lifetothefullest | [IC Inbox]

I hope so.

[He genuinely does; he'd like to believe this is more of a miscommunication issue than any true selfishness, although as much as Lance tries to believe the best of people--more than many others do, even--he isn't blindly optimistic. But he does hope for the best, and maybe this will turn out well, especially if Carlisle's description of his partner is accurate.]

That's understandable, and it's admirable that you want to protect him, it's just as important for that to go the other way as well. And, if it helps, he will also benefit from you telling him in more detail about the situation; it might initially be painful to discuss it, but an issue like this creates... Kind of a distance, between people, even if only subconsciously. The less you're holding all of this to yourself, the closer you'll both be able to be, and it will make the time you have together more fulfilling.

[And there may be less regrets for them both, for things left undone or unsaid, once it comes to an end.]

[Carlisle nods, hoping what Lance says is as true as Glacius' own word. Not everyone is as unflinchingly honest as the alien is -- himself included, if this entire conversation is any indication. He doesn't want distance between them, though, not when he's fought so hard for them to be closer.

As usual, he is the one holding them back. He paws at his chest, the talisman below his sweater offering him no comfort from his inner demons.]

May I ask you a personal question, doctor?

Yes, although I can't guarantee I'll answer.

[Partially because it may be unethical to do so--there are certain things a psychologist shouldn't mention during a counseling session, for certain reasons--and partially because Lance is just a secretive person in general. But he doesn't mind Carlisle asking, even if he may not answer whatever the question might be.]

Of course.

[It's the same for a confessional, after all.]

Have you ever been in a relationship? Or anything where you felt as though you would ruin it at a moment's notice? That it was too precious and too good for someone like you to have, and that- that if it were taken away, you would have been a fool for ever thinking you deserved it in the first place?

[Lance is quiet a moment at the question, considering it, because it's somewhat borderline of a case on if it's okay to answer. But Lance has mostly resolved this issue within himself already, and his current problems that have to do with his relationship are not about this subject, so he thinks it's okay to answer especially if it helps Carlisle.]

Yes, to everything, more than once. But I've been wrong every time.

But how do you know if you're wrong? How can you tell when all you've seen so far says otherwise?

[For someone who has lost many and helped others grieve, he's never quite learned how to do it properly himself.]

That's something I can't really tell you, because those thoughts--the fear, and self-doubt--are often more internal than external. Only you can truly know if you're being objective, or if you're seeing what your mind is telling you that you should be seeing.

[It's usually the latter for Lance, and judging by what he knows of Carlisle and his personality type he's willing to bet that might be the case for him too. Even if it's not entirely that, it's probably a lot of it.]

And if—

[A second's hesitation. He chews his lip.]

What if you don't trust your own mind?

[The question is not a hugely surprising one, because it's one Lance has asked a few times himself; sometimes he still doubts his own judgment or ability to view a situation without warping it, although he's gotten a lot better at being able to gauge that. But he understands the issue Carlisle is asking about very well.]

That's one of the reasons psychologists exist, at least in my world; we're here to help guide people through a problem or situation, especially if they don't trust themselves to be objective. But you don't necessarily have to talk to a psychologist; the input and opinions of someone you trust can often help, as long as you truly believe they mean what they say.

But, ultimately, it comes down to allowing yourself to be proven wrong. If you go into a situation believing you don't deserve it, you'll only see every reason why you're right, unless you're willing to accept that maybe that isn't true after all.

[And that's often the most difficult part.]

[That is indeed the most difficult part, especially for someone like Carlisle. He's been told his entire life that the twice-cursed are a burden to the world around them, that they bring misery and misfortune wherever they tread. He has yet to see such superstitions disproved: his father died less than a year after the incident that caused his affliction; his uncles vanished after bickering between themselves for years over how to handle the sole heir of their line being cursed. Carlisle lost his home and his place he'd made for himself in the world when he'd been spirited to another world, and he'd even been torn from that one and into Hadriel.

Emily is gone, returned to a terrible world full of monsters. Kate has vanished and returned. How long until Glacius is taken from him? Should he experience what he can, or should he steel himself for the inevitable? Or will his fragile, mortal heart finally crumble from losing the one who matters to him most? And even if they aren't torn asunder, how long could he possibly have left to spend with his partner?

Carlisle's paranoia eats him alive, as always; however, Lance does say something that resonates with him. The input and opinions of someone you trust can often help, as long as you truly believe they mean what they say. Glacius has said so many of these things before... and yet, Carlisle has struggled to listen himself, so sure that his partner is too close to the situation to see it objectively. Carlisle doesn't want to see him hurt... just as Glacius doesn't want to watch his own lover suffer.

Trust is a difficult matter, especially for one who often doesn't trust himself.]

That is often the role of the clergy in my world. It feels so much easier to see clearly when not directly affected by the situation.

[Perhaps that's why he doesn't want to be close to the situation. He does want to be closer to his partner, though. He must accept he cannot have it both ways in this case.]

I will do what I can. I just... desperately want this to work for what little time we have.

I think you have a very good chance of it working out, Carlisle.

[He offers a small smile, trying to project enough confidence and reassurance that it might help Carlisle feel it himself. But Lance believes what he's saying; as long as what Carlisle says about his partner's intentions is correct, and Carlisle maintains his determination to get through this issue, then Lance thinks it'll work out.]

Don't be discouraged if it's difficult at first, or if the initial conversation goes badly; emotion is going to be a factor, and it doesn't mean you both won't get through it.

[And any conflict can be incredibly hard on one's resolve, even if it's relatively minor, so he wants Carlisle to be aware of the possibility and not to let it stop him.]

[How unfortunate that determination and resolve are not well-honed skills in Carlisle's repertoire. Thankfully, his partner has them in abundance.]

Perhaps I will write a script, as suggested.

[He tries to offer Lance the barest of smiles at that, but it's clearly a rueful one. He sets his cup down, rubbing at his eye in an attempt to soothe the ache behind it.]

I believe I have taken enough of your time, but... thank you for your kindness, and your advice.

It'll help you get your thoughts in order, at least, even if you don't actually use it.

[So yeah, go with the script thing. Lance sets his own cup down when Carlisle does, standing up first so that Carlisle might feel less awkward, and gives a small nod at his words.]

You're welcome. I really hope everything works out for the best for you, and if you ever need to talk about this or any other issue, don't hesitate to contact me; I'll help however I can.

[Carlisle rises as well.]

I do not deserve such generosity, but I will keep it in mind.

[And therein is definitely a part of Carlisle's problem. Perhaps he'll be back one day, and maybe by then, he'll understand that he cannot underestimate his own worth; until then, he gives a polite bow as he heads for the door.]

Be safe in this city, and should you need healing again, you know where I am.

Yes you do.

[It's automatic, but genuine; this is one of those things that's important to correct. He walks with Carlisle to the door, partially because it's polite to see him out and partially so he can lock the door again after he's gone, and gives a small smile at the offer.]

Thank you.

Of course.

[Whether he believes Lance or not has yet to be seen, but for now, he returns to his apartment to get to work on a script... or three. He has a lot he needs to say.]

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