[After kind of a forced vacation from the activity due to a ton of broken bones, but now that he's had some magical healing he mostly just needs to get back into practice.]
action.
Date: 2017-10-05 10:49 pm (UTC)( Excuse her, Sweets. That's just... a little hard to swallow. No offence, but she expects a shrink to be not all that active, really.
But magical healing is very helpful like that, it's true. )
action.
Date: 2017-10-05 10:56 pm (UTC)Oh, no, I meant one of my other jobs.
[He has too many it's bad.]
I'm also an FBI agent. Does the FBI exist where you're from?
[Because if not that explanation isn't actually going to help.]
action.
Date: 2017-10-05 11:07 pm (UTC)She blinks and nods, but- )
Government agency?
( Just because the FBI exists doesn't mean it's the same FBI, right? )
action.
Date: 2017-10-05 11:09 pm (UTC)Yes. I work in the major crimes division, so mostly in handling murder cases. The psychologist thing led to doing criminal profiling which led to being an agent.
action.
Date: 2017-10-05 11:40 pm (UTC)You enjoy it?
( It's a hell of a change, true, but isn't that the most important part. )
action.
Date: 2017-10-05 11:44 pm (UTC)So he takes another drink, giving himself a moment to think about it, before giving an honest but reserved answer.]
I enjoy it when things go right.
[And, often, they do. But when they don't, the consequences are much more serious than in a lot of careers.
But this conversation is not about him, and this entire line of discussion gives him an opening to ask a question related to the one he really wants to get to.]
What do you do, back in your world?
action.
Date: 2017-10-06 03:34 pm (UTC)But wrong tense, Lance.
Kate gestures around at the clinic in response. This is what she does, except the clinics back home are better equipped and properly designed for healing. Her brow raises as she takes a sip of the drink. It's no mystery, even to Kate, where this specific reaction came from, though, and she exhales, placing her glass on the desk, folding her hands in her lap. )
Used to - ( fittingly, perhaps, for their last topic of conversation ) - be a field agent for supernatural law enforcement.
( Yes, you can practically hear the airquotes around law enforcement. That wasn't exactly the story when she worked there. )
action.
Date: 2017-10-06 06:40 pm (UTC)He decides not to ask directly about her previous job, but instead--]
Why the change?
action.
Date: 2017-10-06 08:53 pm (UTC)( The non-answer is automatic, almost defensive in its tone. Truth is, there's so many reasons for the change that explaining would take ages. She settles for the one reason that she's given before, why she chose this line of work over anything else. )
Wanted to do summat constructive.
action.
Date: 2017-10-06 11:44 pm (UTC)[He went into psychology because he wanted to do something to be useful and help people, and being an agent is not exactly much of a departure from that; he wonders why she might not have considered her previous line of work to be.
But all of this is enough to lead back a little onto the main topic.]
Was your last job very stressful?
[If it's anything like his, he presumes so, but he supposes she could work at a desk. He doubts it, but eh.]
action.
Date: 2017-10-06 11:51 pm (UTC)Aye.
( The clinic here has more than enough stressors, but she'd still rather deal with it in all its patchworkiness during a disaster than return to that. )
action.
Date: 2017-10-07 12:00 am (UTC)Was it also one of those jobs where if you made a mistake, there were serious consequences?
[Again, he presumes so, but just making sure. This also serves the purpose of laying out the explanation for what will likely be his final conclusion on the original issue she brought up.]
action.
Date: 2017-10-07 12:10 am (UTC)That actually catches her off guard, because for all the things she thinks about when The Agency floats back to her mind, the consequences of mistakes are rarely among the top priorities. The mistakes of moral, yes. The terror of a cave in-
That's one kind of consequence, she supposes.
Rosenberg's bitching at them would be another. Her punishments and sadism, yes. )
Guess so.
( Dungeon Duty was hell. )
action.
Date: 2017-10-07 12:20 am (UTC)Competitiveness is often thought to be related to pride and ego, in that someone wants to win to make themselves feel capable or important, or to gain admiration. And for some people, this is the motivator.
[Again he pauses briefly, deciding how to word the rest in a way that will say enough but not too much, and not come across in a way that might make her feed defensive.]
But it can also be something that comes out of a fear of the consequences for losing, or even just not being the very best. People who have jobs-or are or have been in other life situations--that require being the best in some way, particularly if their well-being is involved, tend to have that sort of competitiveness ingrained in them as a survival mechanism. That can make it extremely difficult to control, even in a situation that has no real consequences for losing.
[And, the main point being--]
If that's enhanced or amplified by an outside influence, like happened in the event, then it's not unexpected or abnormal that it might spiral out of control.
action.
Date: 2017-10-08 06:08 pm (UTC)But, more to the point - )
How do I fix it, then?
( It's a shitty feeling to realise that you went through the days of the competition seeing people as little more than moving target signs. That same coldness that let her kill Faith's double after Faith herself had been murdered. )
action.
Date: 2017-10-10 01:41 am (UTC)Normally, I would tell have some suggestions. But considering the event involved an external influence, rather than being truly a part of your own mind and mental state, it's a lot less clear.
[He doesn't want to say that there's nothing they can do, because he doesn't think that's true. But he does know that this is a very different situation than he's used to, and it isn't as simple--not that it's particularly simple, and certainly not as much as some people might thing--as just controlling your own reactions.
And, aside from all of that, there's another problem in trying to give her advice on this subject.]
I was also affected very strongly by the event, so I'm not sure I'm the best person to ask.
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