lifetothefullest | [IC Inbox

[He hesitates only briefly before sitting down next to her, the part of him that's a professional adult who doesn't really sit on the ground pretty much immediately defeated by the part of him that absolutely doesn't care about that sort of thing. The latter part also makes him want to get closer to the water, just because he can, but fortunately he's able to control that. For now, anyway.

And then of course she asks the next obvious question, and he's immediately faced with the decision of whether to evade it, be vague, tell the truth, or a combination of the latter with either of the former. It's a combination that he settles on, vague but still enough of an answer to show he's willing to trust her, though his gaze is fixed out over the water as he responds.]

I saw how much a person's life could change, even just from something as simple as someone being willing to listen to them.

[Which nicely makes a full circle with their conversation from earlier.]

[It's something simple, but it makes so much sense. It's a very Lance answer, too. Ellie doesn't fight the small, wry smile that comes as she picks a small pebble out of the dirt of the riverbank, and hurls it forward into the water. It's moving slow enough for it to skip to the other bank.

Even if Lance doesn't share everything or go into detail, it says a lot of things more than eloquently.]

Got anybody to listen to you now?

[It's a question, but also an open invitation. Ellie can't say that she's the best or most helpful person to use as a sounding board, but she can try.]

[Lance watches her skip the rock, vaguely impressed; he's always been terrible at skipping rocks, despite his dad doing his best to teach him one day during a hiking trip when he was ten or so. He never had gotten any better at it, but maybe he should try learning again.

The question earns a faint smile and he does look over at her this time.]

I torment Nate, occasionally. Do you really want to join him in that misery?

[He's certainly not promising to actually talk--there are so many reasons why he usually doesn't in general--but he appreciates the offer nonetheless.]

[Ellie picks at another of the rocks, getting dirt under her fingernails, weighing it in her palm and returning Lance's thoughtful look. She doesn't point out his smile, almost worried she'll scare it away.]

God, you're so fucking dramatic.

[Shaking her head, she can't help but grin at him as she works the rock in her fingers, worrying over the smooth, semi-flattened river stone. There is true fondness there, though, and she doesn't much bother disguising it.]

Look, you said it to me. That you'd be willing to listen.

[Lifting her shoulders, Ellie tilts her head to one side, and glances back down at the rock in her hand. Her voice is quiet, but sincere.]

And you're right. Someone's life can change. Through simple stuff like that.

[At her first comment Lance makes a small gesture toward himself, mouthing 'me?' with a fake look of shock as he does so, but he soon drops it in favor of copying her grin. That fades a little as she continues, though not in a bad way, just growing slightly more somber.]

Thank you.

[It's quiet too, but also very genuine. Just making the offer is kind of her, especially with how reserved she seems to be with all the emotional sorts of stuff, so he appreciates it even if he doesn't know if he'll ever really take her up on it.

But he doesn't want to make her feel self-conscious about putting herself out there either, so after a few moments of deliberation he does decide to say something, even if he keeps it somewhat surface level for now.]

I'm okay, just... Everything kind of sucks, even since before the Aerie, and this latest problem is a lot on top of it all. I'm just trying to sort through it.

[Ellie nods, accepting the moment for what it is. It's more vulnerable than some people allow themselves to be, but the two of them don't owe each other a thing. They don't have to, to be willing to look out for each other.

As she listens, Ellie flings the stone out into the water, lightly skipping it over the surface. It goes farther than the previous one, skitters into the other side of the bank. The night sounds like crickets.]

Was this shit going on before the Aerie, or did some other stuff happen too?

[She's not sure if he's opening up for discussion, but it's out there.]

[He watches her skip the next rock and gives a quietly appreciative 'hey' as it makes it to the other side, impressed. At the question he hesitates, deciding if he wants to continue, but this is a safe enough conversation for now.]

This was happening before the Aerie; the whole 'getting locked in the safehouse' thing happened the same day you and I went to the bar. Before that, it was just some arguments on the network, which was annoying but not that serious.

[But that's only regarding Gaby and that whole issue, and she surely knew--considering the reason they'd met up at the bar in the first place--that more had been going on, and again he briefly hesitates.]

Aside from that, um, I don't remember how much you knew about the whole Riverstone thing. Not just the people signing up for the tests.

[Ellie flashes him a small smile, then works up a few more suitable rocks, piling them up between them. She worries another in her fingers, rubbing her thumb over it.

Yeah, she remembers. The bullshit with Akechi and Kyna, she knew about, but she's glad that he had a chance to blow off steam after everything she didn't know, too.]

Shit. Lots of things at once.

[Frowning, she nods, thinking back to the Riverstone thing.]

I remember Kyna and Ren talking about it, after. That they broke in, what they found. How it seemed too easy.

[She also remembers not replying, partially because she was new, and partially because she wasn't going to have anything helpful to say. She hesitates even now because she knows Lance and Kyna are close, but it's better to be upfront.]

The whole thing seemed like they were walking into Riverstone's hands.

[Lance watches her gather rocks, and soon begins stacking them carefully on top of each other just to give himself something to do as they talk. It also gives him something to look at, so he doesn't have to make eye contact.

What she says doesn't bother him, because it's the truth; it's not like it's a personal insult or anything, and friends or not Lance thinks the 'heist' was an absolutely terrible idea and is not pleased with how it was handled. But even that was something he could've gotten over, because people make mistakes, but it only got worse and worse in the aftermath.]

Yeah. Not only did it seem like Riverstone was expecting them, they got caught in the process. When they made the post to tell people about their findings, they had left that part out until I told them it was important for everyone to know, and they weren't exactly pleased with me for saying so.

[Which says a lot in itself. It's something he'd meant to speak with Kyna about after they resolved their fight, but the Aerie had happened and it had been kind of pushed aside, and at this point Lance is tempted to let it go in terms of talking to her about it even if the issue he has with that whole thing is still very much there.]

So that was part of everything going on too.

Yeah, that edit.

[Ellie practically groans the words, reaching up to rub at her face. She can't pretend she's never fucking done something stupid or reckless that had a horrible fallout. Nobody enjoys being called out on it, either.

... but it's hard to tell someone that you care about that they did something wrong, or dangerous. Speaking up, dealing with the fallout-]

... and then the Aerie.

Shit, have you talked with them yet?

Not about that. It seemed... Kind of unimportant, I guess, especially while everyone's still readjusting.

[The last thing he wants to do is pick a fight about something that happened before the huge, traumatizing alternate life experience. He doesn't have the energy for that, but more importantly he doesn't want to add another thing for someone else to worry about.]

I'm not sure I'm going to bring it up at all, at this point. I doubt I'd get anywhere even if I did, so it's probably better to spare everyone involved.

Maybe.

[Ellie shrugs, and adds more stones, giving Lance more to work with and stack up. She deliberately tries to find the flatter ones. Good building blocks. She keeps the one in her hand, like she's trying to work it smooth.]

But it'll probably come up eventually, and it won't be pretty when it does.

[He flashes a brief flicker of a smile at her for adding to the pile, working on making it a more elaborate structure now that he has more materials to work with.

Normally, he'd agree with Ellie's point; he's typically the one telling people to talk about their conflicts, to get them out in the open, to work through them. But in this case he shakes his head a little, and is serious and quiet when he responds.]

It might. But the main reasons to discuss a conflict are to make feelings clear, and to come to some sort of understanding.

[He's silent again a few seconds before sighing.]

My opinion about the whole thing isn't exactly a secret, and I don't think there's going to be any understanding.

[And the latter part of that is what's so upsetting, but he's well on the way to accepting it at this point.]

[Ellie nods slowly, flipping the stone over into her fingertips, worrying it as she listens, chews over his answer. It's reasoned and sad, and she knows what it is to be hurt by a profound disagreement with the judgment of someone you care for.]

Is it gonna be something you can get past, you think?

[She doesn't say forgive, because forgiveness isn't the right word, and forgiveness is one of the most complicated things there is.]

[That's a very interesting way of asking the question, because most people would indeed use the word forgive. But it is a very different thing to forgive than it is to accept the situation and move on.

He's just as aware of that difference and she seems to be, and so his answer is easy enough.]

Yeah, I think so.

[He can move on, and he'll just keep in mind what he's learned and won't make the same mistakes again. There's always a chance, too, that things will change, or maybe he'll be pleasantly surprised and this will all work out somehow after all. But for now, he can let it go.

He finishes his little rounded pyramid of stones, and allowed himself to feel satisfied with it for a few moments before he takes a deep breath, looking up again.]

You sound like you have experience with this sort of thing.

[It's a gentle remark, and invitation if Ellie wants to talk herself, but he won't pry if she doesn't.]

[Ellie nods, taking his response at face value. It's bound to be more complicated than that, and there are a lot of different types of trust, including her ability to trust Lance to assess something like that.

Her lips twitch in a wry almost-smile when he turns it back on her again, a telltale sign that he's reaching his limit in talking about himself. Ellie worries the stone, falling to silence as she thinks it over, memories bubbling to the surface. By the distant, somewhat desolate look in her eyes, they're not good ones. She chews over how to respond, drawing the edge of her nail around the edge of the stone.]

My world's pretty fucked up. A lot of times, staying alive means trying to pick the choice you can live with.

[Both literally, and figuratively.]

It means a lot of deciding what you can get past, and what you can't. For other people, and for yourself.

[He appreciates her allowing the focus to shift, especially since he's sure by her expression that she knows exactly what he's doing. But soon her expression changes, and although he'd typically watch and read whatever emotions he can catch, this time he turns his attention back to the pile of stones so she won't feel scrutinized.

Her response isn't really unexpected, since he'd gleaned some information about what her world might be like just by knowing her. But having confirmation is always helpful, even if in this case he kind of wishes he would've been wrong.

He's quiet for a short time as he decides what to say, especially since he just had a conversation with Nate's that wasn't exactly about the same thing, but close enough that it brings it to mind.]

It's hard to live like that.

[Constantly in survival mode, and all that entails.]

[Ellie appreciates the understanding paired with the lack of pity. The acknowledgement of the weight, without the horror. She glances up at him, her face softening a little bit before she goes back to worrying the stone.]

Yeah.

[Again that desolate, awful feeling of guilt engulfs her. That what-if over what her life might've bought the world, if Joel hadn't loved her. But that's not something she wants to tell Lance about, especially not with Joel here, living and breathing. It's not something she wants to tell anyone.]

But in the end, you're the one who has to live with it.

[It isn't hard to tell there's something specific on her mind, but she clearly doesn't feel like talking about right now and he won't push her on it. Instead, he finally draws his gaze away from the rocks, looking back up at her once more.]

You are. But you don't have to do it alone.

[It's a lesson he's had to learn multiple times and is in the midst of learning yet again, but it can be done.]

[Ellie's stomach gives a lurch, her expression flickering. She's normally so much better at guarding herself, but Lance has a way of slipping past that. She looks down at her hands, fiddling with them, pressing at the seam between her flesh and the prosthetics. All but invisible, but she can always feel it.

Even if the phantom pain's dulled, it's there.]

Am I that obvious?

Only if you know what to look for.

[He says it gently, hoping to both reassure her and make her less self-conscious; it really isn't that obvious, at least not in any way beyond the baseline of people here. But Lance does know what to look for, and not just as a psychologist.]

You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to, but you don't have to hold it all in if you don't want to either.

[The choice is there, if she decides she wants to take it.]

[Ellie manages a small smile, worrying over the rock in her fingers. She looks at it instead of Lance.]

It's not that I don't want to tell you stuff, it's that there's just... a lot, and I don't know how to start.

... you know how you said that if you can't be optimistic in a shitty world, then maybe you aren't all that optimistic to begin with?

[That's a very familiar explanation, and he understands as much as he can without knowing her actual situation. So he nods, though at her question he gives a slightly sheepish smile.]

I do, though in hindsight it sounds way more judgemental than I meant it to be.

Edited (brain no do goo with words) 2021-02-21 00:02 (UTC)

[Ellie glances up, returns the smile and shrugs slightly.]

I still think you're right. But I think that we all kinda start out that way. We just... reach a breaking point, I think. When you just can't do it anymore. Or maybe you can't do it the same way.

Like-

I don't know, Lance. Everybody was really fucked up, coming back from the Aerie. Hating who they were. Who they had to be. What happened to them.

[Ellie pauses again, then reaches up to rub at the fingers that aren't real, the seam between robotics and skin, where all of her scars stop.]

I came back and-

That place at its worst was better than anything I'd ever had, by light years. I was better. A lot better.

no subject

no subject

no subject

1/2

2/2

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject