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[lifetothefullest]

@lance.sweets | ■ ▲ ◌ ▼

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[lifetothefullest]

[Embrace your flaws is totally a sentiment he would tell other people, but it's one of many things he would advise someone to do but then absolutely couldn't do himself. Perfectionism is one of those traits he's never been able to shake, even if his embarrassment redirects to amusement as Ellie incorporates the mistakes into the music. She's good at this, more so than expected, and it's an interesting thing to learn about her; she seems to have a lot of confidence to go with the skill too.

He lets her lead for the most part, but adds in a little bit of layering to the melody where appropriate; this is a nice thing to focus on, and a great distraction from everything else going on.]

How have you been adjusting, by the way?

[He asks vaguely just to be careful, though he doubts they could be overheard too easily at this point with both instruments going.]

[notathreat]

[It's happened enough now for Ellie to see the pattern; and it's probably so obvious to Ellie because it was exactly what Dina did for everyone around her, utterly unfailing. Check on others, keep the focus off of herself, take care of other people. Feel settled when they're settled.

Even if Ellie wouldn't be able to explain all the psychological factors and layers of self-worth and re-orienting and comfort that go into that, she recognizes it all the same, and knows that it'll ultimately help Lance if she rolls with it for now instead of calling it out.

So she gives him an assessing glance, that little knowing smile that Dina always fucking hated, and nods back.]

Pretty awesome. Got a job, a place of my own, people checking in.

[She lowers her voice, almost playful.]

Nobody's tried to kill me in weeks.

[It'd be paradise if the safety didn't make her so fucking nervous. It feels like when she first came to Jackson, overwhelmed by suddenly having enough to eat, a warm place to sleep, a roof over her head. No constant danger. No fighting for every breath of survival.]

[lifetothefullest]

[That look doesn't go unnoticed, but it only gets a purposefully affected, slightly suspicious narrowing of his eyes before he lets it go, refocusing on her answer. It's good to hear that everything has worked out so far, especially since she hasn't been here that long; it takes much longer for some people to find a place to live, or to get a job, or just to simply move beyond the shock of finding themselves in a new world and having to start over.

But then again, he gets the sense that Ellie might be used to that sort of thing.

Her last comment earns a short exhale of breath that isn't quite a laugh, because the statement isn't really something to laugh at and yet had an inherent humor to it, especially with her delivery.]

Yeah, it's surprisingly... Quiet, here. Despite everything.

[Monster attacks aside, day to day life is... Calm, at least in regard to external danger. In many ways it's like Lance's world, and yet he'd spent so much time in Hadriel that this still feels like an incredible change to marvel at rather than just a return to normalcy.]

Have you gotten used to all the food choices? I mean, I know people complain about the lack of meat and the fake dairy and all that, but there's still so much variety.

[notathreat]

[Ellie's smile turns to the edge of a more playful grin, a burst of something small but genuine, a glimpse of who she is underneath all the hard edges Lance has seen her lead with. Ellie keeps playing, going off script to improvise something simple, not paying much attention for the sake of a repeat.]

Don't think I ever will. Still haven't gotten used to all the fruit yet. Used to be finding a patch of blueberries was...

[Ellie shakes her head, breathes out. There's nothing she knows that Lance would recognize that really compares.]

Huge. If I tried to make half the street food here back at home it'd be the fanciest thing I'd eaten all year.

[lifetothefullest]

[He can't truly understand what it's like, though he has a little experience; options in Hadriel had been incredibly limited, and his early life hadn't been great in that respect either. But he can still get a sense from her tone and the way she responds, and he has to ask--]

Do you have a favorite? Or are there still too many different choices to be able to narrow it down yet?

[notathreat]

Uh...

[God, it is hard to narrow it down, but she does try.]

Probably the pancakes. Used to make them at home when we could get the stuff for them, but they make them a million different ways out here, and the giant fluffy ones are like eating a cloud.

[It's also not too cloyingly sweet for her taste.]

What about you? Find any winners?

[lifetothefullest]

Pancakes are a good choice.

[He distinctly remembers the first time he had them here, after being in Hadriel; Ian had made them one day while staying over at Lance and Kyna's place after the monster attack. Lance hadn't even thought about them as an option until then, still adjusting to the new setting.

That leads into the answer to her question, though--]

I'm always partial to muffins. And blueberries, to hearken back to you mentioning them, but then combining those two things produces blueberry muffins, which are more than the sum of their parts.

[He's joking a little in the sense of how dramatically he's wording it, but not about his love for blueberry muffins.]

[notathreat]

[Joking or not, blueberries are serious business, and so are blueberry muffins. Ellie's small smile grows into something softer, more genuine as Lance speaks, and she plays with the strings thoughtfully.]

Y'know.

That muffin you gave me when I first got here wasn't half bad, either.

[She hadn't said it at the time, and that still haunts her. Just a little. Even if she'll never admit to it.]

[lifetothefullest]

[The comment isn't entirely unexpected; he'd made the same mental connection in their conversation, so the shift in subject is natural. But the way she puts it has its own humor, so casually understated, and he gives a faint laugh even if his attention is still on the piano.]

Thanks. They were batch like, five or something, and I'm just glad I'd managed to make them edible at that point.

[He's exaggerating; the first baking attempt had been edible, just not the texture he wanted. But the muffins had indeed been batch five, left over from stress baking during Kyna's disappearance, and at least they'd served a good purpose.]

[notathreat]

[It's good to hear Lance laugh, even a little bit. They're dancing around the real subject, sure, but Ellie's whole life has been made up of conversations like these, until they slowly become real. A constant dance of remembering to be a person, outside of the things that hurt.]

Do you eat a ton of muffins or hand them out to your neighbors?

[She flashes him a smile.]

Admit it. That's why you really invited me over.

[lifetothefullest]

[It comes naturally to avoid talking about himself, to turn the conversation around, and manage not to have to do any of the things he encourages in other people when it comes to talking through issues and feelings and accepting help. At home and in Hadriel he was usually successful at that without having to try too much, so he often forgets that people here see have been a lot better at seeing through him than he's used to.

So although he's definitely talking around the actual issue, he's also mostly expecting to get away with it at this point. That makes it easy to fall into the act of normal, casual conversation, and at the not-so-serious accusation he gives he a brief glance, raising his eyebrows.]

That's it. You caught me; I was using you prevent myself from having muffins for every meal.

[He's mostly joking--obviously that wasn't the reason he invited Ellie to stay at the apartment--but he's also totally serious that he'll make terrible food choices when left to his own devices.]

Without my coworkers around to shame me, I have to come up with other solutions.

[notathreat]

[Mostly joking isn't completely joking, and Ellie doesn't bother to hide the smile that grows more thoughtful as Lance mentions his coworkers. She doesn't think that he means the ones here -- he hasn't exactly mentioned having any kind of job here -- but it's the first time he's mentioned the people she saw in his dream.

She still remembers them fondly, would recognize them if she saw them.]

Coworker shame; best motivator.

[That, or small-town shame.]

Y'know, maybe you should start bringing them by Red Wings. I think the crowd there would appreciate them.

[Especially the new people.]

[lifetothefullest]

Sometimes it's the only thing that works.

[And sometimes it doesn't work at all, like when everyone in the office was annoyed with him for temporarily bringing in a goat, but maybe FBI agents could stand to be less snobby. He'd gotten to play with a goat all day, so really, who had been the winner here?

The last comment earns an amused look and a roll of his eyes.]

Thanks for the faith in me, I'll think about it. I guess it would give me something to do, though it may have to be anonymous. I think a lot of people who work there find me annoying.

[Which, you know, fair, but still.]

[notathreat]

Fair.

[Ellie snorts aloud though, shaking her head to herself. Oh, yeah. She knows what he means, even if he's been fairly non-annoying towards her in their short acquaintance.]

They can suck it up.

[lifetothefullest]

[He laughs too, because he's realizing this whole scenario sounds like--]

So I'm going to be brazenly ignoring that people find me annoying in order to passive-aggressively force them to accept baked goods. What a weird power move.

[He's not against it because that sounds so ridiculous that he loves it, but still.]

[notathreat]

[Ellie laughs aloud, imagining it, twanging the strings discordantly for a second before she gets herself back. Her laugh is warm and sputtering, much younger than the rest of her.]

I meant like, for the newcomers, but-

[She guffaws again.]

That would be a power move. Waiting for them to cave.

[lifetothefullest]

[He barely avoids hitting a few off keys of his own when she laughs, laughing along with her at the thought of being that much of a menace; not that it would be unprecedented for him, but it would be for such a mundane goal that it would be really funny.

Though the mention of the new arrivals reminds him of one of the more serious goals he's inclined to be a problem about.]

Unfortunately, if it's for the new arrivals it'd probably be better if I just took them straight to the safehouse. It's back up and running for the newest round of people.

[Does he sound vaguely displeased about that? Definitely.]

[notathreat]

Huh. I keep forgetting everyone else wasn't just locked in a bar for their first stretch here.

[Lance has a good laugh; and it's good to see him able to get to that point. Last night was shitty, yeah, but he'll be okay.

Ellie's shoulders relax still more.]

No luck on busting them out?

[lifetothefullest]

Haven't tried, though I'm tempted. I kind of want to see if anyone'll do anything to stop me.

[He'd originally planned to give it a try this round, but with what just happened he hasn't been sure he can muster up the energy. But he might, both for the sake of the new arrivals themselves and for what he'd just told Ellie; he wants to see if this is another case of how most things seem to work around here, which is through social pressure rather than any actual actions. If that isn't the case, it'll be interesting to draw out more of where the line is, and who's willing to do what to maintain it.]

[notathreat]

Well, shit. I got out and the world didn't end.

[Ellie sighs deeply, and riffs through something on her guitar, just some thing old and familiar, throwing it in because she likes it, more than because it fits.]

Did some shit happen to make them decide on that, or are they just worried it might?

[lifetothefullest]

I think some new arrivals were arrested once, but I'm pretty sure they very dramatically drew attention to themselves and I'm not even sure if they were unregistered at the time.

[He only barely skimmed that post when putting together his information guide, and doesn't really remember. He does remember deciding for the sake of his sanity not to read too much of the conversation, though.]

But as far as I'm aware, they're mostly concerned about something that might happen. Arguing that this method of doing things might cause psychological trauma to new arrivals doesn't seem to matter to anyone, though.

[So you know. Selective risk assessment going on here.]

[notathreat]

[Ellie nods to herself, thinking back to Jackson, and her first days, first months there. She'd been struggling to follow the rules, to do well, but she'd also felt the walls all too keenly. She'd been used to taking care of herself and Joel if it came down to it, and couldn't appreciate the way no one seemed to trust her to handle herself.

She remembers the resentment that built up, the lack of trust, until she'd forged it over time. Maria had done no small amount of work there. And she'd had every reason to believe she was safe and cared for.]

Don't think I'd have trusted a single fucking one of you as far as I could throw you, if you'd kept me locked up.

[lifetothefullest]

Right? If I hadn't immediately run into someone I already knew from Hadriel, I would never have agreed to go to the safehouse in the first place. I trusted their judgement that it would be okay, but only because I'd known them for years, and I still hated the whole experience.

[If he'd arrived here and it had just been total strangers, they would've had to use the compulsion drug's effects to get him to go with them, because no way is he going to let a bunch of strangers tell him 'oh it'll be fine we'll let you out in a few days' and trust that. What a thing to ask--or expect, considering there's no asking--of people who just found themselves in another world after being drugged and operated on, not to mention whatever experiences they may have gone through in their own worlds.

Of course, the weirdest thing to Lance is that hardly anyone else seems to find this whole way of doing things strange, so when Ellie agrees it's a bit of a relief. No matter how confident he usually is in knowing what's right, that can still be a bit rattled when he finds himself in an extreme minority on something, especially when 'it's wrong to hold people against their will for days' is something he'd expect to be pretty widely agreed upon.]

[notathreat]

Exactly. Besides, look at the kind of crowd we have out here. Locking these kinds of people up, especially together, could be a goddamn disaster.

Like, shit, I didn't even make it inside before someone took a swing at me. And I did hit Bellamy, but that was his own fault.

[... Ellie. Ellie that's not normal, stop saying that so casually.]

[lifetothefullest]

[He's about to agree, and add that it's probably a miracle no one's felt the need to try to fight their way out of the safehouse, but the latter part of what she says catches his attention. He doesn't care so much about hitting Bellamy, as he only vaguely knows of Bellamy and he's willing to give Ellie the benefit of the doubt that he totally deserved it, but--]

Who took a swing at you?

[Who does he need to judge intensely?]