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[lifetothefullest]

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[rehashing]

[ She listens to him. Most important of all, she believes him. ]

After transitioning, when you're a vampire everything amplifies. Speed and strength. Sounds, smells. Every sense. Every skill. But, you amplify. Everything you are, everything you feel. Some vampires reach a point where they can't take feeling. It's too much for them, so they turn it off. They stop feeling. Everything. Anything. Everything that makes them who they are, their remorse, their grief. It ends. I've only ever seen it twice. Once with a vampire named Damon, who, over time switched his back, if it was ever flipped in the first place. And once with his brother, Stefan. Klaus made him turn his humanity off. [ She remembers back, pursing her lips. ] But, what was worse was when he broke through. He did something I never thought he would ever be capable of. [ To her. ] I'm afraid of finally feeling everyone I lost, everyone I'll never see again, the resentment that had built up between Caroline and me. But, I'm afraid of when Caroline breaks through, because she will. I'm afraid of after.

[lifetothefullest]

[Most of that he can understand, at least theoretically, although it feels like every time she explains something specific it brings up new questions; what is 'breaking through?' Is Caroline's humanity switch on or off?

He's torn between asking for more details--he needs to know what he's dealing with in order to help--or focusing on what Elena has told him so far, and decides to go with the latter. Right now he thinks it's best to work on one thing at a time, and let her leave this meeting tonight with at least a little bit of hope that things will be alright.]

Okay. So if I understand this all correctly, you're feeling overwhelmed because of the intensifying of what you were already feeling about past and present situations and experiences, and you want to find a way to manage that without having to resort to shutting off your emotions completely.

[If that's right, that's definitely something that can be worked on. Vampires and humanity switches aside, that's a situation that can arise with humans too; retreating from any emotion is not an uncommon coping mechanism, even if it's a terribly unhealthy one.]

[rehashing]

[ He recounts what she says. He understands perfectly. Hearing him say it clinically makes it feel less insurmountable. ]

Yeah, I want to, but, I need to. I don't have a choice. [ Not if she wants to come out the other side friends with Caroline. And most importantly, still herself. ]

[lifetothefullest]

There's always a choice. That's why wanting to do this is just as important as any reason why it seems you need to.

[It's not really a correction, just a gentle reminder. But okay, good, he understands the situation, and she's willing to do what she has to, and this can be sorted out.]

I think we should focus on the most immediate cause of stress, which I would guess is what happened with Caroline.

[But she should correct him, if he's wrong.]

[rehashing]

[ Why shouldn't she want to do this. She has no desire to kill anyone. It's the last thing she wants. The most she's done is stab Rebekah in the back. Or, threaten her own life. Give up her own life. But, she never wants anyone to die, especially not at her hands. It's the quieter moments she finds are harder to handle when her mind recalls something traumatic or upsetting, or some combination of the two. The times she was compelled (few and far between, and both by Damon) came back, but when she'd been high on Delight. They hadn't hit her as hard as they do now. Knowing Damon gave her back the necklace, had declared his love. And knowing she'd met Damon first, a version of Damon Salvatore that contradicted what she first knew of him. Everything conflicted, including how she felt about this place, Delight, and now Caroline.

She's with him, nodding. ] I agree. [ And despite agreeing, her mouth opens, then closes, the phone Hadriel provided her in her hands. ] I don't know where to start.

[lifetothefullest]

Which part feels most important to you?

[That's usually the best place to start. If it's not completely clear what he means by that, though, he adds an additional question.]

Which part keeps coming to mind most strongly?

[Not necessarily what would logically be most important, or what upsets her the most; what stands out doesn't always line up with that, but it's the most pressing in one's subconscious for a reason.]

[rehashing]

[ She thinks. Being killed is a strong memory, but it's not what sits in her mind at the forefront. Or, how Caroline was. She's seen Caroline be the bitch. She used to think if anybody could play the part, it would be her. It's not even hurting Caroline. But, the underlying issue that drove them apart in the first place. ]

After Caroline found me, on our first day here, things didn't add up. Things I said to her didn't make sense. Because of who I was asking about, and then she asked what the last thing that I remembered was - and, [ Her eyes meet Lance's. ] it wasn't what she remembered. It wasn't even close.

[lifetothefullest]

[He's quiet, patient, while she thinks, and he's both curious and concerned about what she might eventually say. When she does respond, it's not with anything he would've expected but definitely intriguing nonetheless.]

I'm guessing that you mean what you remember and she remembers are different enough that it can't be explained by just being in different places?

[Because otherwise she wouldn't have brought it up, but he hasn't heard much--maybe one thing, once, and in all the other stuff going on he's not really recalling it--about the idea of people coming from different times.]

[rehashing]

No, she explained it differently. She remembered what I remembered. But, for her, it happened eight years before.

[ Let that sink in. ]

[lifetothefullest]

[Yeah, give him a second. Eight years is a lot, in either direction, and he has a brief moment where he can't help but wonder what it would be like if one of his friends arrived here from either eight years in the future or the past. In the future, he likely would've been dead for eight years, and they might not believe he's really himself. Eight years in the past, they wouldn't even know who he is.

The thought is terrifying, suddenly, briefly and intensely, but he carefully tries to clear the thoughts from his mind and focus on Elena again.]

I um... I can see how that would be a shock. And a problem.

[rehashing]

It wasn't a problem at first. It was shocking. I didn't know what to say. When we finally talked about it, it was one thing after another. When I arrived here, I had vampire blood in my system, which means, if I died within 24 hours, I'd wake up in transition. She had to tell me that, to make sure I knew. But, then she told me what happened to Klaus, that he left our town because he had a child.

[ Which she's still struggling with, an abomination of nature who made her life a living hell being granted a child by the laws of nature. Caroline being granted a child as a vampire. And learning she herself had been turned. And no mention of children from her. Not that she expected them at twenty-five. ]

That's when she told me she was twenty-five. And then, I changed the subject, because I knew she was happy about something, and she showed me her kids. She has two little girls. They're beautiful. She showed me pictures on her phone and I made the mistake of scrolling too far past those. [ Her lip drops again. ] The two vampires I mentioned before, Stefan and Damon, things are complicated with them back home. I was with Stefan. I still love Stefan, and, Caroline's with him now. Then. [ Her nose scrunches unhappy with tenses in that moment. ]

[lifetothefullest]

[Lance, again, has to remind himself not to let his thoughts spiral off at the talk of having kids; he's finding it difficult to keep his professional detachment at the moment, probably because it's so late and he's tired.

But he nods, showing he understands the story so far, although he isn't sure which part in specific is the largest issue for her; there are the issues of hearing about the future, about her friend being at a suddenly different time in her life, about her enemy having a kid, about the person she loves being with someone else...]

That's a lot to take in. Are you glad to know about the future, or do you wish you didn't?

[rehashing]

I - I don't know. I wouldn't want her to have to live with everything alone, but at the same time, knowing doesn't change anything. I'm here and not there. I haven't lived it. [ She's only heard. ] Things are apparently complicated. Caroline and I are with different people. Something else is complicated with me. [ She frowns. ] That's how she describes things with Stefan, too. With everything. Complicated.

[lifetothefullest]

'Complicated' is sometimes the only word that works.

[But it's surely a frustrating one, in Elena's position.]

Is there tension between you because of the time difference? Does she expect anything out of you because of it?

[He remembers Elena said their fight had been about Caroline thinking Elena wasn't having enough fun, or something like that, and wonders if it has to do with this.]

[rehashing]

She doesn't expect anything. Her priority has always been my comfort level. [ And safety. And humanity for a time. ] I think she mothered me a lot of the time, which was different. [ She thinks back, not knowing what to say most days, to Caroline or to anyone really. Acclimating to Hadriel had been interesting considering a whole festival had followed their arrival. ] That created more tension than the time difference [ She pictures the Seven Days of Hadriel and Caroline's dress. She remembers the champagne and finally talking about the future. ] especially after the Masquerade. I had more questions than answers and she provided them. I learned too much, but, ultimately, it helped with the tension. [ Or, so she thought. ] I thought I let it go.

[lifetothefullest]

[He listens, trying to decide if her view on the situation is objective or coloured by other experiences that have happened before or after, because it seems at odds with the entire... Killing someone thing. But he supposes there's the event's influence to consider as well, which adds an entire extra layer of confusion to the whole situation.

But he nods, showing he understands.]

Did something change, after that?

[Because, of course, it doesn't line up with Caroline's actions, and Elena's speaking in past tense; it could simply be from it having happened in the past, or it could mean it's over with.]

[rehashing]

Things lightened. They didn't get any less weirder, but we were able to talk about Stefan and about her life. [ Things were better. ] Things were good.

[lifetothefullest]

[More positives. Normally, that would be good--and it still is in some regards--but it's kind of confusing knowing what he does.]

And then the recent event happened?

[rehashing]

Yes.

[ He reads what happens well. She spells it out, true, but he sees underneath. ]

[lifetothefullest]

Do you think her actions were influenced by the effects of the event?

[Because that would make the most sense, with everything else going on, although Lance's own experience with the event makes it hard to believe it would be enough to cause someone to harm their friend. But maybe there were varying degrees to it.]

[rehashing]

Yes. I don't think any part of what Caroline did was her. [ Her mouth remains open, knowing it contradicts what she said before as she gathers what she needs to clarify. ] What she said was her, but she would never have -- It was the event.

[lifetothefullest]

[For most things in Hadriel, Lance can relate general ideas to things he's familiar with even when specifics are different. But the effects of events is something he's having trouble with, at least in this situation, because his instinctive reaction is to treat it like any other mind-altering effect such as drinking or addition. In that case, although understanding and sensitivity are required, a person who acts under the influence is still very responsible for what they've done.

But it seems unfair to apply that here, where the gods' influences are not brought on voluntary choices. Is it really fair to hold someone accountable for what they did when influences against their will? How much control over themselves did they really have, through no fault of their own? Does it vary depending on the event, or even on the individual person within the same event?

If something like this were to have happened at home, and Elena were to say something like that, Lance would know exactly what to say even if saying it is never exactly easy. But now he's not so sure.]

The event definitely complicates things.

[That much he can say for sure, although it's really... Not helpful.]

Have you two spoken since the event ended?

[Because if so, how that went might offer some more insight that he can use. If not, that could also say something.]

[rehashing]

This morning, but not since then. I - can't.

[ There's too much between them. Too much time, too much conflict. Differences they can't ignore anymore. ]

[lifetothefullest]

[He nods at that, understanding; whether or not what happened was really Caroline's fault, keeping some distance for awhile is probably a good idea.]

That's okay. Some time and space is likely the best thing for you right now, especially since you said everything is so amplified. You found a new place to stay?

[Because she'd said she moved out, but not necessarily that she'd moved into somewhere else.]

[rehashing]

I'm staying at a friend's. I'm not angry at her, but reconciling what happened and what we weren't saying... Hadriel was the perfect distraction from Stefan, and from Damon, but, it's like I can't distract myself anymore because the feelings are right there. And, feeling that strongly - for either of them - makes it even harder knowing that I end up with Damon and Caroline has complications with Stefan. It's not fair to her or to me.