[The part about shinigami and supernatural notebooks that can kill is the most ridiculous part of the story, so it's little wonder Mello's concerned about being taken seriously on the subject. Near was easy to convince, using the reasoning that if Mello were to lie, he would make up something that sounded more reasonable - they were both trained under the same system, so in that respect, they knew each other too well.]
There were two notebooks in play, actually. I'd acquired one, and Kira had the other. In order to kill, the notebook's owner needed two pieces, their intended victim's face, and their true name. "Mello" isn't my real name, of course, but that was a safety measure put into place by the orphanage, well before Kira ever came to power. None of us knew each other's real names, and it wasn't really important - we were encouraged, maybe not explicitly but implicitly, to forget our pasts and focus on our training, on who we might become.
[He pauses, chewing on the black-painted nail of his index finger while deciding on the best phrasing for the next part of the story.]
I didn't have the notebook in my possession for long - Kira and his forces, which included law enforcement, stormed my safe house in order to reclaim it. I was cornered by one of those agents, after he'd taken possession of the notebook, and he was able to discover my name. Now, as far as I'm aware, that name should have remained a secret - I'm not even sure the orphanage kept it on file, once I'd been placed there. No one should have been able to find it. But there was, of course, something a loophole - when you became the owner of a shinigami's notebook, you had the option of making a deal for the shinigami's sight, which would tell you the name and remaining life span of anyone whose face you clearly saw. This man who had me cornered had made such a deal, so all he had to do was look at me, and he knew my name. He had the notebook in his hands, and he could've killed me in less than a minute.
[But he hadn't. Soichiro Yagami had tried to convince Mello to give himself up, right to the end.]
He didn't kill me, obviously - he was a good man, I think, except for being mixed up in Kira's war. I asked him if he'd ever actually killed anyone before. He hesitated, and one of my associates created a diversion. I was able to escape, but I had to blow up the entire building to do so.
[Thus the scar over the side of his face. No need to draw attention to it; Mello has no doubt Lance is smart enough to fit those pieces together.]
I lost everything, that night - the notebook, all the resources I'd built. But I was determined to keep fighting. I kept monitoring Kira and his agents, and Near did the same. One of Near's people was feeding me information about their progress - it may've even been Near's idea, so he could keep an eye on what my moves were. But when she told me about Near's plan to face Kira in person and trick him into showing his hand by writing a name in the notebook, I ...
[He trails off, looks away, frowns deeply. It's been more than a year, and it's still hard to remember the moment he made the decision to end his life in service of stopping Kira.]
You see, one of the ways in which Kira was able to operate for so long is that he had proxies. I'd come to the conclusion that there were two such individuals, and only one of them was using the real notebook. The other, the one that Near and his team had focused on, was using an elaborate fake. If Near had faced Kira as he intended, he and his team would've been killed, because Near had failed to consider the possibility that the notebook this proxy was using was a fake - an effective piece of misdirection. And I decided I couldn't allow that to happen. I decided ... Near had to be shown that there was a fake notebook. And the only person who could do that was me. I planned to kidnap his second proxy, the one who was carrying out the executions in secret, in order to trick the other into revealing the location of the real notebook. I figured ... she must've been told my real name, so all I would have to do is show her my face. Then she could write my name down, and ...
[Well, no need to finish that sentence. He shrugs. It's pretty obvious what would happen, with his name and face and a piece of the notebook in her possession.]
I was brought here the day before I'd intended to put that plan into action.
[The whole thing is... Complicated to say the least, especially considering he's unfamiliar with the situation and hasn't had much of a chance for it all to sink in yet, but this is one of those areas where his high intelligence really actively aids him. So the story makes sense, for the most part anyway, and the most important aspects regarding the subject at hand--and Mello motivations and mental state--are as clear as they can be with such limited information.
Now that the story itself seems finished, Lance takes a moment to mentally go over a few parts and sort out how to respond and what to focus on first, but as he does that there's something very obvious to address before anything else.]
I'm sorry you had to make a decision like that.
[Being in the position to have to do so, and then choosing that particular option, couldn't have been easy and, more than that, it must be very lonely, in a way. It's important to acknowledge that, especially because he gets the distinct impression that Mello doesn't place as high a value on his own life as he perhaps should.]
[He's not good at accepting sympathy, though he's arguably better at it than he used to be - thank Sharon for her somewhat normalizing influence, showing him the way back to being a human being instead of a broken machine. So he doesn't freeze up or lash out at Lance for saying what he does, as he might have done a year ago, even though the words make him feel uncomfortable. His mouth presses into a thin line, not quite a frown, and he nods soberly in acknowledgement.]
The world is not a perfect place, Dr. Sweets - I'm sure you know that better than most. People often have to make difficult decisions, especially in extreme circumstances. For example, my father - I don't remember much about him, he was killed when I was very young - but he was a soldier. I imagine he probably had to make some very difficult decisions during the course of the war that eventually claimed his life.
[Like father, like son, perhaps. Mello may not have been a soldier in the traditional sense, and the battle to defeat Kira may not have been the kind of war most people would understand as such, but it's not such a stretch for Mello to view it this way. He sits back in the chair, arms folded over his chest, and shrugs again.]
Some causes are more important than individual lives. I recognized that in the grand scheme, I was ultimately an expendable piece on the board. No one else would have been able to do what I'd planned. No one else could have done it.
[Again, Lance listens carefully, although he's actually paying far less attention to the words than to Mello's expressions and tone; like Mello said, Lance knows all of this already except for the specific information about Mello's father, which he makes mental note of.]
Of course. You're right, and logically that all makes sense.
[He says it understandingly, not judging or pitying, but his choice of words is deliberate.]
But even when the correct choice is logically obvious, that still doesn't mean actually making it is simple. Especially in a case where someone's life--such as your own--is at stake; no amount of knowing it's the right thing to do eliminates the effect it has on someone mentally and emotionally.
[And he presumes those effects are probably still lingering, and even if they're not the reason Mello wanted to talk to him about it's worth acknowledging them. It's also important to mention another thing as well--]
There's also a difference between choosing to make a sacrifice and considering yourself expendable.
[It's a subtle distinction, but an incredibly important one.]
[Much like the factors that led to Mello making his decision. He considers what Lance has said, mouth a tight frown as he falls silent. Did his choice create a lasting effect on him? There was no time to dwell on it, once he decided; he had just a few days to cobble together his final stratagem, settle in his mind what few affairs he had left in the world he intended to leave behind. He didn't expect to live this long past that decision, and he hasn't taken the time to think about it much during the time he's been here - too many other crises to navigate.]
What effect would that be? The mental and emotional effect of choosing such a path, I mean.
For most people, that would be a traumatic event. But, again, how someone reacts to trauma varies depending on individual and the nature of the situation.
[He frowns, left hand closing around the rosary that hangs around his neck.]
I'm no stranger to trauma, Dr. Sweets, and I don't mean just what I've experienced here in the past year. I - I manage what I've experienced.
[That's probably the single biggest lie Mello's currently telling himself. He doesn't manage; he ignores, compartmentalizes, distracts, finds something else on which to focus his energy and attention. Like he's doing now, breezing entirely over the issue and pushing ahead at full steam.]
The crux of the argument as to whether I've been brainwashed by my upbringing is the choice I made to serve as a sacrifice. But it was a rational decision. I weighed my options carefully. It was necessary.
[Lance gives him a significant look for that first part, the expression clearly indicating that Lance knows, and expects Mello to know on some level, that managing is not the same as healing and moving forward. But this is, as Mello says, not the issue he's here to deal with, and he thinks pushing too much too soon will be detrimental and so he decides to leave this subject alone for now.
Besides, he's going to have enough problem with the main one, and he's quiet several seconds as he decides how to respond. Although he would normally want to put things very delicately and lightly, he thinks being more direct--so as not to come across as pitying or patronizing--might be the most effective.]
I don't doubt that it made perfect sense to you. And I can't say for sure that it didn't made sense overall.
[But that said--]
However, the way you talk about the decision concerns me. So do the circumstances of how you ended up in the program that you were a part of, and the very narrow focus you were taught to direct your entire life toward achieving. It's also telling that children were selected for trying to achieve these goals, rather than simply retraining adults who might already have life experience that could benefit them.
[And that's just a short list of disturbing things about this entire situation. But it all leads to one conclusion.]
Although I can't say definitively after only one discussion and without knowing more about your world than what you've told me, yes, I think it's very likely that your upbringing altered your ability to view the situation, and therefore makes decisions, objectively.
[And now to hope Mello takes being told something he might not want to hear better than some of the other people he's dealt with in Hadriel so far.]
[... Oh. Well. That's not actually the answer Mello expected to hear. He'd gone into this convinced that his answer was correct, that Sharon was wrong and L was - he's not sure what to think about what L said, honestly, the man is more of an enigma after a year of living with him than he had been when Mello knew him almost solely by reputation.
But he's already recognized Lance as an authority on the subject, an impartial third party with expertise beyond his own. How Mello reacts is by staring at Lance with an expression as if he's been slapped in the face, exhaling a quiet huh, and turning to the glass of water on the table in front of him, bringing it to his mouth for a long drink to fill the silence. He carefully considers this new information as he sets the glass down again and stares at his reflection in the glass, the distortion of his face, the ragged scar he gave himself by blowing up his hideout while he was still inside because he was determined to win, no matter the cost. Finally, after a long pause, he says, quietly:]
[About Mello's situation, or about Mello in general. He wants to make this very clear, especially since--unsurprisingly--this seems difficult for Mello to process, but at least he's doing so calmly. That's a good sign, and a nice change from some of Lance's previous experiences.]
[His entire life feels like a series of things done wrong, sometimes. It's going to take some time for Mello to reconcile this analysis with what he has always believed about his life, his experiences, the way he was raised and the things he's done as a result. He'll need time to think it all over thoroughly, feed it through the machinery of his mind, force the pieces into the shape of something that makes sense.
Later. He can do all of that later. For now, Mello inhales a deep, slow, steadying breath and wills the shattered parts of his self-image to pull back together again.]
Thank you, Dr. Sweets. I appreciate your input, and your time today.
[It isn't difficult to guess how hard this might be for Mello to deal with, and that it'll take time, and that's okay. He just wants to be sure Mello knows that, too.]
You're welcome, and don't hesitate to contact me if you'd like to speak again in the future. But I suggest taking some time to really think about everything, and give yourself a chance to mentally go over it all. Don't rush yourself, and ultimately just focus on looking at everything once again now that you have some more information.
[And in the end, he doesn't want Mello to change his view on everything just because of Lance telling him what he sees; it's more important for Mello to come to a conclusion that's truly his own, even if Lance's input might help--hopefully, anyway--in that.
And since the meeting is clearly done, he moves to get up from his chair; Mello probably wants some time alone, now.]
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timeasmymeasure
i'm so sorry for this novel /o\
Date: 2017-09-18 12:59 am (UTC)There were two notebooks in play, actually. I'd acquired one, and Kira had the other. In order to kill, the notebook's owner needed two pieces, their intended victim's face, and their true name. "Mello" isn't my real name, of course, but that was a safety measure put into place by the orphanage, well before Kira ever came to power. None of us knew each other's real names, and it wasn't really important - we were encouraged, maybe not explicitly but implicitly, to forget our pasts and focus on our training, on who we might become.
[He pauses, chewing on the black-painted nail of his index finger while deciding on the best phrasing for the next part of the story.]
I didn't have the notebook in my possession for long - Kira and his forces, which included law enforcement, stormed my safe house in order to reclaim it. I was cornered by one of those agents, after he'd taken possession of the notebook, and he was able to discover my name. Now, as far as I'm aware, that name should have remained a secret - I'm not even sure the orphanage kept it on file, once I'd been placed there. No one should have been able to find it. But there was, of course, something a loophole - when you became the owner of a shinigami's notebook, you had the option of making a deal for the shinigami's sight, which would tell you the name and remaining life span of anyone whose face you clearly saw. This man who had me cornered had made such a deal, so all he had to do was look at me, and he knew my name. He had the notebook in his hands, and he could've killed me in less than a minute.
[But he hadn't. Soichiro Yagami had tried to convince Mello to give himself up, right to the end.]
He didn't kill me, obviously - he was a good man, I think, except for being mixed up in Kira's war. I asked him if he'd ever actually killed anyone before. He hesitated, and one of my associates created a diversion. I was able to escape, but I had to blow up the entire building to do so.
[Thus the scar over the side of his face. No need to draw attention to it; Mello has no doubt Lance is smart enough to fit those pieces together.]
I lost everything, that night - the notebook, all the resources I'd built. But I was determined to keep fighting. I kept monitoring Kira and his agents, and Near did the same. One of Near's people was feeding me information about their progress - it may've even been Near's idea, so he could keep an eye on what my moves were. But when she told me about Near's plan to face Kira in person and trick him into showing his hand by writing a name in the notebook, I ...
[He trails off, looks away, frowns deeply. It's been more than a year, and it's still hard to remember the moment he made the decision to end his life in service of stopping Kira.]
You see, one of the ways in which Kira was able to operate for so long is that he had proxies. I'd come to the conclusion that there were two such individuals, and only one of them was using the real notebook. The other, the one that Near and his team had focused on, was using an elaborate fake. If Near had faced Kira as he intended, he and his team would've been killed, because Near had failed to consider the possibility that the notebook this proxy was using was a fake - an effective piece of misdirection. And I decided I couldn't allow that to happen. I decided ... Near had to be shown that there was a fake notebook. And the only person who could do that was me. I planned to kidnap his second proxy, the one who was carrying out the executions in secret, in order to trick the other into revealing the location of the real notebook. I figured ... she must've been told my real name, so all I would have to do is show her my face. Then she could write my name down, and ...
[Well, no need to finish that sentence. He shrugs. It's pretty obvious what would happen, with his name and face and a piece of the notebook in her possession.]
I was brought here the day before I'd intended to put that plan into action.
no subject
Date: 2017-09-26 07:08 pm (UTC)Now that the story itself seems finished, Lance takes a moment to mentally go over a few parts and sort out how to respond and what to focus on first, but as he does that there's something very obvious to address before anything else.]
I'm sorry you had to make a decision like that.
[Being in the position to have to do so, and then choosing that particular option, couldn't have been easy and, more than that, it must be very lonely, in a way. It's important to acknowledge that, especially because he gets the distinct impression that Mello doesn't place as high a value on his own life as he perhaps should.]
no subject
Date: 2017-09-26 09:27 pm (UTC)The world is not a perfect place, Dr. Sweets - I'm sure you know that better than most. People often have to make difficult decisions, especially in extreme circumstances. For example, my father - I don't remember much about him, he was killed when I was very young - but he was a soldier. I imagine he probably had to make some very difficult decisions during the course of the war that eventually claimed his life.
[Like father, like son, perhaps. Mello may not have been a soldier in the traditional sense, and the battle to defeat Kira may not have been the kind of war most people would understand as such, but it's not such a stretch for Mello to view it this way. He sits back in the chair, arms folded over his chest, and shrugs again.]
Some causes are more important than individual lives. I recognized that in the grand scheme, I was ultimately an expendable piece on the board. No one else would have been able to do what I'd planned. No one else could have done it.
no subject
Date: 2017-09-28 08:32 pm (UTC)Of course. You're right, and logically that all makes sense.
[He says it understandingly, not judging or pitying, but his choice of words is deliberate.]
But even when the correct choice is logically obvious, that still doesn't mean actually making it is simple. Especially in a case where someone's life--such as your own--is at stake; no amount of knowing it's the right thing to do eliminates the effect it has on someone mentally and emotionally.
[And he presumes those effects are probably still lingering, and even if they're not the reason Mello wanted to talk to him about it's worth acknowledging them. It's also important to mention another thing as well--]
There's also a difference between choosing to make a sacrifice and considering yourself expendable.
[It's a subtle distinction, but an incredibly important one.]
no subject
Date: 2017-10-05 04:26 am (UTC)[Much like the factors that led to Mello making his decision. He considers what Lance has said, mouth a tight frown as he falls silent. Did his choice create a lasting effect on him? There was no time to dwell on it, once he decided; he had just a few days to cobble together his final stratagem, settle in his mind what few affairs he had left in the world he intended to leave behind. He didn't expect to live this long past that decision, and he hasn't taken the time to think about it much during the time he's been here - too many other crises to navigate.]
What effect would that be? The mental and emotional effect of choosing such a path, I mean.
no subject
Date: 2017-10-10 01:09 am (UTC)[As usual, in a lot psychological matters.]
For most people, that would be a traumatic event. But, again, how someone reacts to trauma varies depending on individual and the nature of the situation.
no subject
Date: 2017-10-10 01:51 am (UTC)I'm no stranger to trauma, Dr. Sweets, and I don't mean just what I've experienced here in the past year. I - I manage what I've experienced.
[That's probably the single biggest lie Mello's currently telling himself. He doesn't manage; he ignores, compartmentalizes, distracts, finds something else on which to focus his energy and attention. Like he's doing now, breezing entirely over the issue and pushing ahead at full steam.]
The crux of the argument as to whether I've been brainwashed by my upbringing is the choice I made to serve as a sacrifice. But it was a rational decision. I weighed my options carefully. It was necessary.
no subject
Date: 2017-10-10 02:08 am (UTC)Besides, he's going to have enough problem with the main one, and he's quiet several seconds as he decides how to respond. Although he would normally want to put things very delicately and lightly, he thinks being more direct--so as not to come across as pitying or patronizing--might be the most effective.]
I don't doubt that it made perfect sense to you. And I can't say for sure that it didn't made sense overall.
[But that said--]
However, the way you talk about the decision concerns me. So do the circumstances of how you ended up in the program that you were a part of, and the very narrow focus you were taught to direct your entire life toward achieving. It's also telling that children were selected for trying to achieve these goals, rather than simply retraining adults who might already have life experience that could benefit them.
[And that's just a short list of disturbing things about this entire situation. But it all leads to one conclusion.]
Although I can't say definitively after only one discussion and without knowing more about your world than what you've told me, yes, I think it's very likely that your upbringing altered your ability to view the situation, and therefore makes decisions, objectively.
[And now to hope Mello takes being told something he might not want to hear better than some of the other people he's dealt with in Hadriel so far.]
no subject
Date: 2017-10-16 12:07 am (UTC)But he's already recognized Lance as an authority on the subject, an impartial third party with expertise beyond his own. How Mello reacts is by staring at Lance with an expression as if he's been slapped in the face, exhaling a quiet huh, and turning to the glass of water on the table in front of him, bringing it to his mouth for a long drink to fill the silence. He carefully considers this new information as he sets the glass down again and stares at his reflection in the glass, the distortion of his face, the ragged scar he gave himself by blowing up his hideout while he was still inside because he was determined to win, no matter the cost. Finally, after a long pause, he says, quietly:]
So they were right about me.
no subject
Date: 2017-10-16 12:26 am (UTC)[About Mello's situation, or about Mello in general. He wants to make this very clear, especially since--unsurprisingly--this seems difficult for Mello to process, but at least he's doing so calmly. That's a good sign, and a nice change from some of Lance's previous experiences.]
And you haven't done anything wrong, either.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-07 03:48 am (UTC)Later. He can do all of that later. For now, Mello inhales a deep, slow, steadying breath and wills the shattered parts of his self-image to pull back together again.]
Thank you, Dr. Sweets. I appreciate your input, and your time today.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-08 01:40 am (UTC)You're welcome, and don't hesitate to contact me if you'd like to speak again in the future. But I suggest taking some time to really think about everything, and give yourself a chance to mentally go over it all. Don't rush yourself, and ultimately just focus on looking at everything once again now that you have some more information.
[And in the end, he doesn't want Mello to change his view on everything just because of Lance telling him what he sees; it's more important for Mello to come to a conclusion that's truly his own, even if Lance's input might help--hopefully, anyway--in that.
And since the meeting is clearly done, he moves to get up from his chair; Mello probably wants some time alone, now.]